How common is this?

GAMomma · March 2017

I will be post op 6 weeks from a double mastectomy on Tuesday. I said sentinel lobe(3) on my right. I have had my fair share if difficulties,from fluid building up to continued bleeding on my right side. I'm back to normal routine,as much as possible. However after using my right arm it aches like crazy. Today.. we celebrated my son's bday. A small bowling party. We are a family of 7,so we always have a big crowd. I didn't bowl,just helped the littlest and passed out food. No heavy lifting or even excessive movement. I came home gathered laundry then cooked supper. My shoulder is killing me. Typing now even hurts. Is this just lack of movement for the last 6 weeks. I do my exercises and still do not have full range on motion. It still hurts to extend my arm,but I just had fluid drained again on Wednesday. I know that hinders things also. I'm going to work Monday,now I feel paranoid that I'm really going to be in pain Monday night.

Lafish · March 2017

Hey there GAMomma, just my experience but I didn't realize how bad my shoulder had frozen until I had an appointment with my RO, she sent me to a PT cancer rehab clinic that helped so much, I couldn't even cut my own meat at dinner when I first went and within about two weeks of doing the excercises and going to physio I was so much better. It took time but eventually my mobility improved. It was about the 6 week mark that I went to physio and my mobility improved from that time on.

LAF

MinusTwo · March 2017

GAMomma - you're not quite two months out from surgery. Sounds like you got a little too ambitious with the movement & lifting. Dial back girl. Sit on the sidelines and let all of those older kids AND YOUR DH help the little ones bowl, pass out the food, gather the laundry, cook the supper. I know I've mentioned this on one of your previous threads - but if YOU don't put yourself first, no one else will. This is the time for YOU to be treated like a queen.

GAMomma · March 2017

thanks Ladies.. this is the full truth,prior to BC my husband struggle with a gaming addiction. Not gambling,Xbox,phone. I know it seems so silly and impossible,but so real. My DH went back to work after week 2. Then for 2 weeks he was home by 3:45 to get the kids off the school bus. It was supposed to be to continue to help with chores,dinner,homework,but this has not been the case. He now is home by 4:45 and sits and plays video games for 5 hours. It's heartbreaking when you need care and you are ignored or let down. My kids do help. Today was rough. They helped the little ones with bowling . I think they see my husband not doing anything and they feel like they should not pick up his slack,he should step up. Yes he should but right now he is on a feeding frenzy of his addiction. The only time he actually does anything is when I'm telling or the kids go to him because I have locked myself in my room. I know I did too much,and still have been. This is the first time my arm really hurt. I just took Tylenol and I'm headed to bed. May e an early sleep will help. If you made it this far,thanks for listening 💞

LAstar · March 2017

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. He really needs to step up right now. Can anyone help you with him, like a family member or counselor?

You pain is probably related to your recent surgery, but consider lymphedema (LE) too since you had sentinel biopsy. I had 3 total nodes taken and I manage mild LE. I was fitted for a compression sleeve by an OT who has been trained in dealing with LE, and I wear my sleeve any time I do any lifting, fly in airplanes, do yard work, etc. I have to protect my arm or it gets very sore. It's best not to let it get bad. I can sometimes tell it's LE by comparing my knuckles when I make a fist. If the knuckles are less noticeable on the right side, you may have LE swelling.

Best wishes.

GAMomma · March 2017

I wish I did have someone to get thru to him. I think there are situations in life that make you make certain decisions,even if they are hard.

I called my BS today because so went back to work part time today. Within an hour of just answering phones my arm hurt. I knew that is not ok. Thankfully I work for the hospital and there are connections everywhere. First I get a little headset tomorrow,so avoid too much stretching. Next one of my DME dealers is coming to fit me for a sleeve. I have mild swelling of my arm,but "significant"swelling under my arm and side...still.. it's hard to describe. Ok the area where your bra is under your arm. Not your arm pit,more side. This is where my fluid keep building. So air stopped by the BS after work so he could see since its been sore for a bit. We'd I am getting a drain put in. He had to order a specific one. It will be put in at the office. They have a small surgery center. I was not told not to eat,so aim going to assume I will just get a local? I am not looking forward to this at all. He didn't say I can't work either. I think I blocked everything out after the word drain... I'm super discouraged all over. I thought I would be "normal" feeling by now. Maybe I always over exerted myself and just didn't realize? I don't know. I feel like I'm running out of pity..lol

