Anniversaries

This month marks eight years since I first felt the lump.

Lately I've felt quite anxious about, oh, lotsa things. Mostly: that through some holiday overindulgence and weight gain I had given myself a new tumor. Then this week, I started a new job. The same day, my fiance was told his office would be closing its office in our city, leaving him unemployed at the end of January. The wedding is set for late May.

Needless to say, when I went in for an (earlier than planned at my request) mammogram and ultrasound, I was a bundle of nerves. The radiologist was performing a biopsy on another person, so I waited alone (my friend was in the waiting room) in the darkened room, ultrasound goo all over my chest, myriad terrified thoughts roaming about in my head.

When she came in and looked, and went over the images with me, she said 'I don't see anything. Everything's clear. No masses, no lumps.' -- I literally sat up and burst into ugly tears. Blubbering, I asked, you mean, there's no big lump right here?' 'No'. More crying. I didn't realize just how nervous and afraid I was.

Now, a few days later, there is still lots of stress, but I'm trying to remain positive, about somehow paying for the wedding, and children in the near future, and trying not to shamescare myself about having eaten a couple of my mom's shortbread cookies at Christmas.

One day at a time!