husband acting weird this time around

Hey ladies:

I wanted to run this by you guys. My hubby is not coping well after this second diagnosis of BC. At least, he doesn't seem to be.

I was Dx Jan 25 with second breast cancer left side. Last breast cancer on right side was 2004. I had mastectomy, chemo, rads, hormone therapy, hysterectomy and ovaries out back then. All barrels thrown at me. Last time, my son was 7 years old. My hubby was not the most supportive then. He went out every night to listen to live blues music at the local pub while I recovering from my mastectomy and alot of nights in the worst of the chemo. He would not drive me to chemo or doctor appointments. We have one car so I asked the local cancer society to pick me up and drive me places. He would not visit me in the hospital either. He would argue with me regularly and tell me what a drag it was for him. Anyways, we got past all this over time and were able to finally pay the accumulated debt from it all too.

Here we are now.

At first, he was wonderful when I was diagnosed the second time around in the first few days. I am still early days from hearing the cancer is back and I am utterly devastated by this. My husband was trying to be sensitive and understanding. We even agreed to got through this together this time.

But his attitude started to change at the time of my SNB surgery and has been dwindling ever since. It started with a bad cold he said he had on the day of my SNB surgery. He felt sick and wanted me to look after him when I got home from day surgery. I figured "a man cold". But as the days have gone by since then he doesn't have much symptoms of a cold. He still complains he is sick though and just lays around. Usually he loves to cook and this has gone out the window too. I told him he should go to the doctor if his "cold" bothers him so he did. We both have the same GP. When he got home from the doctor today, he was slamming kitchen doors and snapping at me and seemed angry. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him what the doctor said and he said the doctor said he was fine and that he just had a virus. He said never send me to the doctor again like he was mad at me for suggesting it. He said he asked the doctor why I need chemo if I am node negative and the doctor said he didnt have my chart. My hubby would not tell me anymore of what was said. In fact, he has been distant and uncommunicative ever since. Prior to this doctor visit too, he has been provoking me with childish things to get me mad or frustrate me such as bringing out chocolates and refusing to share in a mean way or acting mad if I won't change the tv channel if I am watching something and he would rather watch sports or news instead. Stupid petty things like that.

To be honest, I am worried about him. I don't think he is coping well. Reality has hit him now that I actually had a procedure I think. I am afraid of a repeat of the crappy way he was last time. If I try to gently talk with him about it, he insists nothing is wrong. Yet, my mastectomy is scheduled for March 8 (wednesday) and I am in overnight. He says he can't take time off work, who will drive me to the hospital and how will I get home, I better arrange something.

Any advice and have any of you had bad reactions from your hubby who can't cope?

wallan

Some people can’t handle not being the center of attention, especially when the seriousness or urgency of a family member’s health problems outranks theirs. He sounds terribly immature—perhaps growing up, he never learned how to cope with adversity by any means other than escape, distraction, or fishing for attention. Or the opposite—he had or saw his elders have traumatic experiences dealing with adversity, and does not want to relive that.

If he's no help this time around, I'd tell him to shape up or you're shipping out. What's there to lose?

Wallan, I agree with Freya. As much as I'd like to speculate or blame someone who isn't stepping up for you right now, I am much more concerned about how YOU are getting what you need. If there is one car, and the driver cannot be bothered to take you to your appointments, then there may need to be some alternating who is using it that day, i.e. some days, when you have appointments where you can drive yourself there and back, YOU take the car and HE can figure out how to get himself to work; other days, when you need someone to be there with you, support you and bring you home, you look for someone who is warm, caring and supportive (clearly not him) to take you. I am SO SORRY you are having to deal with an emotionally absent and passive-aggressive partner at a time like this. I had some serious relationship problems that overlapped with my bc, but my (ex) partner did step up when I needed him.