GAMomma · March 2017

Minus Two,I appreciate your words. I guess I have had mom guilt. You would think a man would take over a situation that needs assistance. Very often he does not. My older kids do step up and in,very often. They all go to school and work also. So.Times they have homework and are in their rooms when he is being neglectful. I mean how can you force a grown man off his ass? I think a few days my.little kids didn't eat dinner until 8 at night and were beasts in the morning. I know me,I would never want to live through that again. Kids that are tired can be evil. But yet he will play video games non stop. He will even try to make sense of his playing. A while back it was farm simulator. We argued over his playing,he actually was yelling at me that he needed to tend to his crops and I don't understand the hard work he put forth. This was over 6 months ago but it doesn't really matter the game,it's the behavior,not the substance. An addict is an addict,no matter the drug. 😢

MinusTwo · March 2017

GAMomma - So sorry about the mess with your DH. Do you have a sister who could come stay for a week? Or your Mom? If not, hopefully you have some friends you can depend on to do the car pool runs. It would also be useful if you let your friends know about the swelling & the drain and see if they can put together a rotation to bring dinner for a week. I know, I know - you don't want to ask. But since you're living with a slug (excuse my french) who is not stepping up to the plate - you really do need some help. Maybe that would shame him into doing what he should. Or else you'll have to level with your older kids and just tell them you CAN'T do it all and they will have to pick up the slack. Then it's up to you to just back away and let stuff pile up if that's what happens. If the little ones eat late or miss a bath, the world will not come to an end. I like the idea about locking yourself in your room.

I think the drain is a good idea. They are annoying, but I was glad to have mine for a good long time so there were no seromas. Will you be able to strip it by yourself? Check in and scream anytime.

GAMomma · March 2017

yes I will able to strip it. I did all my own self care post op. Well most of it. DH did care for me for a few weeks(2),then he went backfield. He is a fire inspector on a federal military base. We were hit hard by a tornado Jan 22. (Not our house ,thankfully,just surrounding area)Especially the base. It has been chaos since. He works crazy hours. Overtime,then they make him take a 2 hour lunch because budgets are cut. Working for the government sucks at times. He has a job with insurance so I am grateful. His addiction,it comes in waves. I do.not mind hobbies and escapes. Not at all. In fact it's healthy. I do not have hobbies or fun time. I wish I did. I work,care for the kids,clean,go to bed,start over. I enjoy my.Kids. we play games,have cuddles and talking time. But girlfriends, going out,nope nadda. I am roughly 15yrs older then most ladies around here. I have double the amount.of kids. a lot of ladies around here drink,ride four wheelers and drink,and man hop. Not exactly the fun thing to do married and recovering from surgery. I do have some church friends,who absolutely helped the first few weeks post op. Believe it or not I had help from a lot of school teachers from my kids. I do not have family here. My sister lives in PA,my mom passed in 2013,I was her full-time caregiver anyway. I've always been the one to care,not needed care. I think that's more the struggle.

ksusan · March 2017

Please have your rotator cuff evaluated as well--I came out of BMX with a rotator cuff injury, which has been further exacerbated by radiation.

MTwoman · March 2017

GAMomma,

I am SO sorry that you are having to manage your husband as well as everything else ON TOP of your recuperation!

As for " I mean how can you force a grown man off his ass?" Let me just suggest that you set an extraordinarily clear limit. Any excuse making at all with an addict is NOT helpful. I would recommend that you let him know what your expectations are for helping in very concrete terms (i.e. each day at 5:00 I need you to do x, then at 5:30 I need you to do y, on Wednesdays you also need to do z). The 'rub' is what is the consequence if he doesn't? This is IMPORTANT! This is your HEALTH! The consequence must come from you, as this is your life and relationship, but it should reflect how important it is to you.

Please read this with all the love and support I am sending you. Dealing with anyone else's addiction can be very hard. Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is really the only way to protect yourself. He may need a support group or therapist to work with him on breaking the addiction cycle. If you are close to a city, there should be support for this. My biggest concern, however, is for you. Over-functioners (sounds like you might be one?) have a hard time asking for help, but now may be a good time to ask a friend or neighbor for help. A friend who could/would read your husband the riot act would be a bonus

Sending you white light and ((Hugs))

GAMomma · March 2017

MT woman,no offense taken at all. I am completely an enabler. Both my parents were addicts. It is a vicious cycle,I agree. I watch Intervention and I see myself completely. I never had anyone to depend on as a young kid. I was cleaning my mother off the floor in her own vomit by the age off 11. I knew how to desperate pot ants by age 8. I didn't even realize until about 11-12 that not everyone smokes pot. It was so normal in my house I didn't know any different. I have never smoked pot or tried any drugs. I was always so afraid of my kids looking at me the way I looked at my parents.

