INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours
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DS did not want to be in the Christmas program this year. DD was an Angel.
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I see 2 Angels 😇
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I also see two very happy and prescious Angels.
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This has been a POWERFUL, healing thread for me and for many others who've read it.
Nobody comes from a "perfect" family, and some are way more dysfunctional than others. I was fortunate that I had many "surrogate" mothers in my neighborhood. Neither of my parents were that affectionate with us. My dad (who drank most of the time) was actually more affectionate than my mom, but he was very abusive.
I remember when my neighborhood friends would go on vacation in the summer, I would just go visit some of the older women on my street, or the adjacent street. I'd bring them flowers from our yard, and we'd sit there and chat. One lady, Gladys, would always make us tea. Another lady, Alice, taught me how to knit, and another, Bertha, how to garden. One of my most HURTFUL memories was when my brand new 10-speed Schwinn bike was stolen from the high school bike cage. The thieves stole a whole bunch of bikes that Friday afternoon, the police said. All that was left, was a link from the chain I used to lock it up with. I had to take the bus home, crying the whole way. I don't even want to tell you how MEAN my mom was about it - absolutely no comfort or sympathy at all. I literally had to leave and go next door to my best friend's house where her mom, Madeline, took me into her bedroom, sat me down on her bed, held me in her arms, and just let me cry for a whole hour. Then she prayed with me. (Gees, tears are rolling down my cheeks now just remembering all that.) It took a LONG time for me to forgive my mom. When her soft tissue sarcoma came back, I thought, "God is punishing you for being such a bitch, Mom. You're going to die a miserable death for the way you treated us." And indeed, she did. But I take no comfort or satisfaction from that, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, even if she wasn't all that demonstrative or loving at times. She had five kids...by the time I came along I guess she was just too exhausted and ready to give the whole "motherhood" thing up.
We all have our stories, but eventually we have to let it go and "try" to forgive them.
Chevy and Lover have such wonderful words of wisdom here. We can all take comfort in that.
Off to make cookies and decent memories with my daughter.
Blessings to you all,
Lita
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Lita.... I know........... I have tears in my eyes for you.......... I think I was lucky, because somehow, or for some reason I have very few memories of growing up... The few things I remember, were short and sweet.
I remember one time, me and my little brother mowed and raked a neighbor's lawn... He gave Kenny a dime, but since I was a girl, I only got a nickel. I cried, and no-one cared. Then I remember running across the street to a neighbor's house, because Mom & Dad were beating each other up.... Now I can't remember what happened... but I was terrified at the time.
So lost memories are what protects us..... I WANTED to be close to my Mom.... but she just seemed so distant! I was just close to my Brother, and to this day, we still are.... and we think alike. He was my rock, after Mom passed away, and then Dad.... We had to clean out their house.... all their memories, clothes....and I took home all that I could. I remember leaving SF.... The baggage counter was going through one of my heavy suit-cases.... I just started crying, because Dad's pillow was stuffed in there, and fell out with some of his "stuff".... I told him that was my Dad's things, I had just lost him...... The clerk just said never mind, and put it all back in...
So hard leaving their "home".... everything was gone...... But you just go on...... back to living your own life.
I miss them too Lita.... Because we are a part of them.... whether it is good or bad memories....they are ours. Yes! Go make some memories! xoxo.
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And thus, I declare an end to Somber Sunday............
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HI ladies.
Shep love your post, I copied it and I am going to send it to my daughter.
My daughter asked me a couple of weeks ago why I am not upset like some of my sisters about my childhood. I told her it was in the past and I am moving forward. I also realize my parents where very unhappy, I would love to go back in time with some happy dust
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Thanks, Chevy, Shep and Lookforward for your kind thoughts.
I'll never know why my mom was so mean to me about losing my bike...I spent that entire summer cleaning people's houses and doing neighbors' yard work to buy that new bike with my very own money. My dad was so CHEAP...whenever any of us outgrew a smaller bike and needed a new one, he'd go to the city DUMP and find one there, then give it to us after he changed the bike seat and handle bar grips....GEEEEZZ! Huffy's and Stingray's weren't that expensive back in those days, for criminy sakes. It's not like we asked for Gitanes, Shimanos, or other high-end bikes.