I encourage you to find someone (a social worker or therapist?) to process this with, the emotional toll this is taking on you will not help you in your recovery. What I would do (I can't presume to give you relationship advice when I don't know you or your history together) is decide what behavior is or is not acceptable to me at this time and as calmly as possible, provide those details to my partner. (i.e. this is what I need right now, if you cannot provide that, then here is what I'll accept). Being alone through treatment is not what I'd want for you, but honestly it would be easier than trying to walk on eggshells and dealing with outright meanness (bringing out chocolates and refusing to share them? what is he, 4?) Sending you light and ((hugs)) and know that we're all in your pocket whenever you need us!!

maybe you should call the doctor he went to, maybe he got some bad news about the "nothing" thats wrong with him.

Wow. Thanks ladies. I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting something along the lines of how men react and its normal or he will snap out of it or something like that. I knew last time he was an ass and we had many a discussion about it over the years after the fact and like I said, I thought we had worked through it. For the most part, we have a good marriage I think.

But when something like this happens, and he does regress, it triggers what an ass he was last time and of course I don't trust he will be there for me. Like after surgery. Or during chemo. And I do wish he would take an interest in my diagnosis and look it up or suggest ways to cope or something. But I thought maybe this is how men are or he just can't cope with it. If I request a hug he gives it. But that is about the only support. Well, not true. He says he does not care about how I look with my mastectomy - he loves me anyways. That makes me feel good.

I went for coffee with an old friend last night. She was there for me last time. And then, life happened and we drifted apart. I have not seen her in years. Out of the blue, two weeks ago she looked me up on Facebook. She said she thought of me and wanted to know if everything was alright. She was shocked when I told her my cancer was back. Isn't it weird how she knew to contact me again now after all these years? Anyways, I went for coffee with her and we had a wonderful time. I told her about my husband's attitude (she remembered from last time) and she said to me "you mean he won't take a few days off work to help you after surgery?" And I thought to myself, well, no. He has not suggested it or even considered it. My friend said, "your health is way more important than a few days lost pay". So.. she saw it too. I guess I am wishing for support from him and its not likely to be a reality. It saddens me.

I don't have family members actually to help out. They live across the country. I do have a few good friends though.

I have requested to speak with an oncologist social worker actually because I am so freaked out by this new diagnosis. I will mention my husbands behavior to her too. I know I need to focus on myself now and not worry about him, but I do care for him. Your insight ladies has been invaluable. I have things to think about here.

wallan

Hi cliff:

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this too. And how wonderful you have a wife who is so supportive and proactive

I guess I am just used to my husband... for the most part, he is good. Its times like these where he disappears and acts like an ass. I was thinking it was a range of normal...

maybe not.... hmmmm....

wallan

Wallan ..So sorry you are dealing with this , on top of everything else ..(hugs )..I like Travelext and Cliff's comments ...And that's coming from two guys ...

MinusTwo- I was in the same boat. Did everything on my own except when my bro came up for a few days when I had my bmx and then the exchange. I thought no way I'll be able to do whether physically or mentally but I did. I do have a great bff that lives 5 miles from me but she was in no shape to help unless I really needed it since her own sister was battling (and then died) of pancreatic cancer.

Wallan: You can do this! Use your friends. I've had neighbours I barely no practically beg me to tell them what they can do. It makes others feel good to help. This from people I have small chit chat with, not friendships. You can do it!

Wallan, I am so sorry that you're dealing with this recurrance, and a selfish husband as well. I agree with the other ladies here that your husband is not in the range of normal behavior. My husband isn't stellar at emotional support. His MO is to stay away until the worst of the tears are over, then come home to deal with it. But when he did come home from work after my biopsy, he was by my side all the way. He came to all appointments with oncologists and surgeon. He stayed at the hosp during my lumpectomy, staying with me the whole time until the OR. He came to every chemo treatment and sat with me. Twice he drove me to a rads appointment because it was snowing. That is more normal. Perhaps you and your husband would benefit from some counseling, or perhaps if you belong to a church, you minister or pastor can talk to you both. Marriage is in sickness and In health, your husband should be treating you the same way that he would want to be treated in the same situation. Good luck to you