We have gone to counseling,more counseling... we have good months and bad.. we are apparently going on the bad month.

MinusTwo · March 2017

GAMomma - glad to hear you already have a counselor. I think you should call & make an appointment just for you. This person already knows your DH, but YOU need some one on one support. Can you do that?

GAMomma · March 2017

Yes I can and I will. I think I will set up some for a few weeks. I am part time at work for the whole month of March. I will use my off time wisely 😊

Thank you all for the support. It's kind of weird when people hear me say he has a gaming addiction. It seems so..adolescent? Or incomprehensible. I know for me,I just stop.. even something as little as Candy Crush. The minute I feel anxiety towards something I'm out. But I have been exposed to addictive behavior my whole life,negatively. I may be an exception to the rule.

MinusTwo · March 2017

Hang in there girl. I'd be interested if you counselor has some good suggestions to get him up out of the chair, but it will be worth it for you to get the support even if that's not possible.

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. It sounds like you have ridden this rode before and knowing this is half the battle.

I am going to sound like everyone else here though you definitely need to take care of yourself first though. You are not doing anyone any favors if you don't because they will suffer in the long run.

Good that you have us to open up to , but continue with counselor with or with out him. Also look into a breast cancer support group at your hospital. It will give you some ladies in person to make contact with and get you out and about doing something for your self with other ladies.

You mentioned a church can you also let them know you have had a setback and could use a few meals a week to help with your transition back to work? I am sure they would love to help.

Reading this I feel so bad you have no one to help. Hopefully your husband will come to realize that there is such a thing as unwinding after work, but that your health and your kid's emotional well being is important too.

Grant you Breast cancer is hard on the spouse as well and has a grieving process , but if that was his trigger this time he needs to open up to you and work through. Addictions are tough

Sending you hugs and prayers.

GAMomma · March 2017

Thank you P-girl.You are right I have rode this rodeo before.. too many times,sadly. Yesterday was actually a really good day. My DH called and asked me to have lunch with him. Not very weird,but lately it has been. So I went,before doc appt. He looked ...um..defeated? I have learned to navigate him well. So I took on light subjects just to ease into conversation. All of a sudden he was crying. It was weird. Between the 2 of us he cries way more,odd I know. But anyway apparently he silently has been trying to deal with finances,my future,his future. Maybe reality just hit him. Which is why he's been jumping into his gaming world,a world he can control,since our wide in not in our control. I'm assuming it all hit him like a ton of bricks. He went on about how stupid and selfish he's been. I told him I was going to counseling,although no spots available until April 13th. He really felt guilty.

After I let his emotions calm. I also took a short nap,going back to work is super exhausting,we talked. I let him read my posts and replies. Even though it was a invasion to my privacy,I felt it was important enough for him to see and feel my sadness,open and vulnerable. I am not that kind of person. I have walls 30ft high. If you make eye contact with me I will most likely tell you the complete opposite of the truth. I'm not a liar to be deceitful,more of a protection from a truth. My truth,my pain,my disappointment. I am totally a people pleaser.

Anyway I wrote my daily expectations down. He read through them and made adjustments here and there to be able to live up to my expectations. He also told me what to say when he is slipping. Apparently I am intimidating. I'm 4'11 110 pounds,intimidating? Really? Never thought I was,as a wife,as a Mom,think angry, rabid Chihuahua. I just never realized I was that unreachable to him. Makes me sad,maybe I provoked his behavior at times. Anyway,not going there.lol

So it was a good day. Last night he was helpful. The kids noticed too. They were not nice about. They were honest "Dad,are you dying,Is mom.leaving,did Granny yell at you". Happily he said no.. and he sheepishly said "I pulled my head out of my butt". Today is a new day. Hopefully he is sincere in his thoughts.

MTwoman · March 2017

GAMomma, I applaud your efforts and that you took the risk of making yourself emotionally vulnerable (when you must already be feeling so vulnerable already) in order to connect to your husband and reach him, when maybe being angry wouldn't. It sounds like your stature isn't what is intimidating to your husband,

Winking

it is your boundless energy, your ability to rise to the occasion, your habit of facing what needs to be faced and "gettin' 'er done". For someone who uses gaming as an escape, facing up to things and tackling them must feel almost Herculean. Very glad he woke up, opened up and showed up! If he continues on, your sense of getting through things together could absolutely improve. Hoping your house feels like a more supportive environment for your continued healing! ((hugs))

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

I have been thinking of you all day. So glad to read your post this evening. Slow baby steps and hopefully this is a turning point.

