STUCK, STRESSED, ALONE
Well I have so many stressors going on there is not one aspect of my life that is not problematic. But most of all I do not know how to really move on when I am still waiting for recon......its been 4.5 years so far and I am told that I come up on the waiting list four years from now - 8.5 years in total. it is so cruel and inhumane. I have really worked at putting the whole cáncer thing behind me but it feels incomplete and unfinished without recon as I am reminded every single day. I still have counselling and my counsellor has written a report saying I have worked really hard and am out living life but that the lack of reconstruction affects me deeply and only that will restore my full equilibrium, and that is true. She says it is amazing that I do all that I do as many women would be sitting in a chair but it all comes at a huge emotional energy cost from me and I am so weary now.................
I have always been repulsed by post mastectomy bodies without reconstruction, please don´t be upset if this is you as its just my issue, but long before I was diagnosed I felt that. Now I am forced to live like that and it still repels me. On top I have no job, way insufficient income, left my relationship 20 months ago but still have to have contact with him (jointly own a property) and see him going around treating female Friends far better than he ever treated me, I don´t want him back but the fact he CAN be considérate and proactive for others makes it hard to believe him when he says it was nothing personal against me (he leant on me for everything).He admits he did nothing for me then and has said he understands why I left him, but that has affected finances considerably........and my heart aches. I struggle not to feel a failure at everything and have got to the point where I don´t really like people very much.
I also need to move from where I am living, not easy to find a place with dogs, am having tests as something showed up on an X ray and Dr wrote ? metastases (bone), Exercise is what helps to keep me going but now I cannot do that due to pain.
My only surviving parent has been in hospital last few weeks and nearly died a few times but does not live in the same country as me and does not want any family to help once discharged........
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself but am in tears inside most days and some days outside too..........more and more I am thinking about just giving up. I tried to do things like plan a holiday for a special birthday but now don´t feel I can even do that. I just feel worn out by life crap and if this is what it is going to be like for next few years is it really worth the struggle?
Comments
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Dear Lily
I could have written your topic title, as I'm going through some heavy sh*t myself, with 3 disabled adults that I'm helping my brother care for (both parents and a sister), and a stressful job. I also live alone, and have for the past 13 years. Oh, and there's my cancer, which progressed two months ago, and I had to put a beloved pet to sleep earlier this year, plus Dad fell down and cracked his spine, and Mom had a stroke, plus my nephew called suicide hotline last week (he's doing better now, thank god), plus... it's always something lately.
I, too, have asked myself if this is what it's going to be like for the next few years, is it worth the struggle?
My answer was "no."
It is not worth it to me to keep living in anger, pain, disappointment, self-loathing, exhausted resentment and obsessive negative thoughts. I found a therapist who is helping me purge my old traumas. Clearing out the negative emotions has helped me see that life, even when it's hard, even when it hurts, can be joyful. How I perceive my life - It's all in my mind. I can look for peace and pleasure, and find them. I can enjoy a pink sky or a white peach or a phone call from a friend, without thinking about all the things that I have in my life that I don't want, and all the things that I don't have that I think I deserve.
You mentioned resources and healthy practices: exercise, counseling, planning fun things, your dogs. Those are good things to focus on. You might even try a different kind of counselor, or exercise - something gentler and more supportive. Some people benefit from anti-depressants (I am not one of those people, so I'm not saying you have to.) Just as our cancer can mutate and require a different tx, so every emotional crisis isn't necessarily fixed by what worked last time.
Last, about the reconstruction: You have lived in this limbo for four years now. Do you really want to save your happiness for another four years? Can you not find acceptance for yourself as you are now? I don't mean "don't get reconstruction." I mean, don't wait for reconstruction to love your body.
I thought my own form was unappealing, until I had to bathe my 87 year old mom. (Yech.) Now I feel gratitude for my relative strength and youth.
There is always someone who is even worse off than I, and there will always be apparently lucky people who have it all and didn't have to work for it. I'm not going to let cancer or my family or my employer ruin my happiness. I can choose to focus on what makes me happy. And I have to remind myself of that continuously. It is not a switch that I could just turn on. And I come here to this board every day for support.
Life is putting you through the wringer right now, Lily. Don't put yourself through worse. Guide your thoughts and emotions to what makes you feel good.
I wish you health and strength, and most important of all: joy.
