STUCK, STRESSED, ALONE

Dear Lily

I could have written your topic title, as I'm going through some heavy sh*t myself, with 3 disabled adults that I'm helping my brother care for (both parents and a sister), and a stressful job. I also live alone, and have for the past 13 years. Oh, and there's my cancer, which progressed two months ago, and I had to put a beloved pet to sleep earlier this year, plus Dad fell down and cracked his spine, and Mom had a stroke, plus my nephew called suicide hotline last week (he's doing better now, thank god), plus... it's always something lately.

I, too, have asked myself if this is what it's going to be like for the next few years, is it worth the struggle?

My answer was "no."

It is not worth it to me to keep living in anger, pain, disappointment, self-loathing, exhausted resentment and obsessive negative thoughts. I found a therapist who is helping me purge my old traumas. Clearing out the negative emotions has helped me see that life, even when it's hard, even when it hurts, can be joyful. How I perceive my life - It's all in my mind. I can look for peace and pleasure, and find them. I can enjoy a pink sky or a white peach or a phone call from a friend, without thinking about all the things that I have in my life that I don't want, and all the things that I don't have that I think I deserve.

You mentioned resources and healthy practices: exercise, counseling, planning fun things, your dogs. Those are good things to focus on. You might even try a different kind of counselor, or exercise - something gentler and more supportive. Some people benefit from anti-depressants (I am not one of those people, so I'm not saying you have to.) Just as our cancer can mutate and require a different tx, so every emotional crisis isn't necessarily fixed by what worked last time.

Last, about the reconstruction: You have lived in this limbo for four years now. Do you really want to save your happiness for another four years? Can you not find acceptance for yourself as you are now? I don't mean "don't get reconstruction." I mean, don't wait for reconstruction to love your body.

I thought my own form was unappealing, until I had to bathe my 87 year old mom. (Yech.) Now I feel gratitude for my relative strength and youth.

There is always someone who is even worse off than I, and there will always be apparently lucky people who have it all and didn't have to work for it. I'm not going to let cancer or my family or my employer ruin my happiness. I can choose to focus on what makes me happy. And I have to remind myself of that continuously. It is not a switch that I could just turn on. And I come here to this board every day for support.

Life is putting you through the wringer right now, Lily. Don't put yourself through worse. Guide your thoughts and emotions to what makes you feel good.

I wish you health and strength, and most important of all: joy.

Eve

Lily, thanks for that clarification. Hugs to you in this horrible struggle. We're here for you!

Lilly.. just wanting to offer Big Hugs. Life can be so mean at times. But not forever. I went through similar shortly after my DX, chemo and reconstruction.... Too much crap to even list. That was 5 years ago and when I look back on that time, I seriously have no idea how I made it through. But I did. I was seeing a psychologist at the time - now I've moved on to a psychiatrist - for meds :-) - But she kept telling me not to think about the future at all, because it was far too overwhelming on all fronts, and to just 'do the next right thing' (as in 'right' she meant positive, or in a positive direction) I literally lived minute by minute some days... then day by day... week by week. I know it's super super hard. I've been in that black hole. It is a long climb out, but once you near the top, you'll look down and give yourself a huge pat on the back. My life is no where near where it was before BC and there are many things I still struggle with. But life is better. And worth it. Go easy on yourself and try and cut yourself some slack. You've been dealt more than most could handle. But minute by minute, you're going to get through it. Just concentrate on 'doing the next right thing" Big Hugs.