Waiting for what?

Me? I was okay after getting that first report the day after my umpteenth annual routine screening mammo, saying I had a “focal asymmetry” in the right breast and recommending a spot-compression diagnostic mammo (basically, an extreme close-up) and possible ultrasound. After all, callbacks happen about 10-25% of the time, and they usually don’t go any further. I was able to get an appt. for that diagnostic imaging within a week (I had to be in New Orleans for a two-week business trip on the day they originally said was the first available, so I basically made a pest of myself till they caved).

It was only when the radiologist who did the ultrasound said I needed a biopsy—which I couldn’t schedule for any sooner than the day after my return—that I became a nervous wreck. It was like a rabbit running around in my head, an endless tape loop: “I might have cancer…nah, 80% of biopsies are benign…but what if it’s not…what if I have cancer…OMG I probably have cancer…(lather, rinse, repeat).” It didn’t help when I got the message in my patient portal saying “BIRADS 4B.” Only when I was performing during those two weeks could I get my mind on something else. When I finally got my diagnosis the day after my biopsy, I knew what I was dealing with and that I would have a plan of action. I was actually calmer and more focused.

So if you are scared and nervous…you are quite normal.

I think I knew what was coming. After the biopsy when the radiologist who did the procedure told me she was actually worried about it, that was huge and almost a relief because I had a good idea what was coming. And then when I got the call from her less than 24 hours later. I knew as I saw the caller ID that it wasn't good, hence the urgency. I will never forget I was at work, and was supposed to be in a meeting but was instead in my office with the door shut, trying to cope. I was numb.

But the week between the initial imaging and the biopsy was really hard. I was kind of wrapped up in wondering whether or not my insurance would cover the mammogram and biopsy so there was some distraction there. That seemed so important at the time, but it wasn't in hindsight. Waiting for the mammogram after the doctor finding lump wasn't a piece of cake either. It's a lot of waiting. And they warned me about that. You wait for the biopsy, then the for the results, then if it's cancer you wait for the detailed pathology, you wait for additional imaging, you wait to hear from the doctor, you wait for surgery, etc...it's a lot of hurry up and wait.

You are not alone. But you get through it. I didn't think I would, but I did. Changes your outlook on a lot of things in life, that's for sure.

They kept telling me it was unlikely to be cancer, so I was pensive but not too worried. After the biopsy, I was surprised to get a call that it was cancer.