Interesting about the intimidation, guessing from my sibling who struggles with addiction and a son with anxiety issue , you sound a lot like me the fixer/ peace maker, People turn to you for answers, An overcomer ; but silently hold in your hurts. That can make people think you have it all together , nothing phases you, your like a Timex watch that takes a licken and keeps on Ticken. They usually are afraid of disappointing us and envy the perception of the perfect life with no addictions .

Prayers that you will both continue communicating and working through this.

Tonight in my bible study we talked about a Life crisis is not necessarily created by God but you can guarantee that God will use them to Form us. It is a Gideon study.

hope the new drain helps with your healing process by the way.

GAMomma · March 2017

MT and PC-girl, you have described me to a T. If you see me I am/was the roll out of bed beautiful(ha if they only knew) kids with sweet manners,good grades,a nice home with homemade chocolate chips made from all organic ingredients, working all day with employers who think I'm almost a saint.. part of that is true. I work hard at my job,my kids have good manner,some have good grades, chocolate chip cookies-only made 2 times a year because my former fat girl will eat too many,organic? Um no.. ever see the price of organic eggs,I am not Midas here people. But I am the keeper of secrets,including my own,my over acheiever for anyone I care about. I "try" to help anywhere and everywhere. It's just my "fixer" personality. So anyone believing I need help is hard to see even for me. After my mastectomy I had visitors who I never met. Neighbors who we just have not seen before. After my diagnosis I gave letter to all my neighbors. Not for pity but for info. We rent and I didn't want them.to think the increased traffic was drug dealing or anything.lol they came in my house,I was sitting in a recliner and they looked passed me to ask my hubby where I was. Since they never saw me,they had not idea who I was. They were shocked I was who I was because I didn't look like I just had such a big surgery. I wasn't made up. I was in jammie s with 3 days old hair and fuzzy socks. Beauty pageant time was not on my calender,however they saw something different. It was nice,but weird to believe. I am not a dweller. I see everything as a lesson,learn and move on. I am not a strong believer in the bible or God but have my own relationship with Christ. Which is ironic really,so grew up in an atheist household. I was married 3 times(2times to the same person,yeah I know) but I was baptized Presbyterian,married Catholic, married again non denominational, 3 kids were Lutheran,married again Baptist and had 1 kids covert to Baptist when she was 13,and was saved. I attend a Baptist Church more for support of my Baptist child. My other 2 kids are learning about the bible through Baptist,but it's a struggle. So as you can see my beliefs are all over the place,not really structured. Confusing is easier to except.lol

I really appreciate the supportive comments,even the kick in the butt comments. I am very thick skinned ( ha,like I need to explain). I welcome all opinions and advice..

My drain... I go back tomorrow for a check. Overnight it put out 20 ccs 😑 this was after they removed a ton..gggrrrr

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

I totally understand where you are coming from, and most likely you have heard this more than once in your life that you became the "Fixer" because it was a way to Cope. If you could help them and put an appearance on for others that every thing was ok your life looked to your peers growing up somewhat normal. No one knew the better. If you were able to put on this appearance you somewhat believed it yourself that everything would be ok too. If everything appeared ok then you didn't have to talk about it and show your hurt.

I am a "Fixer" and a "Stuffer" or maybe I should say I am recovering. My diagnosis has given me a lot of time to reflect and heal from a lot of deep wounds myself and take notice that it is ok to let go, not look like I have the perfect life, and everything in order. It was ok to not go out with makeup and hair in place, To ask for Help and most importantly to learn to say NO . I can't do it all , I can't be there tomorrow, and not to do something just because I feel I'll let someone Down.

It also gave me a huge sense of Strength and Peace it was time to let my guard down and completely be vulnerable and let the ones I love , love me back and open up.

You and your family are Loved I pray for peace , understanding, strength and courage as your family continues through this journey.

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

how are you doing with the drain being put back in? How are you doing?

GAMomma · March 2017

I really think my self neglect over the years is now hitting me full force. My drain has highs and lows. Over the weekend,sat,it was 24ccs for the day,Sunday it was 15ccs, yesterday it was almost 30. I'm going to assume moving,working,being a Mom increases it. Last night it wasn't quite 5ccs.

