Unsupportive husband

Hi Issa,

I hope that things are going better for you and I appreciate your support.

I just returned from a trip to the beach with my daughters. Got my chemo on Monday morning and hit the road that afternoon. We had a great time! My daughters had to do most of the packing and unpacking because I am not able and all without a complaint.

Even in the bad times, wonderful things happen.

I hope that you are getting your share of the wonderful times too!

I did develop a new pain near the bottom of the titanium rod in my leg, but will get it checked after chemo this Monday. Hopefully, nothing too serious because I don't want to stop my chemo.

I think that you have received some good advice. It is probably not wise to make such major decisions in such a stressful situation. You don't want to make your life any more difficult than it is now. In my case, the stress from separation was far worse than any of the stress that came from my cancer.

Good luck over the next couple of months!

Best wishes,
Mike

Mike,
Im sorry things have been so tough for you ....Im glad to see you post here....like sarah said, we dont often hear the male side of things and I think it helps us keep things in perspective to have both sides....

Im one of those females that grew up in a mans family (4 brothers) so can associate with the male thoughts a little more I think....

Im happy to hear you had such a great time with your girls at the beach ....

Keep us posted about the leg issue although Im sure its nothing to worry about...

Hugs
Jule

Mike,
Your daughters sound lovely....I had one of each and Im not sure which was the easier to raise on my own...but they are both wonderful kids....They both live in the area so see them alot so having yours closer to home while in college will help that empty nest syndrome they say parents all go through when their kids leave to begin their new lives as adults ....
I sure hope your troubles are muscular as I think that would be easier to treat....good luck with it and please keep us posted on how it goes....

Hugs
Jule

Mike,
Yes, both my kids have exceded my expectations for them...they both have given me wonderful grandchildren that I love dearly and they have both done well with their choices in life....

I started my BC journey back in November o6....found a lump, had it biopsied, came back IDC...had a lumpectomy Nov. 15th w/snb, nodes clear....had the oncotype test, scored 12 so choose no chemo....went on to rads (36 treatments) finished in mid-March...the tumor was highly hormone positive so took tamoxifen for a bit, then in April had a hystorectomy and changed to Arimidex ...not a good thing...at first I thought I might be lucky with side effects but nope, they started so have stopped taking the med and will talk to my oncologist in Sept to see about going back on tamoxifen since I had no se's to that....
When I had my 3 months check up in May they said Im NED (no evidence of disease) so when I have my 6 months in Sept they will do a bilateral mammo since Ive not had one since originally being dx'd.

Im happy to see that you are generally positive about things in your life...thats helps so very much....Im a member of a thread here called the PGC (positive girls club), we all meet up there on Friday or Saturday and post at least one positive thing that has happened during our week...it has been a great thread....we would love to see you there if you'd like to visit on that thread...I will even change the name to PG&BC for you if you'd like ....

Well, Im at work this morning so should think about really doing something to earn my pay so will check back on you a little later...
Hugs
Jule

PS...I will bump up the PGC thread so you can see it, but since its Friday Im sure it will be up the list for most of the weekend.....

I am 47 & my huby is 54, however we have only been married a year in May, his first marriage, we met after I finally left a 20year violent marriage. Yes I am going to say that he is the most wonderful man ever, he is!!! But I have put him through #$@#4 this past yr, I was diagnosed w/ILC a month after we were married, there is nothing he hasn't or wouldn't do for me through all this I know that and most of the time I am good, but on those real bad days, days of anger, fear and total sadness I know I have been nothing more than rude & obnoxious, I have told him he should leave & find someone healthy, I have cried, screamed . yelled he does not understand, he is my strength, courage & support when I have none & I have gotten mad sometimes because he was all that, I yelled @ him oneday when he said everything would be alright "OF COARSE YOU ARE GONNA SAY THAT -WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA SAY -SORRY HONEY I THINK YOUR GONNA DIE!" Most of the time though I just cheerish the fact that he is here, I could not do this with out him. Through some of our talks, he has told me how it kills him, that he can't fix it, make it right. That what the man is supposed to do.

I guess what I am trying to convey is that I know from 20yrs experience there are some not so good husbands out there, I know if I hadn't woke up years ago, I would be one of those woman now w/out support.
But I also know that even when you have been given an angel I think our emotions and fears take over sometimes, and nothing our husbands can say or do sometime will ever be right, and I know that they also live in fear of this terrible thing to.

Hi Issa,
This thread has brought a tear to my eye because it really strikes a chord with me. I try to be the tough chick and undertstand my dh ... thinking being empathetic or showing love in my language just is not part of his schema. But I DO WANT it and need it from him too, and I too do not receive it from him.

Men are sometimes clueless and we do need to ask. So we ask. I have read your posts - you ask, I ask for love & support. A hug. Kind words. Being told we are beautiful. Then I hear my dh say - "I said I loved you last week" ...or ..."i hugged you Sunday." With us women, we need the frequent expressions of love. Men express once and they think they are good for weeks.

