Cancer as the catapult.

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You would think that a diagnosis of cancer would sharpen, condense and focus a person and create the push required to make change.

I have read about people who, after cancer, went on to live these true-to-themselves lives, trekking to Nepal and digging wells in Somalia. Or divorcing okay husband and marrying their true love, their high school sweetheart. Or people who quit high paying jobs as lawyers to become organic dog food producers.

Before this diagnosis I was just rolling along in life. My only child had grown and left the nest and that was a horrible time of pain and inner turmoil. Then after almost two years she moved back home - more pain and inner turmoil! (cause I was just getting used to and liking my space). My marriage was .... meh. A lovely man and for the record I love him to bits and am not ready to die yet and leave him. But still, after 30 years things lose their shine if a couple does not work hard to maintain a spark. And we didn't. There was no spark. Plus he is starting to become a grumpy old man, more and more like his father everyday and that is no. Just no. Do NOT even go there, Buddy! The house is 26 years old and is wearing out. The carpets, the cabinets, the deck, the siding. It is grubby and looking tired and despite efforts to maintain what there is, things have gone too long without being renewed or replaced and that lack of upkeep has left me despondent and feeling defeated. I like my house to look nice - not the Ritz Carlton- but like it's in good repair and the dirt track worn into the carpet, despite getting down on my hands and knees to scrub it, remains entrenched. A reminder that time is going by, things are wearing out, we are not young, we do not party hard, we often do not talk and .......... (sound of airplane falling out of the sky, zooming towards earth)

So as mortified and obliterated as I was by this cancer diagnosis I also felt it was a cosmic warning to get my shit together and for as much time as I have left LIVE THE LIFE THAT MATTERS TO ME!

(long silence. Crickets chirping. More silence)

What IS my best life? Cancer has NOT bestowed upon me any clarity, or focus, or motivation. It left me flat, paralyzed, not eating or sleeping, calling my lawyer to make sure my will was in order. It left me so sad I could not breathe. It left me aware of those around me who suffer and whom I never noticed, because I was never part of, and now I'm part of them, and I am so sorry for how massive and vast the suffering is!

So I wash dishes, I cook dinner, I wash clothes, I fold laundry, I clean the toilet and the tub. I feed the chickens, gather and wash eggs. I shovel horse manure. I groom the dog. I buy groceries and vacuum the truck and pick up the mail and attend obligatory family gatherings and .... WHERE IS MY NEW, IMPROVED LIFE THAT MATTERS?

Then I wonder ... if I knew that my life ended tomorrow, how would I want to spend today? I think the answer is right here, in this fading house, with these familiar people who are not superstars, but regular folks, doing what I have done for the past 35 years.

I think there is a huge industry that profits off of telling us that what we're doing now, who we are right this second is not good enough. That we ought to have more, should have more, deserve to have more. And I think buying into this causes a great deal of pointless angst for many of us. It robs us of the delightful satisfaction we can get out of the most simple things : a good cup of coffee, a clean kitchen, the smell of clothes dried in the sun, a comfy bed, people we are comfortable with even when we're having a bad hair day.

For some I think cancer can catapult them into large life changes. But I waited for my needed big changes to manifest themselves and ...nothing. The worn carpet and the grumpy husband yeah, they still bug me, cancer has not turned me into a saint who finds bullshit tolerable. Bullshit is still bullshit. But it's MY bullshit, this is MY rodeo and I am beginning to think that maybe everything I really want or need, I already have.

Did cancer help you move forward and do something you needed to do? Did it show you that you were doing fine just as you were? Share your story - because it is different for all of us!

Comments

  • ShetlandPony
    ShetlandPony Member Posts: 4,924
    edited May 2017

    Excellent post, runor. Nice writing.

