I Don't Want a Funeral

Barbe,

Sending you a cibernetic hug, believe it or not, you got virtual friends here ;-)

You're not out of line. I have similar feelings regarding a funeral.

My poor husband cringes when I talk about cremation. What he doesn't know yet is my secret wish for him and my mom/sister/brother/nephew do sort of a bonding trip and release my ashes :-D

Barb- no funeral for me either. A celebration of life at the church we were married. Sorry your kids don't visit. My daughter is coming again from California this week. We are close. Those so called friends who wanted to come visit when they thought I was going to die a few weeks ago were turned away. Last thing I wanted was company so I could ease their guilt. I know who truly cares and who doesn't. Yup, was a rude awakening . Especially my step kids.

I do not think you are out of line at all. It is your life, and it will be your death. I actually know numerous people who chose not to have a funeral. And in the newspaper I will read here and there "at the request of the deceased, there will be no visitation or funeral services."

You have every right to have your last wishes fulfilled. I am sorry that your children do not care to keep in touch with you. Please realize it is absolutely okay not to have Sunday dinners for family or babysit grandkids. I could do stuff like that but have no desire! It is okay to live a quieter life at this point with what you're dealing with. You don't need to try to fit into some cultural blueprint society likes to map out for women which is that of being a nurturer and always tending to others. Take care of your needs! It is okay! Do not feel guilty about it!

And also, know that your contributions on this forum matter to many of us, it has value.

Dear Barbie1958 I don't want a funeral either. If someone wants to send flowers I want to see them while I'm alive. Same with any kind thoughts etc. I don't have any family left so no funeral wouldn't be an issue. I just want my ashes, my mom's & my pets' ashes mixed together & drifted somewhere natural. There lots of people that can't handle cancer, death & dying & trying to keep them away from your happy zone isn't easy. Eventually they do fall away. Maybe its scary for them or you just aren't dying fast enough. you know the ones that suddenly see you somewhere & you can tell they are thinking "God, are you still alive!" And they don't know what to say & can't get away fast enough. most of us probably have had some of these types in our lives, some more that others. They're just not worth the time. I've never been around so many of these kinds of people before I moved where I live now. Hope I'm able to rectify the location situation some day.  I am sorry to hear about your children. these are the situations that reveal what people are made of. Sometimes even our close family members are not made of "good" stuff. Maybe they'll wise up - it's for sure that some day the way they are acting now will catch up with them. And who knows the reasons for their actions, you could go crazy trying to figure it out. Rely on the friends you meet here to understand & care. they know what it's about. Your not alone. lean on you dh you need each other. this is very difficult for the two of you.  My thoughts & prayers are going out for you. April

What if they threw a party and no one came? Some are lucky to have a support system, many are not. People avoid me (or worse, fake it) and I carry on, but the thought of my death being marked by one big empty gesture to top off all the empty words I've already heard ... that hurts. Better to just sneak out of the party without being noticed.

People who have met me since my brain surgery are less uncomfortable. They see a person who happens to have cancer, not death personified. I can still make them laugh. (I can't say that I am lonely or scared, that would not go down very well.) I wish I could tell my old "friends", Hey, I am still ME. And I need you.

Barbe, know that you are make a difference to me and many many others. I don't understand your kids. I think they are withdrawing emotionally (my guy is doing that, too) but I don't understand why. I wish I did.

Such a sensitive subject isn't it? First of all, that makes me very sad to think your kids are treating you that way. I have no idea about your family or the history behind it. But for me, if this was a 180 degree turn from the way it was before you had stage 4, personally I would have to have a heart to heart talk with my kids. I've always been close to the kids and I would find that heartbreaking. But here, we are all very honest with each other, that way little things don't build up into something big. But with that said, it's typically me making the first move to find out what is going on and to smooth things over. I just feel like that's part of my job. Have you considered talking to them? I'm not trying to defend them, but maybe they are trying to breakfrom you emotionally, that way it's easier when the time comes. Although I don't agree with that, I do understand it. Maybe it's something else, anyway, whatever the reason maybe a conversation will help. Because of the way I am, I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm no longer here. I am the one that holds the family together. As far as a funeral, guess I really don't care. I've always said funerals are for the living not the dead. So my husband and kids can do whatever they want, I won't be here to organize this get together. Hmmmm. They probably won't be able to get anything together. Maybe I should see what they want and plan it all before I go, lol.