But in his defense, at least my dad was more sympathetic about my stolen bike then my mom was because he UNDERSTOOD how hard I worked for it that year. HE was the one who helped me fill out the police report, and HE was the one who went down to the police dept. for several weeks in a row asking if the detectives had any leads on the bike thieving ring.
Don't get me wrong...I love both my parents, and a couple of my brothers and I have indeed forgiven them b/c we realize they did the best they could at the time, coming from their own dysfunctional families. Both parents grew up during the Great Depression, and got thru World War II. When he was five years old, my dad lost his father to a massive stroke. His mom had to work as a maid...not an easy thing during the Depression. But unless you try really hard to break the cycle, you will eventually raise your own kids the way you were raised.
I'm sure my own DD has memories of me that make her wince. None of us is perfect, no matter how hard we try. We can never totally meet another's expectations. It's that way in marriage, too. I try to treat my husband w/dignity and respect...but every once in a while, my mom's harsh words and criticisms come out. I always try to cut them off as soon as they burst out of my mouth, but you can never "un-say" something hurtful, no matter how many times you apologize. We've been together for almost 28 years, so I must be doing something right....
Time to sprinkle happy dust and clean up my kitchen.
Lita
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Just poking my head in to say hello ladies. Been tired and busy with work, Christmas shopping. Check in and lurk daily, but my brain has been too tired to post. Sending good thoughts to you all.
Brandi
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me too sensi, sorry I haven't posted much. Pooped from a great vacation, working hard and chemo. Nausea and fatigue and the holiday is just beginning. Praying fior strength. Feel yucky and gots lots to do.
Sorry I am about 10 pages behind. Can't catch up. Hope everyone is well
Night night
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Don't stay up too late and exhaust yourself, Mammaray. You need your rest. Nobody wants to get sick around Christmas cuz they did too much.
Been there and know better....
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WildT - beautiful kids. Beautiful photo.
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Sharing my difficult relationship with my Mom has helped because I thought I was the only one who was going through this.
Finishing my coffee and watching the episode of MASH where Col. Potter takes command
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I'm trying to remember, or find that picture, about 2 twin sons, growing up with an alcoholic Father...... One was asked why he got drunk and beat his wife, and he said "Because I watched my Father do it..." The other Son was asked why he DIDN'T beat his wife, or get drunk.....
HE said "BECAUSE I WATCHED MY FATHER DO IT."
So I think we DO learn sometimes to be something "better" than we were raised... To do things differently, because we went through those dark years, hating everything that was going on......... And whether on purpose, or by the grace of God, we become the person we want to be.... because we had a choice!
We went through abuse, or watched it, not even knowing it was wrong..... But you grow older, and know how it hurt everyone around... So you become that person that you never knew.... ! You become the opposite of what you saw....
When I was about 12, I asked my friend.... "Don't your folks ever fight?" Because I loved to spend time at her house.... She said she didn't think so....... So I knew that everybody didn't do it! That every Dad wasn't like mine was.... but I thought we were just normal.
So we grow up, and move on! And we make our lives what we want them to be....So in that way, we learned a LOT from our Parents....
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So true Chevy!!!!
From what I have been told, my Daddy was very different. I try to be like him so much
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happy Monday!
Lover, are you on your way to HA now, can't remember which day you said you were leaving. I'm jealous, don't like the cold makes my chest hurt more.
Speaking of which, I'm seeing my PS and talk about removing the implants in March. Can't do it sooner because of sewing retreats I've already paid for. Plus it's a good time to do nothing in April and May with nothing planned for those months. I know a few of you here went flat. Any words of wisdom?
WildT, your kids are great. Funny how much taller your son is. Has he passed you up? How's the exchange going?
Hi Sensi, sorry you're so tired. Do you get time off for Christmas? The four of us will have to get together again next year. Poppy, how's the DH doing and Gus?
Mommy, congrats on your grade. Are you doing more classes in the spring?
Mags, where are you?
Susan, take it easy kiddo, you want to be there for a lot more Christmases with Elena.
Chevy, my granddaughter and her family are living by you now in ft Collins. I miss seeing Evie. They are coming here in February so that's good.
Hi to everybody else. Got to go buy cookies to decorate with the grandkids. DD was suppose to make them but ran out of time and energy.
