Need to vent

Totally agree. After my diagnosis, people felt compelled to tell me every cancer story they knew. Finally I started asking why are you telling me this, what is the point? And people finally quit doing it. Stand your ground, and tell people to back off. Everyone's path is different, and what works for one doesn't work for another.

I think this happens to all of us....the fact that people tell you that this person and that person died of cancer.....I can't comprehend why anyone would think that it would be appropriate to comment in that way to someone putting up the fight....but it appears to happen to most of us.

I too don't want to be the cancer girl.... I never wore the pink ribbon pins or bracelets people gave me. If I could keep it all a secret I would.

On the other hand, I know how much speaking to several people that had a big tumor and multiple nodes "saved" my sanity in the beginning of my diagnosis.....those two women helped me more than they can ever know. They gave me the hope I needed so much the first couple of years. So in my case, I do take the calls & offer to help those that need a positive voice in the wake of cancer darkness. It's one of the many reasons I come back here 13 years later. My cancer was so bad.......honestly everyone can be hopeful:) But this is a personal decision I chose and it should be up to the individual and not be forced on.... for sure.

Jacqueline

I don't mind talking about my cancer, but I'm careful not to push this on anyone who I can sense is not interested in the topic. Like YATCOMW talking to others about my disease and treatment was a big part of my recovery. Now I feel like helping anyone who cares to ask questions or for advice. And I'm on threads where people are doing it tough, so help is much appreciated. Plus, I'm trying to educate men who have no clue they can get this disease because pink charities are failing to raise awareness of male breast cancer.

Great rant! Blow off some steam by chucking (as hard as you can) those pink bracelets, other random pink shit right in the trash ( I did donate some blanket someone made me). Having cancer....makes you NOT want to have cancer. Good Lord. I almost slapped my best friend just last summer (4 years after original diagnosis) when she made some comment about vitamins.... like, you know,....people like you with cancer. People like me? You mean people like us!?! GRRRRRR

I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this kind of thing. Comments from strangers, discussions of BC when you'd rather talk about anything else, family members who are actually adding to your emotional burden! Ugh.

Coming here to tell us about it is a great strategy. But I have a few other thoughts, depending on what you want to do. And you might have different things you want to do with various people.

So here are a few suggestions for some of the scenarios you mentioned. My suggestion is that you think through what sorts of responses you want to give so that you're not thinking "darn, I should have said______," when it happens again:

1. Family members who want you (or your wife) to support others. Certainly do if you like, but that should be your call. And it sounds as if it's not something that you want to do!

So what could you say to your parents? How about: you're not feeling up to supporting others just yet. So please don't pass along our contact information (or details about our treatment/progress) without talking with us first. There are, however, a few sources of support you can suggest, for example, "Reach to Recovery" (an American Cancer Society program) has volunteers who have been trained to talk with BC patients. (They would be better at this than we would be, since we haven't been trained, and the BC we're dealing with is only one of many different kinds of BC.) Or suggest they refer their friends to BC.org, if they're computer users. If they find someone who needs support your parents should call you to see if you have support suggestions that your parents can pass along.

Ask your parents not to share details about your healthcare with others. It's not that you're ashamed (why would you be?) but some things are private--you want to be able to share with your family without thinking that you've published information in your local newspaper!

2. People who have been referred to you for support (without your prior consent). I'm so sorry, but I/we haven't been trained to supply support to (other) BC patients, and we aren't comfortable in that role. Your BC may be very different than anything we're familiar with, so we aren't even comfortable discussing our experiences with you. May we suggest ____________________ (fill in the blank with a Reach to Recovery volunteer line, or a local Gilda's Club, or this on-line community, or whatever local resources seem best to you, for example a social worker at their cancer treatment center!).

3. People who want to talk about cancer. You don't have to engage in discussions about cancer. When asked how you are, give them the standard social response, "fine, and you?" (maybe they don't know about your cancer?) and then ask them about something else. For adults & social acquaintences, if they persist and try to initiate a discussion of your cancer, may I suggest a long stare, and then a question to them about something else--current movie, book, recent event in the news, whatever. If they keep pushing the cancer discussion, you have to up your response, perhaps something like: "Why would you think I'd want to discuss that?", together with another firm gaze. If an immediate change in topic or an apology is not forthcoming, then I'd turn and walk away. If you encounter that person again, just pretend that the entire episode never happened!

You might want to vary your responses, depending on who is asking. I managed to keep the details of my treatment very private (my family was several states away when I was in active treatment), but my sister and I did deal with a four-year period when we wore very visible back braces and received no end of questions. Often from total strangers. And children (of various ages). And friends/relatives. And social acquaintances. We varied our responses depending on who was asking.

For strangers on the street (they really did walk up to us and ask!!!!), if we were together, we'd say things like "we were born joined at the spine and had to be separated." Alone, it might be "I was born without a spine and had to have one installed!"--then keep walking! (Strangers who ask rude questions deserve whatever they get!)

For small children 3-6 or so, something kind, innocuous and age appropriate.

You'll need to establish your own categories and plan your responses...that way you won't be caught off-guard, and can simply move on.

Or come here and vent...you'll find a number of threads which are basically for venting. For example, the thread "The dumbest things people have said to you/about you" is a longstanding thread (begun in 2009!) and still usually on the active threads page--after 305 pages! Even though the original poster has deleted her posts it's still a great place to go to share the absurdity of the comments we all get!

HTH,

LisaAlissa

P.S.: When you've had it with people staying stupid stuff...there is the other side: "The most encouraging things said to you during your journey."

Denise, you said it so much better than I did.

Thank you,

LisaAlissa

Whew, you hit a sore point with me. I went through a phase where I would talk about my cancer to anyone who faced a similar diagnosis. Mind you it had to be another woman who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and wanted some information. A female friend took this to mean I would talk to ANYONE who had cancer. At a high school reunion she came over with a strange man (we had a large class and this was the 40th year reunion) and introduced me as, "This is Nancy. She just had mastectomies for breast cancer. Nancy this is [name]. He just finished treatment for [some other cancer]" and then she walked away.

I was dumb founded. All I could manage to say was, "I'm sorry." I left shortly afterwards, too embarrassed to stay. Needless to say, that woman is no longer a friend, mainly because she just couldn't see that she had done anything wrong.

I think it's fine if your wife doesn't want to talk about it. I do think your mother was wrong to give your wife's number to a stranger. That's not her place to make your wife into someone's source of info and comfort. If you haven't already done so, I would TELL her that she shouldn't have done that without first consulting your wife.

And just to be kind, I would have contact info of a cancer support group available to gently pass along to anyone else, if she doesn't get the message.