Healing after being rejected by mother, even after diagnosis

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Liloefer
Liloefer Member Posts: 13

I don't even know where to begin. I'll make a long, painful story as short as possible. In 2012, my mother's mother passed away and shortly thereafter, my mother began to fall apart. She had always been a loose cannon emotionally, never affectionate toward me (but highly toward my brothers and sister), and never interested in getting to "know" me. I was 2nd born, first to my father. There was immediate resentment from my sister because of that. I fought tooth and nail to get Mom's attention, to feel like she even liked me. Even as an adult, she was difficult to have a conversation with as it always pertained to her or how people were trying to sabotage or screw her over. But after her mother died, she refused to deal with her siblings regarding the estate, and ended up estranged from everyone except her own children. I was the only one of her 4 children that defended her to the rest of her family and attempted to mediate. She eventually was able to purchase the family farm (largest source of contention in estate), which she would need to rent out. I stepped up, volunteered 4 months of my time, fronted her $4k to pay for supplies, and did 95% of the work. After the closing inspection, she decided she wanted to move in and rent out her old home. That was the beginning of the end, as I tried to help her put the final details in. Her husband, a buffoon of man, was a constant stressor. He is "dirty old man" creepy (has made inappropriate comments to me several times), doesn't bathe, doesn't work, doesn't have common sense. He would show in the middle of the night and like a leprechaun, would mess up what I had done or destroy something else. He made or altered firearms and would leave them unsecured in the rooms I had completed. I had to bring my then 3 yr old daughter with while I worked there as I didn't have daycare, and set up a room with new carpet and paint as her playroom. I had to constantly tell him to remove the rifle he put in there, and even though I am very familiar with firearms, I couldn't make it safe. He smoked packs of cigarettes a night in that room while he sat with his rifle and night vision goggles to shoot coyote from a third story window. Yes, I know. He would also set off bug bombs without warning while we were in the house. I got so stressed out from getting nowhere with my mother to try to quell the situation; he didn't listen to me and it never got any better. My last straw was when my daughter came to me with watery eyes and a swollen face after being there for 45 min. I packed up and left. My mother never tried to find out what was wrong and acted as though she was oblivious to my past complaints. I last saw her in January of 2015. After that, she refused to pay me back claiming she never approved what I did or purchased. She wouldn't talk to me, but when she did, she would send an email claiming she was too stressed to deal, couldn't afford to pay me back, and played the victim. I learned I was pregnant in Feb and ended up in the ER with a miscarry in April. We had been trying for years, so this was devastating. My mother didn't care. She wouldn't respond to my pain, and refused to return the $2.6k she still owed me so I could pay my medical bills. She set my sister on me then, to tell me what a horrible person I was and how the world was better off that I lost this child. In October I learned I had cancer, and again she refused to communicate with me like a mother should. Instead, she told me of her stress with her job and her family over the will. She did say she prayed for my health. That's the ONLY thing she has ever said about it, but not until after Christmas when I sent back the presents she sent to my daughter. My doing that was the most offensive thing in the world to her and my sister. Neither of them nor my brothers ever bothered to reach out to me after the diagnosis, surgeries, chemo, or radiation. I could be dead for all they know.

I feel so betrayed over the farm situation, but I am without words to describe the abandonment I feel about a woman who apparently couldn't care less that I could have died (or could still) from cancer. I lost my breasts, my hair, and my mother all in one year. I'm not sure what to even do. Do I try to reconcile? Is this a lost cause? Is it worth it? I am beyond sad about losing my mother, but she was never motherly to me. She provided no comfort ever in my times of need, no show of support or affection in my 43 yrs. I will never talk to my sister again. The things she has done to me my entire life ending with the comments she made about my MC....DONE. But I don't have the same certainty toward my mother, but I am not sure she deserves that either.

Comments

  • reflect
    reflect Member Posts: 576
    edited September 2016

    Liloefer, I am so sorry. Your family sounds toxic and I would steer clear of them. I think others with personal experience will speak up. Hnag in there.

  • Oakmoss
    Oakmoss Member Posts: 28
    edited September 2016

    That is an awful story. My family was very dysfunctional. My mother was embittered by the fact that life had broken its agreement with her -- the signed contract, apparently, that promised lots of good stuff and no or minimal suffering. She took this out primarily on me. I once heard someone say no one in his family ever had to be physically abusive because they were so brilliant at psychological cruelty. I just left in my teens. It was hard but the right thing to do. I've learned since, the repetition compulsion being what it is, that until you get really conscious of the dynamics, you will repeat the situations. I've broken through that, too (mostly). I am not big on offering advice, but I'd suggest not engaging with cruel or toxic people. I tried many times and eventually realized this never works. You can only change yourself. In my own view, unless you are gunning for saintly martyrdom, just get away and take the best care you can of yourself. I have found wonderful friends in this world, and they're my family. Your story is really heartbreaking, I'm so sorry.