Bb
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Smarty, I am going to take a break for a bit from classes.
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I've been flat from the beginning. It's ok, I'm used to it now. Never had any comments maybe a few funny looks.
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Guess where I am.
Actually, still waiting to get off the plane to catch another flight to Kona. Aloha Hawaii!!!
Wish you all could be here with me. BB
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Smaarty, here I am, still flat on my back after last chemo. Sweet Beatmon brought me a blonde wig - came by in the frigid cold to deliver it, bless her heart. About going flat - several threads around. My experience, no one notices. Even though I was 44DDD. They're like, did you do something different with your hair?
Lumbar mets are acting up something fierce. I have degenerative disc disease, so I normally have pain there, this is different, intense. With the ddd, lying down eases it. I lay down with this, almost went thru the roof. Oh my.
Waves at everyone. Typing takes too much energy
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I'm so sorry Mags........... Saying a prayer for you....xoxoxo
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Oh, Mags, I hear you about the lumbar mets! Hate 'em!! I have degenerative arthritis, four bulging discs, four compression fractures AND bone mets to boot in my lumbar area. It aches all the time, but it especially hurts right when I get up from a chair. I'm humped over like the wicked witch in Hansel & Gretel for a few minutes until the pain and stiffness ease up. T3-T4 area is acting up too...last scan showed the mets as being "more prominent" according to MO. She said it was probably cuz the scanner machine was newer and it made them more easily visible. Progression wasn't anything to worry about at that point, she said....yeah, EZ for her to say! She doesn't have to live w/the pain. Another scan is scheduled for Feb, so we shall see.
Sorry you're in so much pain
(. Hope it's not pinching nerves - - I've had that b4, and it practically makes you scream.Does heat help you? I have a La-Z-Boy w/heat and massage, and that really helps me. Sometimes I sleep in the damn chair to get a little relief. What does your doc have you taking for pain? Rx iboprofen does nothing for me, and Norco just makes my liver enzymes go thru the roof, so I vape w/cannabis when I can't take it anymore.
Praying for relief for you, my dear. We're in the 30s here in Nor Cal, and the cold might be making mine worse. Ya never know...
Lita
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Interesting about the pain relief, or lack of. DH has 2 crushed vertebrae, T 3&4 most likely. Most likely bone mets from prostate ca. Is going for nuclear scan We'd. Was curious about pain relief for it. Any feedback would be appreciated.
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Hi Everyone! Sorry I've been MIA. Had a lot going on but was lurking.
Wedding ceremony was very laid back. DD's style and I must say I liked that. Wedding reception was the most fun I've ever had at one. Young crowd, good DJ, non-stop music (nothing slow other than DD and SIL's first dance and the father/daughter and mother/son dance). Hubby said he didn't recognize any of the music. I chuckled at that since he listens to talk radio and when I'm with him we play the oldie stations since as a compromise. He's not into current music. Bartender's commented it was one of the best ones they've worked. Pictures are in my iPad. Will post a couple of them later. DD decided two weeks before the reception that she wanted flowers for the tables (thank goodness she nixed the mini pumpkins idea). My job was to search for reasonably priced arrangements and send her links. Went with Telefora and their bulk order department. She can fall into a pile of manure and come up smelling like roses. Pulled that one off without a hitch.
After a busy two weeks with the wedding, went right into Christmas shopping mode. Needed to get gifts for son and family in Japan. That took me a couple of weeks shopping, wrapping and getting the boxes mailed off. They have arrived in time for Christmas! Yay I've missed a few times. Never send your husband with the packages to the post office when doing international mailing. One year, birthday gifts ended up going space available instead of first class. Ugh DS isn't happy when that happens but DDIL tells me not to worry. The children like getting the gifts regardless. Will even get DGS's and DGD's birthday gifts off in plenty of time.
Had a couple of health issues come up. Latest is I have Sjogren's syndrome. Need to make an appointment with a rheumatologist. Worst part is the dry eyes which makes it hard for me to read from the monitor.
Smaarty, I've been flat from the beginning. Caught a few stares but once people realize I'm looking back at them they look away. My mantra is, "It's all in the flatitude!" It's never bothered me and is quite liberating. Check out "I look for other flat chested women. A rant." https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/82/topics/789067?page=1
Lover, thank you for the b-day wishes. Very kind of you. You are such a sweet person. Always have the right thing to say. Have fun in Hawaii! How did DD1 do her first semester?