Barbe, it breaks my heart that your family is being so distant, and they will regret it, no matter why it's happening or how long it's been happening. I don't have a big social circle at all and will not have a funeral. My son (only child) is 35, too. He's always thought of me as indestructible. If he and my husband want to have an informal memorial for family and the few friends I have at some point, that's up to them. His dad, my ex, died unexpected last year, and he has put some of his ashes here and there from California to Houston. Last month, on the one year anniversary of his death, he sprinkled/buried some ashes on the graves of his dad's parents in west Texas, and the remaining relatives there went to the cemetery with him. Nobody judged him for not have a funeral.

I'm being cremated and want most of my ashes buried under a young Oak tree in my backyard, where some of our large animal family cremains are buried. They'll have to be discrete about it - no ceremony then; it just needs to look like they are gardening in case our unfriendly looky-loo neighbors behind us are peeping from their second-story windows! I have two vintage metal tea tins for the rest of my ashes; one for my hubby and one for my son, in case he wants to spread some of my ashes around, too. I think he will...it seems to comfort him.

I'm Jewish and cremation is frowned upon, but I'm doing whatever is easiest and cheapest for my family. None of us have any money.

Barbe, I've seen elsewhere that you are Catholic. Are you getting any comfort and support from your priest or church family, if you are a member somewhere?

PS I smile every single time I see your profile pic, because it looks exactly like a former co-worker of mine - she is a Catholic of Czech descent in her fifties.

Hugs from Texas

Katty

what a good laugh! Thanks Dianarose!

Barbe, I am so feeling for you right now. Something similar has happened to me, not with my kids luckily or I would be absolutely devastated. I too think they are trying to separate emotionally but that does not hurt you any less to contemplate. My siblings have been absent and silent except for one sister. One even unfriended me from Facebook after the election due to our differing views, although I stated nothing derogatory either way. Super weird. I was Dx'd 16 months ago and haven't heard a peep from the other 3. Sometimes I want to call them up and ask them if they have any remote idea what I am going through emotionally? It really blows my mind to find out how unimportant I am to them. I know what you said about thinking months ahead but I say think YEARS ahead. Keep on going just to annoy them!

Ms Latte, that is hilarious! Blowing back in their face! LOL!

You've touched on a sentiment that has sparked quite a response. Truth is, I don't want a funeral either.

But you're friends and family who have abandoned you are living in a big old place called DENIAL. Because the truth is that we are all dying. Everyday. The difference is that we've been given a name for the thing that is killing us. But our friends and relatives are also dying, some of them have been given a name for their killer -,heart failure, COPD, diabetes, stroke, Multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimers/Dementia etc. Some of them haven't been told the name of their killer because they will die a sudden unexpected death - a motor vehicle accident, the victim of a violent crime, the onset of infection and septicemia, etc.

For years, I have worked in healthcare and I spent the bulk of my career working with the beginning and the end of life. If you go back 150 years, death was considered to be part of life. Not so much today. Our culture separates us into two categories. But if you work where I have worked you realize that the person you are taking care of could be you. As I grow older, the difference between me and the people I care for is less and less.

If you look at the things in our culture that influence how we think and feel about death and dying, you need look no further than TV. Over the past 25 years, you can add the Internet and Social Media to that influence. You rarely see stories about women like us and if you do, they are highly romantic portrayals with the emphasis on acting heroic or being a role model. In that world view, there is no room for the honest feelings that we all experience when we contemplate thinking about the practicalities of dying. It also doesn't allow for us to think about things other than death and dying. But in reality, none of us are going to spend every waking minute of every day thinking about death. We're going to want to focus on the things that give us pleasure, hope, and self-esteem and we may even reject the idea of adapting the sick role in society.

Pwilmarth, you make an excellent point about TV romanticizing death. For that matter, bc is pretty much sanitized too, with most outlets throwing pink ribbons on all of it and acting like its a party. We really have gotten away from the idea that death is a part of life. Lots of societal pressure to survive! Be a warrior! Soldier on! Keep positive!

I am fine with a service being held when I am gone, but nothing extensive. Dh and I both choose to be creamated and have the cremains burried in one local cemetery plot. None of this blowing around in the wind for us! Ha ha. But it is a very personal matter in deciding our last wishes. Some are very bizarre like the guy who was burried on his motorcycle.....uh, no thanks! A simple choice to forego a service does not really even seem unusual to me. I agree that we do not need to let society instrict its rules on us if we feel otherwise comfortable with different choices.