My Aunt Told Me She Cannot Be A Support For Me

yhendrix- That is a great attitude you have there. You learned something about yourself from this experience. Focus on the positives gained not just in this situation but any others you come up against. If we can take something a way from something that we don't understand, that's a good thing, because there will be instances in life where we just don't get something.

You are a good person. Helping others when you can helps not only them but does wonders for you too. Too bad she's missing out on that but we can't fault her for needing to step away in this instance for her own sake. Best wishes. xxx

I wonder if your aunt’s pastor has gotten to her (this “Satan” business, especially). More than that I will not say lest I incur the wrath of the moderators.

I'm so sorry for this painful time you're experiencing. Your aunt is handling things poorly, in my opinion. Regardless of how hard it may be for her, the right, kind, compassionate, loving thing to do is for her to be there for you. Maybe she can't be "all in" because it triggers her own anxiety, but it's cruel to cut you off. I'm a Christian, and the Scripture teaches that believers are to draw near to the broken-hearted and help bear their burdens. Your aunt can't or won't do this for you, despite you doing it for her, and I think it's terribly sad. Unfortunately, I have experienced something very similar from a sibling who apparently doesn't care about my diagnosis and treatment. I've given so much to him and his family in terms of relationship and support, and when I could have used his support (and expertise...he's a physician!), he went radio silent.

So you have my sympathy and I believe you're justified in feeling hurt.

Now you need to close that door and seek people who are strong and loving enough to walk you through this time. You will be amazed at the people who do step up to meet your needs when you share your dx with them. It won't help you to dwell on the pain your aunt has caused you; instead, draw your strength from your faith, from this community, from real life friends, and your medical team. While it will always hurt when you think of your aunt's behavior, it won't hurt as badly as time goes on.

One thing I have learned over the past almost 6 years and talking with literally thousands of cancer patients, there always seems to be one person who shocks you that runs away from you and cannot be there for you.  Unfortunately, your aunt is the person for you.  I am so very sorry.  The hurt and betrayal are beyond belief.  For me, the people who ran from me were worse than going through cancer. 

But there will be other people who will come forth and support you that will also shock you!!  Often, they are not even close friends. But by the time things are done, they will be!

This is one of the hardest and toughest lessons of cancer. Sending all my best to you!

Yhendrix, I feel very much for you. And yes you are right to acknowledge your pain and your hurts. Unfortunately it is true that some people who have been through the diagnosis themselves, find it unable to cope with a relative getting the same diagnosis. And there is really little that you can do to change that. I'm sire that it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore. Far from it. But it does leaving feeling raw that they are not willing to help and empathise as you have done. 

I felt a bit raw myself when I had told my sister my diagnosis shortly before going into surgery and I could feel her just go all cold on me. My BF pointed out to me that my sister was just 17 when she lost our mother to bc, then our aunt was diagnosed 10 years later, 6 months ago my dad's friend died of bc, and my sister was likely seeing all crash around her. It was only last week that she realised that I had not had a lumpectomy but a bilateral mastectomy. She was in fact shocked and told me I had said it was a small operation, and I cooly answered that no I mentioned surgery but you never asked what surgery I was having! And by the way my sister lives 10 minutes away. And I  know she will be devastated if anything happens to me. But I also accept that at present she cannot cope too well. I have also raised fears for her own health especially as her kids are aged 1 and 3.

But now back to you. I think it's important to acknowledge your pain without letting it take over. You're going to need your energy to take care of your own health. You don't mention other relatives or friends. Do you have other friends you are close to? Are you part of a church yourself? And are there people who will support you? You will be surprised how many people may be ready to help you even if they just offer an ear. I was surprised by the number of people offering to help, coming to see me in hospital, messaging, sending flowers etc. Also these boards are great. So many times I come hear for a rant and know that I am not alone!

My heart goes out to you that you have to deal with this rejection as well as BC. This is a time when you need all the support you can get. I could almost give your aunt a pass if your BC was more than she could handle, but when I read that she would react totally differently if it were to happen to someone in her prayer circle I get a little pissed. I know those "types" of people. How dare she say that Satan was coming through you to get to her (that's essentially what she is saying here). As if you didn't have enough on your plate to deal with. SMH. And the fact that she brings all of her diabetes issues to you WHILE you are going through BC is wrong too. I just can't deal with these types of people Just pure selfishness on your aunts part. If it were me, I'd have to cut my aunt off...at least until I finished with my treatments. I just couldnt' deal with the nonsense.

~Dee

Hello fellow Bay Area-er. This is a fun area as the festivals are upon us. Glad you have great support.

In my experience christians are the WORST at empathy and make religious meanings where none exists.  if I am being kind it sounds to me that your Aunt has some residual PTSD and your experience is triggering painful memories and re stimulating things she may not have processed fully...

My only child, who I raised alone, abandoned me 4 months in to diagnosis and 5 years on I now know we are estranged forever........he knew I was having tests for mets and never once called or anything.......I hope he really regrets it one day but for now I am just getting on with living, its fresh at the moment as its 5 years since my surgery......and I still hate how I am.....