  • aven
    aven Member Posts: 36
    edited September 2016

    I am a layperson, not a mental health professional, but I've gotten quite a bit of the following book by a very insightful man with a mess in his own life. (Takes one to know one :) Several different hurtful long-term patterns of interaction, but the basic idea is that everybody plays a role and we can only break the script if we recognize it. Perhaps it's in your local library...

    https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transacti...



  • Grandi
    Grandi Member Posts: 23
    edited September 2016

    Liloefer. I am not a mental health professional, however, I hope you will consider talking to a counselor. It seems to me that you have gone above and beyond trying to "fix" your relationship with your mother. I hope you know that you did nothing to cause her horrific behavior. A counselor will be able to,support you through leaving this situation amd taking care of YOU, for a change. You deserve the help. Wishing you the very best.

  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited September 2016

    Your Mum IS toxic, steer clear of her, she does not deserve you and is an unnecessary source of stress you do not need

  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited September 2016

    one of my favorite sayings...... "GOD removes some people out of your life to protect you. Don't run after them."

    And " it's a relief when toxic people remove themselves from your life. It's like the trash took its own self out."

    So true in many situations. And it's helped me to not feel guilty about trying (running) to appease people who do not deserve it.

  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited September 2016

    one of my favorite sayings...... "GOD removes some people out of your life to protect you. Don't run after them."

    And " it's a relief when toxic people remove themselves from your life. It's like the trash took its own self out."

    So true in many situations. And it's helped me to not feel guilty about trying (running) to appease people who do not deserve it.

  • wintersocks
    wintersocks Member Posts: 922
    edited September 2016

    obxflygirl1

    " it's a relief when toxic people remove themselves from your life. It's like the trash took its own self out."

    I really love that and will recall it when I feel sad at having no 'real family' My younger sister started to cool with me when I stopped 'liking' her greyhound obsession (hers, with various expensive coats/collars etc) and her increasing bloodied pics of these animals in distress and how we should all help to save them . I do work for a charity myself & have long volunteered. It was just too much post after post. She sent me a post to me only, about a pioneering doc here in England who had died from cancer, because apparently, I had said once she was 'inspirational'. I don't think so - I never used that word alongside cancer.

    I asked her not to post stories of people dying/dead of cancer as I don't want to see it. I mean who would? Britain is a small place and I already knew anyhow. I said it politely with grace and then told her I was not feeling too well and having further tests and not a word since... nothing. She has also stopped liking my 21 year old son's stuff (the only reason I am on FB is him and my other son).

    Also her husband has stopped commenting too. I cannot tell you how I have helped her in the past and the other sister too.

    I am done with them both. Also my toxic mother who told me 'I don't need this (your cancer' at my time of life'.

    No lifts to hospital, help with my then 14 year old son, no money, I had to stop work, gifts, food nothing... Zilch.

  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited September 2016

    I can so relate here. Counseling is a great idea.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited September 2016

    Lilo, I think what you should consider grieving is the fact that you never had the mother you needed. Ever. Cancer hasn't changed that. Sending the gifts back hurt your daughter and not anyone else...

    I had to accept that about my own mother and make sure I didn't bring my kids into the issue that wasn't their's to have to deal with.

    So grieve for what you never had. Not for what you're not getting now. It's a big picture. Walking away may be the best $2,600 you ever spent. Good luck sweetie!

  • YATCOMW
    YATCOMW Member Posts: 664
    edited September 2016

    I tried so hard to keep my life pre-cancer and post-cancer the same. From the outside with both my family and friends I wanted it to be just a bump in the road. The only difference between the two is that after cancer I learned that I needed to "edit" some people from my life. I just frankly need to keep myself around positive people. I think I just don't have the patience for anything else now.

    I have had many conversations on motherhood....and how children put mothers and fathers on pedestals. Some parents just don't understand the role and mostly the impact they have in children's lives. I don't think your mother is going to change...the question is can you acknowledge it and still work with it the way she is or are you better to "edit" and move on. I think working with a counselor can help you work through it. God lets us pick our friends because we don't get to pick our family. Some of us are luckier than others.

    I am sorry you are dealing with all this. Cancer is enough. I too had a miscarriage....so I understand the pain. I hope things improve so you can get to a better place....and peace.

    Jacqueline

  • fredntan
    fredntan Member Posts: 1,821
    edited September 2016

    I kinda know how you feel. I had to just put my sister in a coma this year. she isnt dead, i just pretend she is in coma. She said some pretty awful and hateful things to me. I just don't need that in my life. It was very stressful.

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