Cancer as the catapult.

You would think that a diagnosis of cancer would sharpen, condense and focus a person and create the push required to make change.

I have read about people who, after cancer, went on to live these true-to-themselves lives, trekking to Nepal and digging wells in Somalia. Or divorcing okay husband and marrying their true love, their high school sweetheart. Or people who quit high paying jobs as lawyers to become organic dog food producers.

Before this diagnosis I was just rolling along in life. My only child had grown and left the nest and that was a horrible time of pain and inner turmoil. Then after almost two years she moved back home - more pain and inner turmoil! (cause I was just getting used to and liking my space). My marriage was .... meh. A lovely man and for the record I love him to bits and am not ready to die yet and leave him. But still, after 30 years things lose their shine if a couple does not work hard to maintain a spark. And we didn't. There was no spark. Plus he is starting to become a grumpy old man, more and more like his father everyday and that is no. Just no. Do NOT even go there, Buddy! The house is 26 years old and is wearing out. The carpets, the cabinets, the deck, the siding. It is grubby and looking tired and despite efforts to maintain what there is, things have gone too long without being renewed or replaced and that lack of upkeep has left me despondent and feeling defeated. I like my house to look nice - not the Ritz Carlton- but like it's in good repair and the dirt track worn into the carpet, despite getting down on my hands and knees to scrub it, remains entrenched. A reminder that time is going by, things are wearing out, we are not young, we do not party hard, we often do not talk and .......... (sound of airplane falling out of the sky, zooming towards earth)

So as mortified and obliterated as I was by this cancer diagnosis I also felt it was a cosmic warning to get my shit together and for as much time as I have left LIVE THE LIFE THAT MATTERS TO ME!

(long silence. Crickets chirping. More silence)

What IS my best life? Cancer has NOT bestowed upon me any clarity, or focus, or motivation. It left me flat, paralyzed, not eating or sleeping, calling my lawyer to make sure my will was in order. It left me so sad I could not breathe. It left me aware of those around me who suffer and whom I never noticed, because I was never part of, and now I'm part of them, and I am so sorry for how massive and vast the suffering is!

So I wash dishes, I cook dinner, I wash clothes, I fold laundry, I clean the toilet and the tub. I feed the chickens, gather and wash eggs. I shovel horse manure. I groom the dog. I buy groceries and vacuum the truck and pick up the mail and attend obligatory family gatherings and .... WHERE IS MY NEW, IMPROVED LIFE THAT MATTERS?

Then I wonder ... if I knew that my life ended tomorrow, how would I want to spend today? I think the answer is right here, in this fading house, with these familiar people who are not superstars, but regular folks, doing what I have done for the past 35 years.

I think there is a huge industry that profits off of telling us that what we're doing now, who we are right this second is not good enough. That we ought to have more, should have more, deserve to have more. And I think buying into this causes a great deal of pointless angst for many of us. It robs us of the delightful satisfaction we can get out of the most simple things : a good cup of coffee, a clean kitchen, the smell of clothes dried in the sun, a comfy bed, people we are comfortable with even when we're having a bad hair day.

For some I think cancer can catapult them into large life changes. But I waited for my needed big changes to manifest themselves and ...nothing. The worn carpet and the grumpy husband yeah, they still bug me, cancer has not turned me into a saint who finds bullshit tolerable. Bullshit is still bullshit. But it's MY bullshit, this is MY rodeo and I am beginning to think that maybe everything I really want or need, I already have.

Did cancer help you move forward and do something you needed to do? Did it show you that you were doing fine just as you were? Share your story - because it is different for all of us!