    Much of what you say resonates with me. Positive changes are not always obvious, outer ones like career, spouse, or house. They can be inner changes that change how we experience the same situations, people, and places. It's the difference between "I have to drive my kid somewhere and help solve a problem" and "I get to drive my kid somewhere and help solve a problem." I stopped being a complainer and became more grateful for even "little" things. It's becoming more aware of those around us who suffer, and the compassion that follows and makes us and the world better. I got brave enough to go hold the hand of a stranger in the ER, to offer comfort and distraction as he waited for pain meds. It's the true joy we did not notice before in stepping outside to muck out the stall and feeling the sunshine, hearing the birds, and smelling the horses. Yes, I work on things like home improvement, but I don't let it make me put off living today and finding the good in this day or moment. Your post reminds me of Emily's monologue from the play Our Town:

    http://stageagent.com/monologues/579/our-town/emil...



  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2017

    Beautifully written, runor! Thank you for sharing. You make an excellent point and we're sure there are many out here that completely agree with you!

    Thank you being so candid.

    --The Mods

  • Tappermom383
    Tappermom383 Member Posts: 643
    edited May 2017

    I think perhaps what you have discovered is the most important big, amazing change: Appreciating what you already have. You're right - after so many years, we take things for granted: our husbands, running water, electricity, the nature around us, our dear friends.

    I hope this renewed sense of the important things in my life will stick with me. And, as devastating as our diagnoses were, I'm reminded of its insignificance in the face of the tragedy in Manchester. One more reason to hang on tight to the good things in our lives.

    Thanks for your essay, runor - as I listen to my DH washing dishes downstairs in the kitchen, I'm feeling very lucky and very grateful!

    MJ


  • 7of9
    7of9 Member Posts: 833
    edited May 2017

    Great post! Pulled my odds/percentage of dying out of my retirement fund, remodeled the kitchen and bought a (used) boat. Recurrence 3.5 yrs later...ok, risk higher, spend more (as we were blessed to have good insurance and my health sufficient to keep working). Yosemite, Disney. I'm not waiting for a 3rd round...planning a trip back to Disney, then to Utah next year. My sleep, sex life and hair is shit. But I heard a group of teenage girls talking today and thought...ugh. I still wouldn't go back and do it over different. Maybe I would...I don't know. Meeting and seeing people with more, with less, who have departed too soon....we all must play the hand we are dealt. I hate Cancer and the stress it has caused not just me but my family...but it was a hell of a wake up call and makes me grateful for the time I've had and intend on still having.

  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited May 2017

    Breast cancer has slowly but surely changed the course of my life.  It certainly has reset my priorities over the last 18 months. My DH is disabled with stage 4 lung & heart disease--he has nearly died 4 times.  We always assumed that he would be the first to go, but now, who knows?  I want to spend as much time with my DH as possible. We have been talking about downsizing and moving for many months.  As my mother's health has dramatically worsened over the past 5 months, it seems to emphasize how tenuous our lives really are. As such, we have decided to fix up the house and sell it.  We have an RV up in the mountains and we will move there for the short term until we figure out our next step. Move to Florida? Stay in Georgia?  Just not sure.  But I do know that breast cancer has opened our eyes to how quickly our lives can change.

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited May 2017

    You nailed it Runor. I laughed reading all the sprucing up you need to do with your house. I can relate in part. DH and I have done quite a few things to our house lately mainly because he can do it so he is saving us a ton of money plus it's done right the first time. We put off doing the makeovers because we didn't have the money. Child support among other things kept us in a financial stranglehold despite having good jobs. His X was greedy and determined not for the children but because money was everything to her.

    I do appreciate what I have and I also have a grumpy husband sometimes but he just got DX with Parkinson's Disease so I'll endure his occasional fits of temper. He is still working and likes his job so we are blessed. So far his only symptoms are hand tremors. Annoying and embarrassing for him but there are meds he can take to manage them.

    I don't dwell on my BC much anymore or what could happen if it goes elsewhere. I don't have time because I am really busy with babysitting my 20 month old grandsons. Twins and so precious. I don't babysit them every day mostly on the weekends. Son is home but Nana is the one they want.

    Another thing I don't do anymore is waste time with people who really don't care about me. People who call you their friend and then do everything possible to test that so called friendship. Done with them.

    Our fate is in God's hands as always. My mother always said to let 10 things go in a day. Seems like a lot but it's not. I have worked hard to do that.

    Diane


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