JunieB, can't wait for you to get Kirby! Boo on the delay but on the bright side he's getting closer to be house trained.
MammaRay, totally understood your needing to get away. I did that a couple of years ago. It was like a pilgrimage. The most refreshing thing I ever did for myself. Made up my mind and booked a flight and hotel for the next day.
Mommy, congrats on the A. Worked in an academic office at a university within walking distance from me. I so admired the older students and the younger ones with families. Not easy.
Shep, glad FoFF is doing so much better. You're a wonderful DIL.
Spookie and Chevy, so glad to see you back. I've missed you both.
Love the pictures of Evie and Elena!
WildT, the picture of you and your children with Santa and his Elf brought a smile to my face. Lovely family.
Happy Belated Birthday to those who have had them come and go.
Oh dear, I've gone on way too long and have missed so many of you in my post. Please forgive me.
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Susan, Sorry you're feeling so yucky, and with so much to do.
Hi Sensi!
Loverly, Have a great time on your trip!!
Mags, sorry you are in so much pain.
Smaarty, I had delayed reconstruction, so was flat for over a year and I didn't like it. (Some of the time I used a prosthesis, and some of the time I didn't.) I found it difficult to find clothing that I like and fit. Women's clothes are made for boobs. But, it's a very personal decision and I know some are happy with being flat. Will you share why you want to have your implants taken out? (You can say no..) My DD is about 4'7", I'm about 5'1" and my DS 5'5"-5'6", so yes, he has passed me up! DD has a short stature dx and will not grow anymore. Due to prematurity she had an abnormal puberty, so she's done growing. She didn't have genetics on her side either! I'm feeling pretty good from EX..one area is still pretty tender where the PS did the IMF. I'm a little concerned I did too much too soon that first week (hoping I didn't mess anything up inside), but there's nothing I can do to change that now.
Sleep well everyone.
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WildT, I don't mind. They are hurting more all the time and I've had enough. I have an appt to see PS on Thursday and see what she thinks. If theyre encapsulated then I'll have to seriously think if I want a redo. I like having boobs! Probably not. I was mostly flat for 5 months at the beginning. I had skin sparing bmx. The problem I'm having is whether or not she can clean me up enough to be flat. Because I had a breast lift 15 years ago there's an anchor incision that was very wrinkled and pruning looking until I got the TEs. I know I'm being vain but I don't want to have to look at my chest if she can't make it right. Dumb but don't want to hide either. I'm not worried about what anybody else sees.
I can also modify my clothes so that will make it easier too. I'm worried about that iron bra feeling that some get
Lover, have fun and don't get a sunburn.
And I think the cold weather makes all this worse.
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Popping in and feeling so behind on here! Between the holiday stuff, residual doctor appointments, prostetic appointments, needy new kitty and throw in a root canal which ended up infected. Only time to lurk and send Merry Christmas and holiday good wishes to all.
Mags - Hoping for some ease to your pain. Even flat on your back you made me laugh about people not noticing the missing triple d's, very true
Loverly - So beautiful! Happy holidays ahead for you, see you when you get back.
Hi Sensi - Are you getting some rest and not working too much? Hope Chance and the new pup are getting along well.
Smaarty - DH is about the same, thank you for asking. He is having surgery in January that should help a bit. Gus is great, keeping us laughing. Call him Gassy Gus because he had a tummy thing going on, hopefully the medicine helps. Really sorry the implants are still giving you grief. I am feeling fine with the whole no recon thing but I wear foobs when I'm out and about so I'm not a going flat girl really. My surgeon got me flat and tidy which is what I wanted but honestly I dont go around nekid often enough that the scars bother me. Something weird happened though, when I was trying on the new bra and prostetics I had the strangest little feeling of guilt that I looked so good. Very strange, I dont understand why I felt that way. Anyway, hope your PS has some good news for you. You made me laugh, scheduling surgery around sewing events, now that I understand!
Oncology appointment tomorrow to discuss my positive PALB2 genetic test result. And follow up info after the BMX. Cant find much info about the PALB2 gene so looking forward to seeing what my doc has to say.
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Thanks Kath.
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