How to deal with my tweens while scared to death?

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SolarSister
SolarSister Member Posts: 67
edited May 2017 in Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned

I'm literally all over this place/forum right now as I've got suspected bone mets and are waiting to get some clarity from my oncologist. Sorry can't help it, my level of anxiety is unbearable. I'll at least have to wait till Monday. I'm on my way to see a friend so I'm not suspiciously at home when my boys are back from school. I can barely breathe.

How have you dealt with your kids during this horrible time? My beautiful sensitive boys, Noa 9 and Elliot 12. They don't know anything yet. All I can think of is I'm going to be terribly sick and then die, and I feel so sorry for them getting that life. The true nightmare of every child. I don't know if this is our story yet. But I fear it and I believe it. Can't help that

How did you cope during the waiting? Have you said anything to your kids, if not - do you have any strategies to be able to act normal?


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  • Lauriesh
    Lauriesh Member Posts: 692
    edited May 2017

    I definitely would not say anything to your kids until you know for sure.

    My kids were 8,11 and 12 when I was diagnosed with liver mets. I told myself that I was going to stay strong so that in case I wasn't here someday for them, the last lesson I would teach them is how to handle adversity.

    My grandma used to always say " don't go borrowing trouble" . Stay present in today and deal with the problems as they arise. I have been living with mets for almost 7 years and my kids are now 15, 17 and 19. Even if they are bone mets, you could have 10 years or more to raise your children

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  • cive
    cive Member Posts: 709
    edited May 2017

    Solar, as lauriesh says there are a lot of people who have been around for quite some time with bone mets.  I know it's a kick in the ribs to hear that ole metastatic word, but it really ends up being something like a chronic illness like diabetes.  I wouldn't say anything to your kids until you have a full picture of what is going on so you can answer their questions.  There is a very active bone mets thread and you are welcome to read some of that while you wait for a definitive answer.  You never know, maybe that isn't what it is.

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  • SolarSister
    SolarSister Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2017

    Thank you so much! We're doing our very best to stay as normal as possible. This morning I pretended to hurry off to work but took a walk in the woods instead. Then went back home when they'd gone to school. I'm in no shape for working. I'll do the same tomorrow.

    And tomorrow is the day I'll talk to my oncologist and find out. I tried to talk to my husband about how to handle bad news, if that's what it is. He doesn't want to plan anything like that, let's not go there until we know. I guess he has a point. Hugs and love to you all

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  • Emily2008
    Emily2008 Member Posts: 605
    edited May 2017

    When I was dx the first time, my boys were 6, 8, and 11. My husband and I spoke with my surgeon about how to handle telling the kids. The surgeon is also a mom, and her advice was, "Don't give too much information and don't give too little information." It made perfect sense to us. So, we told the boys that mommy had cancer, but that there are many, many types of cancer, so it didn't mean that mommy was going to die. I told them I would have surgery, take medicine that would make my hair fall out and make me feel sick for a while, but that I'd recover and would be okay. They were mostly satisfied with this. My older son had more questions, but he really took his cues from us. Since we weren't panicking in front of them (I never let them see me cry), they figured that the adults had things under control, so they could go on with their lives.

    I was diagnosed with a recurrence last fall, and my boys were 14, 16, and 20. It was hardest on the 20 year old because he was away at college and kept imagining the worst. I just made sure to be cheerful and calm about everything related to my treatment. Your boys don't need to know every detail. You can share a little at a time and keep letting them know that there are all sorts of cancers, and you're going to be well taken care of.

    And you know what? You WILL be well taken care of. As you spend time on these boards you will read many, many stories of women living for YEARS with mets. There's no reason to believe that you won't be around to raise your boys. So stay in the moment, and wait until you have more information. Then tell your kids very little...the bare minimum that they need to know.

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  • SolarSister
    SolarSister Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2017

    It's not metastasis! I can't believe it! Was so sure. Omg almost can't take it in. Hugs to you al

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  • Emily2008
    Emily2008 Member Posts: 605
    edited May 2017

    Oh, SOOOO happy for your wonderful news! Thank God!!!

    :):):):)

    May you live a LONG and HAPPY life!!!


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  • SolarSister
    SolarSister Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2017

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  • trinigirl50
    trinigirl50 Member Posts: 343
    edited May 2017

    Fantastic!!!!!


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