Eve
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Lily, I am so sorry about what you're going through. Life can be cruel and unpredictable. But, I don't understand, I REALLY don't understand, how you can be kept waiting EIGHT years for reconstruction! I would think you should have some type of appeal available. Federal law mandates that insurance companies pay for reconstruction. Although I don't know, because I got reconstruction as soon as I wanted it, whether this is common, or has something to do with your situation. Regardless, I sincerely hope you can find peace in your time of need.
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Thanks for replying......
Eve that is precisely what I have been trying to do for all this time and to a large extent have succeeded........but it all feels too much at the moment. It seems I am unemployable at 59............I do odd little Jobs for people as and where I can but in a country with high unemployment (35% in the región I am in) there is little chance of a job......I applied for disability to make me more attractive to employers as I am then more tax efficient but the grade of incapacity they gave me was not high enough to qualify.......I have tried to accept myself and can now look in a mirror without feeling sick but I have constant pain from the área and constant reminders, I live in a sunny country where everyone has their breasts out on show all the time...........the fact that I cannot seem to get beyond where I am is why I posted as I do feel so stuck and that I have failed at being a positive BC survivor.
Yorkiemom - I am not in the USA, nor UK but a so called first world country that has third world attitudes and behaviours and corruption, it took me two years of battling before they would even admit i do have a righto recon and put me on the waiting list........
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((Lily55)) you may feel stuck and stressed but with BCO you are never alone. ♥
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Lily, thanks for that clarification. Hugs to you in this horrible struggle. We're here for you!
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lily,
I have no sage advice but please know that I'm thinking of you. Keep up the counseling and maybe consider anti-depressants, if you're not already on them. I have had some desperate chapters in my life and though it was hard to persevere, the sun eventually came out. You know we are all sending that light to you.
ETA: Failed at being a positive bc survivor? Nonsense! You've been put in a very rough position. There is no scale, nor measurement of how one is supposed to do. We all cope as well as we can with what we're dealt.
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Lilly.. just wanting to offer Big Hugs. Life can be so mean at times. But not forever. I went through similar shortly after my DX, chemo and reconstruction.... Too much crap to even list. That was 5 years ago and when I look back on that time, I seriously have no idea how I made it through. But I did. I was seeing a psychologist at the time - now I've moved on to a psychiatrist - for meds :-) - But she kept telling me not to think about the future at all, because it was far too overwhelming on all fronts, and to just 'do the next right thing' (as in 'right' she meant positive, or in a positive direction) I literally lived minute by minute some days... then day by day... week by week. I know it's super super hard. I've been in that black hole. It is a long climb out, but once you near the top, you'll look down and give yourself a huge pat on the back. My life is no where near where it was before BC and there are many things I still struggle with. But life is better. And worth it. Go easy on yourself and try and cut yourself some slack. You've been dealt more than most could handle. But minute by minute, you're going to get through it. Just concentrate on 'doing the next right thing" Big Hugs.
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Just wanted to pop back in to clarify that I did not mean to give a lecture about staying positive (lord, who needs another one of those?). I only wanted to say that I couldn't live with all the negative self-talk that I was doing to myself and I couldn't stop it on my own: I had to get help. The right kind of help.
Jackster gave great advice too, about living one day at a time (or one minute).
Eve
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thanks everyone, lovely of you to take the time to comment. Nine Twelve I didn't hear a lecture, but thanks for popping back,I just feel so tired of trying,
I am taking Tryptophan as anti depressant, the chemical ones make me suicidal, I am profoundly lonely....and hurt.......I am so far from being a quitter in life but now I am deeply tired at a core level, I feel broken, don't think I fit in with the world. I have de-activated my facebook account now and am re-homing one of my beloved dogs as I cannot cope with what I have.........for balance its my soul mate who has to go.......so I have let him down too
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I'm so sorry that you are in that place of needing to give up your dog. I think, though, that our pets can carry on without us, after a time. All my pets came from the shelter. And we developed great bonds.
You gave your beloved friend fun times and much love. Now he will have new adventures in his new home.
You are taking care of yourself and that is the most important thing. Go ahead and be tired. Rest.
(As for Facebook. I don't use it. Makes me too sad.)
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Yes all my dogs are rescues too, it is breaking my heart but I know its the best thing for him, long term, and me. I am hoping he will have a home to go to directly, its a private rescue he is being homed by, sohe will be safe forever as they microchip to the organisation so care for dogs for life, no chance he can end up in a kill centre. Costing me international transport for that though. I am dreading him leaving, feel so guilty, hope he forgives me one da
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