A few yrs ago I had a colonoscopy to check for a few things. With that you know if the dreaded prep. I had hemorrhoids develop after the birth of my first son,in 2000. They come and go,bleed cause pain but no big deal,until the prep. After 4 days after scope I woke up with awful pain in my rear. Think hot curling iron rammed up your butt..yes pain. It turns out I had hemorrhoid thrombost,which means clot. I went to a surgeon. In the office he fixed it,but sweet Jesus it sucked. Needles in my button,pain. I was told I had pretty angry internal hemorrhoids also,grade 3. I should prepare to fix them too. Yeah that was back in 2014. I was under the,they are not bothering me,ignore them. Now I had surgery. I take a good regimen on stool softeners and fiber to avoid any problems. About 3-4 weeks post up I began having pain. Not like thrombost pain. Different. More intense. It turns out I have myself a rectal tear. Not sure how because I did not have any constipation or hard stools. Ok,I got meds to cope and they helped some. My doc said it need to be repaired. It was not an emergency. I could continue to use the cream,sitz bath and see how it goes. I just went back to work and really did not want to be out again. I figured I could get that repaired and a hysterectomy at the same time. Last night about 3 am I woke up with that intense burning pain again. Not only can I feel one thrombost I feel 3. I seriously wanted to go to the ER this morning. It hurts. So. Much! I am anxiously awaiting my BS to open so I can get an appointment.

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

Oh No! Hopefully they can remedy this quickly for you. I know you just went back to work , but dealing with this now will probably save you a lot of pain and something more serious occurring.

You definitely are having a lot to deal with.

GAMomma · March 2017

went yesterday and the doc lanced them,4 of them.. 4..sweet heaven's. The pain after the numbing wore off was excruciating! My normal doc was not in,so I saw one of the others docs. Such a kind,sweet man. His biggest concern was pain. As I've mentioned before almost all pain meds make me throw up. Even with phenegran I still get sick. After my mastectomy they have me Diladid. This was the first time in 42years I had pain meds that worked. So the doc yesterday was happy to give me a few for the next few days. I do not remember much from yesterday.. I slept all afternoon and a good part of the evening. I ate something,then went back to bed. At 2 am I woke up to potty and,THERE IS NEW CLOT!!! WTF? Seriously this is ridiculous. I am dreading this 9 am phone call..

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

This has to be very frustrating and scary to you. My heart hurts just thinking of all the pain you are going through. Definitely one thing after the other and I am sure you are wondering when it will be over.

GAMomma · March 2017

it has been a very uncomfortable and exhausting 3 days. I went back to the doctor yesterday. I had 2 more thrombost hemorrhoids. This is what he explained. I have a spasmed sphincter. My other doc told me I need a sphincterotomy . I wanted to use the meds I have a little longer. Mainly because I take forever to heal. So Dr.Richardson,the fellow Dr,said think about things like this. My sphincter is like an hour glass. I have hemorrhoids that slip through,partially and then clot because the slipped through and my sphincter is so tight. The other day he did drain a few but 2 slipped down. Yesterday he did the same thing but added a new med to injected new meds inside for swelling. I must say pain in your butt is seriously the worst. I have has lots of surgeries,even an NG tube.. nope..butt pain is ridiculous! I asked him if he knew how and why this happened. He said stress is the leading cause of sphincter problems.. me,stressed? Who woulda thought..lol

My drain is still filling but it is less. I go back Monday to maybe get it removed.

PNWBCHgirl · March 2017

wow! Crazy how all of this was triggered for you, but the stress part makes since no matter how we try to put a good face on outwardly our body still feels it.

Prayers for you my dear. Hopefully you can get some rest this weekend and please take it easy.

PNWBCHgirl · April 2017

hi, just wanted to check and see how you are doin

GAMomma · April 2017

mentally it's better. Hubby has been putting in better effort. It's still a struggle many days. My bottom...getting fixed April 13. I had my new drain removed. Honestly I didn't feel a difference. It hurts the same as it did post op. They are sending me to pain management clinic. Which is weird to me since I have not been on pain meds since a few days after surgery. Yeah I would have liked something for pain but it all makes me sick,so I just deal.

Anyway, I go again to the surg Monday for my recheck of my bottom and surgery sites..

How are you?

GAMomma · April 2017

I appreciate you checking on me..Thank you..

I went back to work full-time and I'm still trying to find work/mom/patient balance 😁

How common is this?

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