Having trouble forgiving family for stage 3 diagnosis

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melissa233
melissa233 Member Posts: 10
edited June 2017 in Just Diagnosed

I was diagnosed with stage 3 IDC last year. the tumor was 13.5 cm, and ulcerated through my skin. I first found the lump over a year prior to being diagnosed. I have worked in my families company since i was young and never had insurance so i couldn't afford to see a Dr. Fast forward the lump ulcerated through my skin, i had a baseball sized open wound on my breast, and i had to use the huge surgical guaze to try to wrap it, and the wound leaked so much i would go through a box of 50 a day! i would have to use 4-5 at a time, and within an hour my whole bra would be soaked. the smell was also horrific. i (being 30 at the time) would plead with my dad. i told him I HAVE BREAST CANCER! even lifted my shirt and showed his wife and him. he would go out and buy my the pads but would never help me see a DR!. he would claim "lack of money". by the time i could see a Dr. he said i would of died of septis (sp?) within a month. he said i probably found the lump at a stage 1-1c describing it was only bean sized and it was left to go so far i was a stage 4 at diagnosis but oncologist said stage 3. a few months after this all happened my sister got in trouble with some stuff and it cost about 15,000 and my dad paid it no problem to keep her from going to jail. i am having a hard time forgiving this. is this wrong of me?

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  • Emily2008
    Emily2008 Member Posts: 605
    edited June 2017

    Melissa, I am so, so sorry for what you've experienced. I have no idea what your Dad was thinking or what the family dynamics are, but at the very least it sounds like he didn't have the knowledge or emotional ability to help you.

    At this point, you have to really keep your focus on your health, and I think even though it's normal to feel angry at him, you need to find a way to let some of that go so you can conserve your energy. Being angry with people always takes a lot of energy, and I think you want to keep that energy for your own battle.

    Perhaps talking this through with a therapist would help you. Many women go into counseling or start anti-anxiety meds to help them cope with their diagnosis. Perhaps this would be helpful for you too.

    I think it's normal to be angry at this diagnosis and even to look somewhere to put the blame. When I first had my recurrence I wondered if the surgeon was to be blamed for not doing a better job of removing more breast tissue. In the end, I decided that thinking that way won't help me. She did the best she could, and sometimes crappy things just happen. I can't say if it's entirely fair for you to blame your dad, because as adults we're all responsible for taking care of our own lives. But it does sound like there are some unhealthy emotional things going on with your family. Are you able to emotionally separate from them for awhile as you work on your health?

    Big hugs to you.

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  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited June 2017

    If you read back in Melissa's posts you will see she has posted that she was diagnosed a year ago at age 35 and then another thread that she was diagnosed at age 36. In one thread she doesn't regret not having chemo and another thread she does so she is either punking us or mixed up.

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  • MinusTwo
    MinusTwo Member Posts: 16,634
    edited June 2017

    Thanks Wrenn. I totally agree. It's really hard for all of us to put our time & effort & concern towards posts that are contradictory & don't make sense.

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