Waiting to see if Stage IV, doubting I can handle this

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Crittcuddler
Crittcuddler Member Posts: 14
edited December 2016 in Just Diagnosed

I don't have concrete lab/scan results right now, but I have convinced myself that my Stage lll has spread. I don't think it is irrational that I feel so worried considering I have lost 30lbs in the last few months, have been having really bad neck/back pain for months, and because of how big my tumor/s is and how long I have had it and because lymph nodes are involved.

I am not the type of person people would consider an example of a strong person. When the going gets tough the tough get going... AND I? Well I, I, climb in bed, get incredibly depressed, and feel paralyzed and hopeless.

I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression my entire life and it is difficult to make the most out of everyday and be productive even when my emotional issues are under some control.

Knowing this, I don't see me thriving and surviving or having the kind of attitude that I need to maybe beat cancer (if it is Stage lll) or make the most of the life I have left if I have Stage lV.

Waiting for my mammogram and sonogram, waiting for my pathology results from my biopsy, and now still terrifed and waiting for my scans I have been spending all my free time in bed, not eating. I only get up to feed my dogs and walk them. If it is hard to do that how am I going to beat cancer?

I have insurance (Medicare, thankfully from my struggle with depression and anxiety) so that I am really thankful for, but there will still be lots to pay. I had been doing real good emotionally and thought this would be the year I was finally able to support myself (I have been slowly but surely getting loan signings and started driving for Uber and Lyft) and now I don't know what I will be able to continue doing. So that is more to be sad about. Right when I thought my life was finally getting better.

Anyway.

I'm really scared and struggling.

Michelle


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  • Melinda0628
    Melinda0628 Member Posts: 67
    edited December 2016

    Im sorry Michelle but please dont give up! My mother in law was Stage IV with 7 nodes cancerous and she survived! I am feeling those same feelings as you but really I kniw uts hard to stay positive, but its not always gonna turn out the worst. Im pretty scared myself but if I get negative its no good. When will you know?

    This past week has been really tough on me, I cried for a few days after getting home from the hospital, but I am so thankful for this website. It has really get me through this week.

    //HUGS//

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  • Crittcuddler
    Crittcuddler Member Posts: 14
    edited December 2016

    @melinda0628

    I will know at the end of next week, I get my PET on the 8th

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2016

    Michelle, I am hoping for the best outcome for you. Let us know. There are so many options now to keep later stages at bay for a long long time, and since you don't have a definitive pathology you just can't say you are stage IV yet, although I agree with you--on the surface it sounds serious. You didn't mention emotional support--friends, trusted family members, or a partner. Do you have people who you can trust who can walk this journey with you?

    Claire in AZ

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited December 2016

    Thinking of you, I hope you get some good news.

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited December 2016

    Really hoping it's not what you fear! I have been through some scares myself, and they were nothing. The further you get out from dx, the less fearful you become. Guaranteed. (((HUGS)))

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  • cive
    cive Member Posts: 709
    edited December 2016

    If you are like most people, once you find out one way or the other and start making a plan, you will feel better. It's the unknown that causes the worry. I feel far better after being diagnosed with mets a year ago because once they know what it was they were able to do something to fix the symptoms.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Many of us couldn't have survived the cancer diagnosis without chemical assistance. If you were a diabetic you would take medication. You know you are depressed so I hope you are taking medication. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and have been on meds for over 30 years. That's what has helped me get through it all.

    Please make sure you help control what you can and get the prescriptions that work for you. It takes weeks to get the effect you need so give it a chance. Hang in there sweetie you are not alone.

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  • Crittcuddler
    Crittcuddler Member Posts: 14
    edited December 2016

    barbe1958

    I take psych meds. I used to take 6, but have whittled it down to 2. Within the last week I had been trying to get off my antidepressant too, but have decided against it.

    I have taken meds since I was 18, I am 34 now. Unfortunately even tiny doses of an antidepressants give me insomnia now. I haven't slept good in over a year since I stopped drinking and got off Klonopin. That why'd I have been wanting so bad to get off of it. I have tried every sleeping pill and natural supplement and nothing works

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2016

    Psych meds, depression meds and anti-anxiety meds are all different. And needed for obviously different reasons. I pray you find he right cocktail that helps you.

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