A Cure for Cancer... LAUGHTER (Videos & Jokes)

Got the beat?

Dear Cancer,

Where the hell is your Christmas Spirit?

Eff off please!!!

Loads of Christmas Jokes

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!

Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!

Who is the king of Santa's rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

Who is the Music Elf's favorite reindeer?
Dancer!

Which of Santa's reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!

What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!

What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!

When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?
A Mistle-toad!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!

How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!

What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!

Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."