please, please help save my marriage

Rossihockey, I am sorry to hear your ordeal. I am a cancer patient too and I do think that your wife is still depressed. There are several ways in which depression can manifest itself and one of them is despondency. Contrary to popular opinion, depression is not a feeling of deep sadness; it is the absence of feeling that can develop from different reasons. Maybe she feels ugly now that she doesn't have her breasts (those are the symbols of femininity); I still struggle with the lack of one and don't like to be seen even by my BS. It is a constant reminder of what was lost. Yes, the breasts hurt but you can hug her tenderly, softly, carefully. Since you said that you had a very good marriage, I don't think she doesn't love you. Maybe she thinks she is going to die and she doesn't want you to be around during her worst hours or days. She may not want you to suffer seeing her very sick. You talked about mastectomy and bacterial infection but you don't say anything about chemo or RT; these latter have the potential of making us uglier, more insecure, more fragile. Maybe she thinks that when she gets less desirable, you may leave her for another woman because she cannot longer satisfy you or look as in the past.

With the help of psychotherapy, help her through this valley of shadow and death. Like your wife, I didn't cry; I just isolated myself for a very short time. Her long isolation is both psychological and physical. I had to deal with the separation feeling of three friends who left when they knew I had cancer. Maybe she is preparing mentally for that and before anyone she loves leaves her, she takes the initiative.

I cannot tell you what to do but I can strongly recommend you to be patient, to be by her side. If she doesn't want you in the same bedroom just move to another bedroom (even when you are hurting) but stay in the house with her. Show her you are loyal, trustworthy, and patient. Give her time. Has she cried lately? I don't think so but help her cry. She needs to; so do I. And even if you are not a religious person, pray, pray with all your heart. It will comfort you in the darkest hours.

Do you have little children? Those are areas of concern. And remember her that you said your wedding vows seriously:... in sickness and in health, in richness or poverty,... I will pray for you and I hope everything solves the best way.

Maria

She may need space and time to heal, both physically and mentally. That process is something that you cannot help with, it is instinctual and internal. Since you have been so caring, maybe she feels smothered by the attention. Try to find peace with your friends and develop a hobby. She may not want to focus on the breast cancer 24/7 and get on with living. You need to get on with living too. By demonstrating that you are ready to move passed this part of your life, she may soon follow. When a person comes face to face with their own mortality, they are changed forever. She may have a bucket list that she wants to see through until the end. You did not mention your ages and whether this is a first, second or third marriage for the both of you. Give her time, space and do things for yourself socially. If you feel that there is co-dependence in the relationship, find a counselor.

She’s likely afraid of what you may have to go through as her caregiver and (hope not) eventually widower. She may be accelerating the end of your marriage now rather than have metastatic cancer do it down the line—she mistakenly thinks she’s hurting you less this way. She may also fear that you will leave her for someone healthier and physically “intact” so in her own way she may want to be proactive in order to spare herself the agony of possibly being rejected, on top of what she’s already suffering and fears she may suffer further. She is terrified and also probably unable to view her life—including her relationships—as normal (even though there are no indications her cancer may spread). Even those of us with the mildest forms of breast cancer and least onerous treatments tend to view our pre-cancer lives as having been on the other side of a break in time, and the concept of a “new normal” for which we didn’t ask is unnerving. Please seek counseling, for both of you. And as someone who has been on an SDRI antidepressant (Wellbutrin) for 18 years, I can tell you that not all psychiatric meds are created equal—not even all SSRIs, SNRIs or SDRIs and certainly not all anti-anxiety meds. My experience with Wellbutrin has been that it’s totally transparent—no side effects.

Please don't give up. When I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer stage 3. I was terrified but kept my everything is fine face on. I wanted/needed to be strong for my husband and children. My husband and I were so close and he was extremely supportive. Fast forward through 7 surgeries, 6+ months of chemo and 36 rounds of daily radiation. I lost so much of myself. I was scared, angry, hurting in every way. In retrospect I can see how my attempts to "stay strong", keep some kind of independence and personal identity as well as protect my family I became completely isolated and pushed him and everyone else away. I had lost my job, most of my friends, our financial situation became a nightmare.... I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror! Although he assured me I was still attractive to him I couldn't believe it because I was so disgusted with myself. I would go out for a walk or drive aimlessly for hours several nights a week or just sit at the beach and sob. After 6 months he became so angry with me. Started fights over everything big and small. Even accusing me of cheating/affairs. That couldn't have been further from the truth!!! But he couldn't or wouldn't believe me. I don't know why I isolated that way but I loved him so much. I tried to communicate better and even brought him along on drives and beach nights to show him my what where and why's and we couldn't afford counseling. I wish so much I had pushed harder for therapy sooner but after 20 years of marriage I thought we had time. The day before my PET scan confirmed my cancer wasn't gone but had spread to multiple bones he served me with divorce papers telling me he had met someone new who could meet his needs and take care of him finally. It's almost a year now and I'm still shattered. Completely lost. Please seek a dr or counselor for both of you! You won't regret it. God Bless

rossihockey, I would definitely question the medication. I was on paxil and felt like nothing bothered me and a sense of not caring. I would get counselling and talk about medication.