If its any consolation you have a lot more support than I had and I am still around......take good care of you and leave your aunt to her chosen strategy of keeping herself emotionally safe instead of taking the genuinely Christian option and walking in your shoes.......its her loss

I have a friend that has done the same thing , while she is supportive she had definitely distanced herself from me . This friend just went through this whole BC mess less then 2 yrs ago so Im thinking its bring up lots of bad memories and causing her anxiety. While it has hurt my feeling, I do understand the fear it can bring up in someone that is just starting to get it together . Hopefully your aunt will get past this and realize what she is doing to you . I pray that if the day ever comes where someone close gets BC I can be stronger then that and help them as much as possible from my own experience.

Huggs

"Even though I have resentment about this, I have learned that people who are the closest to you sometimes cannot handle watching you suffer or are afraid of losing you and will back away and it is their issue and has nothing to do with rejecting you. Its all about their issues. This comforts me. But it does not remove the hurt and disappointment."

Wow Wallan, feel for you. Glad you have been able to create a thinking that helps you cope. That's the key imo. Unless someone comes out and says I don't care, we don't know really if they do or not based on their (in)actions. That could be there coping mechanism for them to keep their head above the water. Going through this since Tues with my bro. He's the only fam member that knows about my bc stuff. When it's good news, he'll respond with glad to hear, peace and love to you sis. Right now I'm facing losing my left perm implant today due to infection. I am absolutely crushed. I group text my friend Anna who is a help to me here and him from Tues when we found the tiny leak keeping them both updated. I've had meltdown texts. I didn't address him at all, just the group. I knew from 2011 when I was put in a psych ward and he disappeared from calling that it would have thrown him over the edge. He told me this when I was released. I was hurt for 10 days. He battles depression himself though he doesn't need meds, he just needs to be writing and in his own world where he can to cope.

Knowing this, I had a choice. Either still think that's no excuse, you should have called me at least once to see how I'm doing or to understand that it would have pushed him over the edge. What good would that have done? I sure don't want to see him struggle like I did. It was a horrible experience. So I choose to understand that that's the way he is, nothing wrong with that, we aren't all the same and that doesn't make him a bad or uncaring brother. I'm sure today if I text I'm off to sx he'll text back t's & p's. But if not, I know why because he told me. Even if he hadn't, it's not an uncommon thing for many people to cope with bad news of a loved one. Bottom line is it's your choice in how you interpret it. If it upsets you, just cut them out. This is no time with such a dx to have to deal with people who are negative or aren't a help. My fam doesn't know about my bc because after the psych ward experience, they all became Dr Phil's and I'm better now. Learned it that way. But I still love them and keep in touch. Some answer me some don't. They think my severe anxiety is back and so that's why I pushed away. Whatever. I can't fix them and I'm not expecting them to change. So I am where I am basically doing this all alone, living alone with my guinea pig, with 1 friend who will help me right after sx for a couple of days and a bro who periodically texts me well wishes.

I'm saying this because part of what led to my major meltdown was I was trying to figure out what's wrong with them and trying to get them to see the error in their views and to change them. Worked for a minute but then it's back to their thoughts again. It's important that we keep healthy thoughts no matter how mad/bad someone is to you. Cancer loves stress. Cut out the negative people and surround yourself with people who know and care. This board has been a Godsend to me as well. Here is the only place where I can expect people to get it because we are all in the same boat.

The only reason I told my bro (who lives 400 miles away) is just in case of emergency, he knows where my advanced directive and such matters are----and he's not one to dispense advice like change your diet or you're obese, that's why you got it words. Stupid shit like that. Thankfully if he can't handle it he goes mia and when he does send me messages, it's of support and love and well wishes.

My mom is coming from Seattle to visit fam 30 min away on Sat. Haven't seen or spoken words with her since Dec 2014, my doing not hers. Anxiety issues. She's been here a couple times since, always saying I hope to see you. I respond with need to be left alone. She's a big know it all and would send me back to the psych ward with all her talk, and she talks a lot. Love her, but no. So sometimes it's better not to associate with those who do care like I know my mom cares and loves me, but for my sanity's sake, she and the rest of the fam and dad are out of the cancer loop.

Hi yhendrix;

So sorry to hear of your grief and pain. Just know it is normal and expected. Of course you feel angry and hurt. Of course you do. It will pass though and you will come to accept this.

In my life, I have learned that we can give and give and give and support and that we expect those same people to be there for us when we need it. This is natural and good. But unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that as you are experiencing. I feel so much for you. I know what its like.

Hugs to you. When I was going thru that, I was extra loving to myself. Pampered myself with what I wanted to do only. And of course, I vented at these boards. And journalled alot. And went for long energetic walks. And listened to angry music and sad music and cried lots. I got through it. We all do. We all adapt and learn because that is what we are made to naturally do.

It just sucks as we grieve at the beginning. Hugs again to you.

What day is your surgery?

wallan