How to provide emotional support?

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Lynn5479
Lynn5479 Member Posts: 5
edited November 2016 in Surgery - Before, During, and After

My mom had a lumpectomy w/SNB last Thursday. Today was the first day she showered and saw her breasts and it brought her to tears. She said the one is much smaller now. I feel awful she feels so bad and I don't really know what to say? Whenever I had a problem with my appearance she'd always say 'you're still the same person on the inside' and I know how when you're feeling that down those words don't really help. I should add my mother is not vain. She's not one to dwell on her looks. She'll be 68 next week, still married to my dad....id almost bet my life they haven't been intimate in years, and even if they were the look of her breasts would not bother him. until this point she has acted very strong like the whole thing doesn't bother her...but I think it's finally sinking in that she had cancer and her body is different now because of it. I just don't know what else to say. I told her they could do reconstruction so her boobs would be even or get a prosthesis in her bra but, she said she didn't care. Just looking for advice on what to say/not to say

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  • mara51506
    mara51506 Member Posts: 5,088
    edited October 2016

    Sorry to hear about your mom's cancer. It's never easy to deal with the changes the cancer brings. My recommendation is go with what she says. She may say she does not care for a while, since you already made a couple of suggestions, wait for her to take you up on it. She will have to grieve since even a lumpectomy can cause a big difference in her appearance. At some point she will most likely come out of it herself and may ask for some help with prosthesis or else getting reconstruction.

    For now, just listen if she does want to vent about changes to her appearance, be supportive but allow her to decide when she may want to do something about it. If she decides on prosthesis, there is a great site that has knitted prosthetics that are actually more comfortable than the silicone ones. They just fit in the bra and are light and free of charge . I have one myself. The link is below.

    http://www.knittedknockers.org/

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  • Blinkie
    Blinkie Member Posts: 169
    edited October 2016

    Lynn5479 ~

    Perhaps your mom just needs to grieve, to be sad. Sometimes I just want someone to be with me, without offering solutions. When I'm feeling that way I want to be comforted. I want someone to sit with me, in my sorrow, rather than trying to take the sorrow away. I want a listener, a witness.

    Things you might feel comfortable saying to her: I'm so sorry this has happened. I'm not sure what to say. You're not going to go through this alone; we'll be right here with you no matter what.

    It's okay to just be there and be quiet, too.

    When someone is ill, the whole family is affected. So you can help your mom by continuing to take good care of yourself. Take your vitamins, get enough exercise, get enough sleep. Whenever life is stressful, it is good to increase your self-care.

    Your mom is fortunate to have a caring child like you.

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited October 2016

    Tell her that it takes about a year for the fat to readjust and fill in the shape. When I first saw my breast after my surgery, I was shocked! But it gradually filled in and looks pretty good. I sure wish surgeons would tell that to their patients! A friend who is a breast cancer survivor is the one who told me.

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  • Lynn5479
    Lynn5479 Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2016

    thanks for your advice ;) my dad isn't the best in these situations so he definitely isn't the best at emotional support and that makes me feel even worse for her. I'll do my best at being a good listener and just be there for her

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited October 2016

    It is pretty normal to feel numb; I think it is a kind of psychological buffer. Sometimes just having someone there; not trying to cheer you up, but just caring about you is what one needs, and sometimes distraction is good. Going out to lunch, shopping, watching old movies or sitcoms etc. etc. can be a welcome break. Maybe ask for advice on some of the things going on in your life, put her back in the 'mother' role for a bit (it's hard for a mother to be the one who needs help).

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  • jcn16
    jcn16 Member Posts: 128
    edited November 2016

    Your mother is fortunate to have a loving caring daughter like you! She must be a wonderful mother. Listening is probably what she needs right now. Maybe hugs too. Just being there for her so she doesn't have to go through this alone is comforting. Tell her how much you love her and how glad you are that the cancer was found and treated because she is so important to you. Ask her what you can do to help and if she doesn't know today, keep asking.

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  • georgie61
    georgie61 Member Posts: 95
    edited November 2016

    You sound like an amazing, caring daughter. It sounds like she needs to let go and vent a little, and she knows you are going to understand. There is no magic you can offer her, other than to just keep telling her you love her. I also am scarred and misshapen, It just plain sucks., mainly because every time we look in the mirror we are reminded....

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