"i don't know want to know anything until remission"

gracie22 said it very well. You could ask them other ways that you could support them, so as to be there, but respect their wishes.

Support them as a friend, but do not assume that your way of handling your own health issues is a proper blueprint for them. As you said....it took you years to evolve to a different mindset...kindly respect that for someone else. I'm not saying you are wrong, but it is truly just your opinion.

Many people with cancer are bombarded with well intended advice and information, regardless if they ask for it or not. Her response to you might be trying to deflect all the well meant "noise", so they can focus on the advice/decisions they are getting from their doctors.

Don't view them as "friends with cancer", relate to them as friends. If and when they want to involve you deeper in their cancer scenario, they will, but maybe they value someone who lets them "rest awhile in a normal space" even more.

I second the advice to respect her wishes. My sister was DX too but preferred to keep the gory details to herself. She considered any questions or advice as an invasion of her privacy well intentioned or not. She has always been close to the vest and that is her choice. On the other hand I reached out for support from the getgo. I was blessed to have a friend who was also DX and a nurse at St. Jude. She was a godsend.

We all deal with medical issues and the like our own way. You can imagine how upset and afraid she and her mother are. This despicable DX is one you have to go through to truly understand the pitfalls.

Just be there for them when they need you.

Diane

Meow, your post brought back a memory and made me laugh at myself. There is still a tote bag with all the doctor/hospital stuff in it from my initial surgery that I still cannot make myself go through, jammed in the recesses of my closet. When I need to read things for insurance or other purposes, it is for some reason easier for me to look at the digital files in my patient portal rather than all the paper records and assorted crap provided by the hospital, including the ridiculous "breast cancer resources" book awash in pink ribbons and teddy bears. I remember one of the nurses i saw during the pre-op process trying to deal with me when i told her she could keep the breast cancer-ribbon be-decked water bottle and other cancer swag on offer. It still sets my teeth on edge (though the nurse was spectacularly kind and backed off with the consolation gifts immediately.) I was not interested in going to Breastcancerland! It is a strange country and we all have our own reactions.

You can be the most informed person going and make a good or bad decision. The truth is there is no correct answers to treatment. The kitchen sink approach or the leave it alone approach or anywhere in between, who knows. If we knew we'd have a cure.

Lol Meow13, after our initial visit with the oncologist, my mom and I were SO overwhelmed, and scared. I had a SPLITTING head ache. We had been at the doc's since 8, and it was 2:30. We hadn't eaten lunch. We left the hospital finally and went to get some lunch, and when we sat down at the table, I looked down at my mom's hand, and she had her cancer swag bag! (That's what I call the bag they gave her of information books and pamphlets.) I said, "Mom! You brought in the swag bag!?? WHY!??" I didn't want to even think about that thing. I wanted to throw it as far away from me as I possibly could. But she felt more empowered by pulling out each and every single thing and reading over it all right then and there. Everyone is different. You made me laugh when you said you threw yours in the closet, because that's what I wanted to do with my mom's!

I just went through a terrible ordeal with my neighbor. She is over 20 years older than I am and we both got breast cancer. I look to her for spiritual support, she is very religious and appreciated her support. Well I hate to say anything negative but my mother was ill and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. My mother is a private person. I told my neighbor that we were going to go to a cardiologist and get an opinion on my mother's health. My neighbor drops in on me constantly but my mother really values her privacy and would never tolerate that. She has not seen or talked to my mother in quite sometime. The next evening my neighbor leaves a message on my mother's answering machine saying I heard you had a heart attack, blah blah.. My mother was horrified and had a stroke that evening. We had to have her taken to the emergency room and they were able to get her blood clot to pass getting blood to her brain. I was so upset we stayed at the hospital in intensive care. Who calls me while I am at the hospital my neighbor. My husband asked her to please stop calling we will call her when we know more. It has been a hard month but Mom is better. My neighbor had told other neighbors luckily they are not invasive people. I felt like moving to get away. It is one thing to share willing my health info but not my mothers.

Her pushiness even though not malicious is destroying our relationship. My mom said her phone message really upset her that evening. My mom said I don't want any visitors showing up at my door. I realized that I had been putting up with the intrusions for many years because I believe she means well but enough is enough. She is my neighbor not my mother.

I would hate for anyone else to lose a dear friend over being too aggressive. We are still friends but I can't trust her to respect us and our wishes.