Some Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient

You've lost so much weight. You look fantastic!
Thanks for noticing! My doctor says I'm malnourished.

You're strong and I know you can beat this.
Are you going to be disappointed in me if I die?

I read that kelp/almonds/asparagus have magical anti-cancer properties.
You should definitely eat some, then.

I know what you're going through.
Your grandfather's colostomy bag does not make you an expert on my medical situation.

That reminds me of when my dog/cat/gerbil had a tumor on her leg.
I'm sure that was heartbreaking for you.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Define "handle."

OMG, I have/had cancer too! Let's be best friends.
Please stop weeping on my neck.

I know you don't want to talk about it, but I really need to.
Get a therapist.

Cancer rates go up the less you exercise.
You're right. It's my fault I got cancer.

I am so impressed by how fearless you are.
Actually, I'm scared shitless, but I've gotten really good at hiding it.

I'm praying for you.
That kind of grosses me out.

I feel awful, too! I have such bad allergies this time of year.
You win.

Everything happens for a reason.
I'm beginning to doubt your intelligence.

I had a friend who died from that same kind of cancer!
Wow, what a coincidence. Eff you.

Jokes

1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

2. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

3. What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

6. Why aren't koalas actual bears?

The don't meet the koalafications.

7. A bear walks into a restaurant and say's "I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese." The waiter says "Whats with the pause?"

The bear replies "Whaddya mean, I'M A BEAR."

8. What do you call bears with no ears?

B

9. Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

10. I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

11. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

12. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

13. I saw a wino eating grapes.

I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)

14. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

15. What does a pepper do when it's angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

THANKSGIVING JOKES

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No. They're dead."

Teacher: What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Student: I'm thankful I'm not a turkey.

😀

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Who's never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey. He's always stuffed.

😀

What kind of key has two legs and can't open doors?
A tur-key.

😀

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

😀

Sheila: I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.
Tom: What are you serving instead?
Sheila: Squash.

😀

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

😀

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

😀

Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
He forgot to pluck the feathers.

😀

What do you get if you cross a turkey with an evil spirit?
A poultry-geist.

😀

What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?
Dessert.

😀

Why shouldn't you look at the turkey dressing?
It makes her blush.

😀

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

😀

When did the Pilgrims first say "God bless America"?
The first time the heard America sneeze.

😀

Why should you never talk like a turkey?
Because it's bad to use fowl language.

😀

What should does a space turkey make?
"Hubble, hubble, hubble."

😀

What is a pilgrim's favorite kind of music?
Plymouth Rock.

😀

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
"Quack, quack, quack."

😀

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
Take him out for pizza and ice cream.