I chose not to be angry with my dh becuase I know that will not make things better. I try so hard to give more love to him in spite of feeling unloved and unsupported (this is very hard). At least I will know that if things really disintegrate then I did my best and showed love and gave love.

Issa - I really wish you all the best for you and you dh and you struggle through this. I hear you. I feel your need.
-Anne

Hi Jule,

I'm out of work on STD, but it has been a busy week for me so far. My daughters are trying to get everything ready for the big move to college on Friday; lots of shopping and packing.

I've been a little under the weather for the last several days. I'm not sure if it is a cold or just allergies. I've been lucky this year. This is the first illness that I have had and I know that it is easy to catch something with a depressed immune system. Hopefully, I'll feel a little more energetic for Friday.

I read through a lot of the Positive Girls Club discussions. What a great idea! I haven't posted anything yet, but I will.

Thanks again for the invitation.

Hugs,
Mike

Wow! (I wasn't going to post but since Marin did and she's single like me, and older than me, I decided I would post)

Cnoel, I'm with you. I'd rather be divorced while in tx than married to some jerk who expected me to be 'me' and not someone going through a major medical crisis.

Why are women always (okay, usually) the more understanding spouse? I see a lot of very sad situations here on the boards and while I was not happy to go through dx/tx alone (actually my ex-b/f found my lump but we parted before my surgery) I am happy that I wasn't with someone who I thought would 'understand', who I thought I could count on, but wasn't there for me at all. I guess the vows "for better or for worse" just don't apply for every one. I do know that there are good men out there, I just don't see many of them spoken about here.

I wish for all of you strength and hope for a brighter future. BC sucks no matter what age or marital status.

Jaybird

I haven't read all the posts in this thread yet, but I have to comment immediately that I'm SO glad to find this conversation!  My husband has never been good at caregiving (as we found out when we had a baby) and doesn't talk about feelings well, has never asked me or other people questions about our feelings or anything, says that's "just how I am".  After a big come-to-Jesus conversation soon after my first surgery, we both realized that he might actually be depressed and probably has been for years, at least since the baby was born 2 years ago!  Now the thing is to coax him to see someone about it.  But since he will do the basics around the house -- I mean the very basics -- at least I can live with that for the near term.  I do know he loves me and that he is pretty freaked out by this.  Depression makes people extremely self-centered.  Luckily I have a strong network of more emotionally intelligent girlfriends to talk to.  I still wonder how all this will affect our marriage long term, but I try not to think about that yet as I have another surgery to go through still.

Hello everyone I am in tears as I read all of your post of unsupported husband. I'm not sure how I am feeling I was Diagnosed stage 3 breast cancer in Jan. Me and my husband planned the perfect wedding in the park...then I found out I had breast cancer. So April 6th 2017 we got married at the court house never got to wear my beautiful wedding dress. I am 48 years old 4 grandbabies n I'm scared to death...my husband has been by my side everyone thinks he is so amazing n yes I do too but emotionally I'm not allowed to be afraid...I feel like I'm not allowed to be afraid and yesterday they put my port in I'll start Chemo on the 5th of June. When I talk about how afraid I am he says things like it won't be that bad you'll be fine. I worry about everything this is so scary for me but if I bring it up he shuts me down. He does not realize how serious this is...he does not understand. We got in a big argument today we have 2 pit bull puppies who are out of control he works all day and I have to take care of them and once I start chemo it's going to be so hard. I told him today we should think about finding one of them a home. He flipped out and said he is moving out and I'm selfish. I am so afraid of what I am going to go through and his loyalties are literally to his dogs before me. I feel like he should be more concerned with my health. Yesterday after my port got out in he was at work and as bad as I felt I had to tend to the dogs and the male is so strong he almost knocked me down. What am I gonna do once I start Chemo? I have to deal with caring for the dogs or lose my husband. I don't think he realizes what I am emotionally going through. He famous words are.... you can't do anything about it so don't let it consume you, It breaks my heart. I feel like he should be putting my health first. He acts as if cancer is not that serious. I'm sorry I been holding all this in and have no one to talk to because I don't want to involve my family because everyone thinks he is so amazing since all this cancer stuff. I just want to be stress free and I want him to see how all this is effecting me. When I am scared of the unknown he says I have nothing to worry about. Do I have the right to be afraid? Or should I hold in my feelings? I'm am so afraid! So many things crossing my mind like after all the chemo will it come back? Is this cancer gonna be the cause of my death. I don't know I'm just so sad. I feel so alone right now. I just needed to vent since I can't do it anywhere else. Thank you and God bless all of you!

Just the fact you wrote me back made me happy thank you so much! I'm new to all this and I am not sure how to start a new thread. Can you help me? I would be so grateful if I can feel like someone is listening?