Help for my beautiful wife regain her Feelings (all of the)

Dear Darling!!

First off, congratulations for over 11 years!

God bless you for sticking it out and being so dedicated and in love with your wife. Not all ladies are that lucky.

I fortunately am that lucky also and have a wonderful husband. While we have not reached the point you are at, I am just 4 years out. I do worry that the side effects will build and my interest will continue to diminish. I did not have this problem on tamoxifen, but the AI's are another story. I am not self conscious about the way I look, so I am not trying to hide or avoid in that respect. Hell, I will flash anyone that wants a look! It is even a new "normal" for the kids when they walk in while I shower or I am getting dressed. It is purely a hormone thing for me.

As for the lack of emotion, for me, I don't dwell on the RB (rat bastard!) thing, but it is always in the back of my mind. Some days you just can't help thinking about your mortality. Maybe for your wife it has become a coping mechanism? To keep from dwelling on the bad, she is not letting in the good either. My guess is she has also distracted herself in other ways? Maybe exercise or a hobby she throws herself in to? Maybe it is even these threads? I personally know you can get absorbed in them and lose a lot of time. I actually hardly ever post anymore because I start and then next thing I know I have lost 4-5 hours!

Will she go along with something as simple as rubbing her feet knowing up front that there are no expectations? I know for my husband he takes pleasure in doing the simplest of things. Getting a bath ready for me for example. I had 32 lymph nodes removed so he also came to see my LE therapist and she showed him how to do a lymphatic type massage. So for me it's therapeutic and intimate and for him it can be intimate.

I suspect your wife is also dealing with feelings of guilt. I know I have. Some nights I will lay there and read a book and am relieved when I hear snoring. I know how awful that sounds. I can also say that is not only a result of the RB. There have been other times in our 25 year marriage it was like that. Sometimes it is just shear exhaustion, both mental and physical. After being picked at all day you just want to decompress.

Ironically the summer before they finally diagnosed me was the most intimate and sexual we had ever been. We had found some mojo and a rhythm. That and kids (4) would actually leave us alone on occasion!! When I got diagnosed one of his biggest fears was that I was going to be a different person. He watched his mom struggle for years before she died and saw the treatments take a toll on her, watched her become someone different. While I am different in some ways, most I actually feel are for the better! But I vowed at that time that I would fight and do all I could to remain the same at my core. To still be me and kick the RB to the curb.

I am very sorry for your situation, but I can say I know where you are at. It is a struggle sometimes. The meds and the emotions really take their toll on our bodies and our loved ones. Patience IS a virtue, but everything has its limits. I'm sure your wife struggles with this too and it is not an easy thing to talk out sometimes.

I am sure my husband can weigh in. I will PM you his email. I have some other thoughts, but don't know you that well yet

Darling, checked the Mojo thread. It is active, but I don't recommend you going there to post. It's women talking about very intimate things.