A Cure for Cancer... LAUGHTER (Videos & Jokes)

More Thanksgiving Jokes

Farts Loudly

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours. She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

The Warm Water That Awaits

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey…. Amen"

10 Reasons

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball. 9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper. 8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello. 7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper. 6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days. 5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather. 4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here…" you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age…" and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!" 3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave 2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own. 1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

A Ragged Man in the Audience Asked

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service. A ragged man in the audience asked, "What is there to be thankful for?" Surprised, the minister replied, "What is your name,sir?" "Cause," was the reply. "Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…" "I'm blind and I have lung cancer" "…or your family…" "I don't have a family" "…or your home…" "I don't have a home." "Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!"

Where's Aunt Florence

After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. "Where's Aunt Florence?" she asked. From across the room came a masculine drawl, "Oh, she's with the kids, bridging the generation gap."

Please don't worry about me

Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence. "Please don't worry about me," she said. "I was brought up in a family too."

Hilarious jokes

Seriously good jokes!Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He's been crying the whole way home. Isn't he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn't our Frankie."

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!

Jesus can walk on water, correct?
(Yes)
Well, I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So - I am 98% Jesus.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?"

The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub."

The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket."The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?"

Two toothpicks are waiting at the traffic light when a hedgehog comes by. They look at him silently and then one toothpick says to the other, "Huh, so there's even buses..."

How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,

'My name is John and I am an alcoholic'?

This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.

Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.

I can only guess people with dark-tinted car windows must pick their noses much more aggressively than the rest of us.Make criminals pay, study to become a lawyer.A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull testicles please"
Butcher: "Me too"Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!
NO Harold!Two elephants walk in the wilderness and spot a guy peeing at the bushes. One elephant nudges the other, "Man, I wonder how he ever manages to eat anything with that thing!"Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don't worry, you'll never go to jail with that amount of money."

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn't have a penny anymore.

Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, "We're going to have a hot summer again." The second one sighs happily: "Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…"

"Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!"

"But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!"

"It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"Me: "

Do you think it's strange to talk to yourself?"
Me: "No."

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?"
"Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy."

They say money doesn't bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"Students: "Homework!"

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who's telling me that.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken hasn't evolved yet.

Arguing with men is fun, even if they win... they still lose.

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.

The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).

Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!

Guest at a restaurant: "I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! "Waiter: "That's no use. He won't eat it either.

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.

Oh darling, since you've started dieting, you've become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I'm looking for food remains!

Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

A duck walks into a bar.

It asks the barkeeper: "Do you have bread?"

Bartender: "No."

Duck: "Do you have bread?"
-
Bartender: "NO!"
-
Duck: "Do you…"

Bartender: "LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!"

Duck: "Do you have nails?"

Bartender: "NO!"

Duck: "Do you have bread?"

At a job interview:
"Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"Really? I don't believe that is a weakness at all."

"And I don't give a rat's fart about your stupid opinion!"

How to seduce a fat chick? Piece of cake.

What is the difference between a politician and an actor? An actor gets better scripts with more credible story-lines.

Two gay men meet. One arrives with his girlfriend.
I've no home, I haven't got control, I can't see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.

Why haven't there been any shark attacks on lawyers?

Sharks observe professional courtesy.

A child's observation: If a mother laughs at dad's jokes, we have guests.

My boss told me yesterday, "Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.

What day does the egg fear the most? Friday.

Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda.

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:

"Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

"We got 18 rolls," answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, "It's really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over."

Neighbor smiles, "Yeah, so did we."

Two planets meet. One moans to the other: "Can you believe it, I've got humans!" The other cheers her up: "Don't worry, it will pass soon.

"When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.

Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds' and having just the salad.

How did Capitan Hook die?He got distracted and wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can't stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?

A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend says she's not hungry but ends up eating half of your food when you just order for yourself.

I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit, but I don't deserve it.

That moment when you check your time on your phone and have to check again 10 seconds later because you weren't paying attention the first time.

A judge enters the court room and starts the proceedings, saying: Before this process starts in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me $ 10,000 so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me $ 12,000 so I would rule in their favor. To make this case a fair one, I'm hereby returning $ 2,000 to the defendant.

"If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We'll talk about it.

I love ventriloquists!!!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Those, who go to sleep late, are called owls.

Those, who wake up early, are called larks.
And those, who go to sleep late and wake up early, are called Angry Birds.

How do you know when a politician is lying?
- His lips are moving.

Two men sitting in a bar. A waiter comes and both order beer. One shouts the waiter back:
- Just please, in a clean mug.
Waiter comes back with two mugs of beer:
- Which one of you asked for beer in a clean mug?

In a drug store:
- Sorry, that is impossible. We sell potassium cyanide only with prescription. Just a photo of your mother-in-law is not enough!

- I drink beer to ease the digestion. I drink liqueur to expand blood vessels. I drink vodka for disinfection.
- And do you drink water?
- No, I don't have such a disease.