I Don't Want a Funeral

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    We've talked about that Noni but no one is around comforting us now! We did move close to his sister but she has dropped us as well as soon as she heard stage IV. And she used to work with terminal patients and their families in a hospital setting!!!! She, of anyone, should be able to handle it. When in gone she will be not too far away at least.

    I had sent her an email in January and never heard back so sent another one in May and she finally responded that she was sorry. I don't want pity I want family.

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  • pwilmarth
    pwilmarth Member Posts: 235
    edited December 2016

    Noni, I appreciate the idea that members of our families may be hurting, but the problem is that puts the onus on the person who is dying for causing their pain. That is the wrong place to attach blame.

    In our culture, we value people who are productive and successful. In order to do that, it means working in high pressure jobs and that burden means your family doesn't have time for you. I recently conducted a patient satisfaction survey with some of the people who receive care at my job. One of the questions was How often are you visited by family or friends? Most people are visited about once a month and very few people are visited weekly.

    The problem that I have with placing the burden of blame on the person who is dying is that it prevents your family and friends from growing both spiritually and emotionally. There is much that our elders can teach us. By distancing ourselves from death, we stay stuck in a cold and lonely place.

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  • Noni
    Noni Member Posts: 327
    edited December 2016

    Pwilmarth, I'm not saying any of it is right. There is very little, if anything, that is right in this situation.

    I am living the stage 4 life and know how people treat me. Not everyone responds the same and it's really sad to see those who pull away because they can't handle it. I don't accept any of the blame and don't take those things personally. This cancer thing is a social eye opener, that's for sure.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Like has been said, we are all dying. It's just that we got our pink slips...

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  • Kattysmith
    Kattysmith Member Posts: 738
    edited December 2016

    "It's an odd feeling to mourn your life while you are living it."

    This quote hits the nail on the head re the vast difference between the clueless "Well, everybody dies" and actually "getting your pink slip" as Barbe wrote. This is from one of my favorite blogs - I follow her on Facebook now. Ann's advice, observations, and wisdom have been invaluable to me over the past year. She is a seven year Stage IV survivor who has been to hell and back many times.

    image

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  • Heidihill
    Heidihill Member Posts: 5,476
    edited December 2016

    Barbe, I'm sorry for what looks like an awful family constellation for you. I remember you from way back on these boards, (back when I got my pink slip) and appreciated you then as well as now. Just wanted to say I'm with you about not having a funeral if you don't want one. It's now about you and what you want. Even if this stage lasts for years, which I hope it does. 

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  • Lynnwood1960
    Lynnwood1960 Member Posts: 1,284
    edited December 2016

    There is a thing called artful ashes where they can take your ashes and make them into a sphere or heart shaped blown glass item. I have seen these displayed on their website on a small table with a candle and a picture of the person. It can be made in different colors. They have a video that shows how this is done. Very interesting, especially since I have always teased my husband that he spends so much time on the computer that IWant him to keep my ashes on his desk.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Sounds a bit too much like a shrine with a picture and candle but I like the idea of the ashes being mase into something!

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  • Fotheringay
    Fotheringay Member Posts: 73
    edited December 2016

    Barbe,

    I don't want a funeral, either, and at this time I'm not close to that change. It's a choice. Some of us don't want one. I've never been comfortable in the spotlight.

    I am hurt to hear how you have been abandoned/ignored by many closest to you; it's just incomprehensible to me. I lost my mother suddenly when I was 23, and I miss her every day. I am angry that your children don't cherish their time with you. They will regret their callous behavior one day.

    I'm a relative hermit, have just a few close friends, and little family left (we were non-breeders WAY back). I'm going to be cremated when my time comes, and my daughter is going to make a colored diamond out of me, so generations in the future (I hope!), someone can say, "This ring is your great-great-great grandmother. Literally." The rest I'd like planted under a cedar tree, because they are such great habitats for birds.

    Were there to be a memorial service/wake for me, I'd want them to blast AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" at some point. Make them laugh despite decorum. Play the loud rock and roll music I've always loved, because THAT is what I was about, and that's what I'd want people to remember.

    Carrie

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited December 2016

    Oh my goodness Lynnewood, since I am a glass artist this was pretty intriguing to me! I think my family might find it a bit morbid....I realize my family is probably just scared and don't know what to say. However, it is so hard for me to think that no one has even attempted to tink about how I am doing emotionally. Like Barbe says, I want family! Like it used to be. It is a strange world we live in. Sometimes I feel like I am in a glass bubble trying to communicate with people and they just keep looking away. I told my husband last night I did not want a funeral and he FREAKED OUT on me. Said it wasn't for me, I will be gone. It's for my surviving people who love me. I responded by saying, as Barbe says, why do I want them to show up to cry over me dead when they didn't show up when I am alive? I am looking forward to moving next month to a new state, town, house and getting a fresh start. I think it will help to clear my mind a lot.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Artist, we moved away when I first felt we were getting left out of gatherings and forgotten at holidays. We moved 3 hours away from the kids but now only an hour from my DH'S sister. She has dropped me but I'm sure she'll be there for him if he's not too bitter.

    The kids try to use the distance as an excuse but manage to get to their in laws who are the same distance in the other direction! But like you say, a new start. It felt good and still does.

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  • Dianarose
    Dianarose Member Posts: 2,407
    edited December 2016

    About four weeks ago the doc said to get my affairs in order. Wasn't sure I would make it through the weekend. It was horrible and terrifying. With the Grace of God my cells stopped committing suicide and improved. I am so grateful to still be here. I told my husband the hardest thing is knowing that I will again have to go through all that because I am going to die. Crazy how we think sometimes. I did tell my husband I had one request and that was to put my youngest on the deed to the house. He has had a sick mom most of his life and deserves it more then the others plus there is no love lowith me and the five step kids. I feel better about dying now.

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  • Hernie
    Hernie Member Posts: 1,016
    edited December 2016

    Dianarose, I am glad you are still here. This moment is for you...

    image

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  • Cloudygarden
    Cloudygarden Member Posts: 10
    edited December 2016

    Barb, Warm thoughts and sending a huge virtual gentle hug. The way I see it the decision is entirely up to you. No right or wrong needs or desires just individual choices. In today's modern times anything goes!Take care and know we care. BC sister, Cloudy

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Thanks cloudy....

    Dianarose I remember when you were told to put your affairs in order. I was very very upset for you and thought we were going to lose you. You rallied back like a champ and showed us all it could be done. I like the idea of putting your son on the deed. It will transfer nicely when your DH passes without tax implications.

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  • Goincrzy8
    Goincrzy8 Member Posts: 387
    edited December 2016

    Awe Barbe this makes me sad. Hugs to you. I too want to be cremated and so does the EX, I am always telling my kids, PLEASE do not mix our ashes together, it is our family laugh.

    Sorry you don't have a strong support system, but a loving husband who is there for you. Hope you hold him extra tight tonite.


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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    I love him to pieces and he knows it. I'm very blessed to have experienced unconditional love in my lifetime. It's a second marriage but we've been married 21 years. I threw up in the car yesterday as he was driving me back from my CT angiogram. He gets out of the car and takes the shopping bag of puke with him to throw out. That's pure love!

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  • Goincrzy8
    Goincrzy8 Member Posts: 387
    edited December 2016

    You are a lucky woman. So many of us wait for Mr Wonderful and he never shows.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    I know!!!! I had a pretty horrid life until him so I figured I paid my dues. So very sad that some people will never know..

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