apathy about my diagnosis

lorilinay
lorilinay Member Posts: 2
edited November 2016 in Triple-Negative Breast Cancer

I hope apathy is the right word. I was diagnosed with Triple negative unknown primary stage 3c in June 2015. did what my oncologist called " a brutal course of chemo", and 37 rounds of radiation. they were shocked that my only side effect was loss of hair and dangerously low white counts. I still have fatigue from the radiation a little. and I felt nothing. no tears, no sadness, no fear. I had little family support. I did what I had to do and went on with life. I walked out of my final treatment and kind of just yhought...hmm, that was an interesting 8 months. no pink for me. I have no desire to do the walks, share,my story, or worry about the future.

this seems so odd. even waiting the 9, yes I said 9 days for my biopsy results, I felt nothing.

what's gives? nope, I'm not depressed. I just felt like it was not a big deal. this is very unlike my personality.

when I was told my cancer was gone, I just said "okay". same reaction when I was told I had cancer. I don't feel I've been given a second chance, or that life is better than before. I feel nothing. yet as before diagnosis, I'm still a highly emotional cry baby about everything else.

anyone else experience this blah attitude?

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  • cive
    cive Member Posts: 709
    edited October 2016

    I felt much the same way during treatment and I never even got low white counts. I worked full time, worked out at the gym and just did what I had to do. But I've never been an especially public crybaby, mostly I cry about uplifting stories in private. And yes apathy is the correct word about your cancer, but it appears not in the rest of your life. Not a bad attitude about something which is out of your control.

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  • aterry
    aterry Member Posts: 290
    edited October 2016

    You don't sound apathetic to me. It seems a quiet form of positive. You had surgery before the "brutal course of chemotherapy" and 37 rounds of radiation? I don't feel blah but I'm surprised that I'm not more emotional. My main concern is how to make the decisions--I always thought the medical path would be clearer.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited October 2016

    I felt and still feel the same way

    Just another bump in the road. Someone at work eagerly asked me if I had a team for the walk and I said no, those walks are for people who don't have cancer but want to feel like they're doing something. No pink for me either.

    Only downside is I don't get family concern because I downplayed it so much. When I became stage 4 my 35 year old old son texted me "sorry you are sick again." Seriously???? My 33 year old daughter didn't even text back!!

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  • lorilinay
    lorilinay Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2016

    thank you for your reply. I'm sure you are right that the "smart part" of my brain was keeping me in control about an uncontrollable situation. I appreciate your insight!

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  • gracie22
    gracie22 Member Posts: 229
    edited November 2016

    I am not triple neg, but HER2+++. But after that initial bump of diagnosis nervousness, I felt much as you describe. I am typical person emotionally (internally, anyway), though my face to the outward world is, I have been told, pretty stoic. I am not a fan of drama or sentimentality, so I have just not gone that way. I think you are dealing with it well and the best way you can, and agree that the "smart part" of your brain is keeping you safe. The only thing that concerns me is that you describe your self as someone who is normally pretty emotional, so this reaction is unusual. You may find yourself reacting to it months or years from now. I had such an experience years ago when my father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was dealing with some other life changes at the time and so I simply did what I needed to do to get through it. About a year later I realized that I was really "flat" emotionally. I did some therapy, and felt that it helped normalize me so I could get back to feeling and reacting (especially laughing, and finding things funny--losing humor is a big signpost of an oddball kind of depression which I evidently had--I was functioning fine, but had lost a bit of me.) So down the road, if you or the people in your life find you different than before, maybe check out therapy. But for right now, I think your brain is just doing its thing to keep you going and healthy. With all the myriad responses people can have to trauma, you are having a useful one.

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  • dAd
    dAd Member Posts: 94
    edited November 2016

    You are not alone! After a momentary sense of shock when I was first diagnosed, I remained "apathetic" through surgery (twice), chemo, radiation and hormonal therapy and have only been jolted out of it by the side effects of letrozole and zometa.

    I guess we all react differently.

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