Rosevalley - this is for you!

Hey, Rose. Thinking of you always.

Rose, I thought you might like to see a picture of my new grand-puppy. Lucky for me, DS lives in town so I get to doggy-sit!

I am happy for your Lion King outing, and grateful for your reprieve. I hope you have a lovely day.

Dear Rosevalley,

Seeing you in my mind's eye - at the show with your family, in your garden today, feeling your well slowly refill after yesterday's big outing.

May healing energy flow to and through you, re-enlivening all your cells and refreshing your spirit.

September is so soon now.

You will always be with me Rosevalley and soon enough we'll meet up - not in person or in personality, but in deep recognition of our kindred spirits.

great loving kindness, Stephanie

PS, I hadn't heard of the book Tribe, but a copy is on its way to me. Thank you for expanding my heart, mind and world in yet one more meaningful way.

You know that book the Tribe is a small book but very very interesting on community mental health, belonging and disconnect in society. It was a very interesting read. I read a book review in NYTimes and thought can't stand it - must read it. I am glad I did. Everyone who cares about QOL not stuff, should read it since there is so much about history that we can learn from. I love that the settlers who left the colonies to live with the Indians routinely never sought out to come home. If they were forceably returned they left to go back to the tribe. Who would have thought? I will be interested to know what you think Stephanie.

The Lion King was stunning. We were kind of high but center. SO the full effect of the stage and sets and costumes was just wonderful The music and sound quality was great. The puppet animals and the way they moved was just magical. My DDs all loved the birds and dancing. I had to sign the story in parts and make explanations during the laughter and music. Some parts are hard to make "deaf" meaning. The story is universal with an African theme. The young king returning to find himself and reclaim his rightful place. A myth for us all finding out who we really are. Great music and I loved the stars/ night sky. We enjoyed it. I had to take a couple of pain pills to sit that long and got myself in a position I couldn't get out of..causing pain. But we had a great night out. It was lovely.

I still have a couple of weeks to get through before school starts after labor day. I went for chemo today and talked to the oncologist. She said she was surprised the markers jumped so much and I was so symptomatic so fast on one week off. My albumin and total protein dropped again causing the increased ascites. My liver enzymes are just a bit elevated and my white count must be ok because they gave me gemzar. So we will see what happens in the next 2 weeks. I feel like I should drain but I would like to wait just in case the chemo circulating is in that fluid. Let it sit for 8 hours and pull it off tomorrow. Of course tomorrow the steroids will sustain me and then I will crash and feel awful Friday.

My DH is so the eternal optimist... he told the oncologist I ate an entire piece of terimisu (sp?) cake and didn't puke. (It was fiercely yummy and I decided that if I did puke- it was blooming worth it.) We went to a special desert restaurant with DD3 for a treat. It was practically the only thing I ate that day. He also said my last drain went down! All happy.. it was 12 hours not 24 hours. That's why the number was decreased. I drained early to have a good time at the show and not be bloated. He tries to see any little improvement as "getting better" sustaining. It's cute and kind of sad. Really things are not better at all; they are slowly and distinctly getting worse. I keep telling him that and he just can't accept it. But there is the next couple of weeks to endure. As fast as things are progressing, unless magic happens, he will need to accept my leaving. My oncologist wanted to add carboplatin to the gemzar but that would mean more N/V. I made a face. We are sticking to gemzar. Tumor mrkers should be back tomorrow. Wish me luck .

Thank you for your pictures and kind words everyone. I love the puppy Ruth! Stella's super cute. Lucky you to play Grandma!

Rosevalley, will put Tribe at the top of my reading list when it arrives next week. Glad you'll stick around to have a little book club with me next week (yes, I can be selfish as well as selfless).

Just to clarify, I was a volunteer hospital chaplain, not a hospice chaplain. I had my hospice chaplain in mind when I wrote - she and my hospice nurse are both moms and strong mama bears. On Monday they talked me through a strong lesson in self protection - sometimes it takes a show of claws and teeth. I missed that nurturing protection as a child, so am learning now to just say no to things I don't want to do, even if I love the people who want to do them with me. I can say no to play or process or performance. I get to choose and needn't even use the excuse, "but I'm sick and dying, so don't expect the impossible from me."

Just yesterday, a friend who spent years trying to cheer me up by telling me to get well soon, told me that she prayed for my release. We've shared so much process around death, grief, change and letting go. She finally gets it and gets me. (selfish, yes!). So much easier and lighter to have our loved ones accept our deaths as natural and wanted outcomes from our long and painful illnesses. These bodies do get worn out and our spirits long to fly free.

Rosevalley, I pray your DH also gets his release and can nobly claim all he did to love you well for so many amazing years, through so many adventures. Then he can do the hardest, most painful noble deed and let you move on. Your love will remain, maybe through the particular pain of parting now.

This is close to your prayer, yes?

Rosevalley, you are essential mama bear. I've learned so much together.

Thank you, my dear teacher, Stephanie

Lalady- congrads on returning to your roots! I was always intrigued by Native American culture and it's beautiful art and myths. I had clay teacher when I was a child, who was also intrigued and smitten and I got lots of influence from her. It has made my life richer. Hope you make all your connections. The book Tribe is about the sense of community that is missing in modern society. Ittalks about "tribal" sense in vets because the military fosters the same sense of tribal unity necessary for military survival. Also during times of war and severe calamity when people rally and become tribal in cohesive unity. Modern society with it's individual bent and focus on aquiring things doesn't give people meaning and tribal identity/ support. Frequently there is mental illness, depression and sadness even though we have aquired enormous weatlh and safety. It's a sociology book and very interesting. Makes me wonder if the current fad of community co-housing, tiny living and such aren't a response to disconnect and wanting to be grounded with community. Making a tribe if you will is what we all do finding our mates and families. My own DD2 and her vegan diet has given her a sense of community and purpose- finding others like herself.

My tumor markers went down just 30 points. At least they went down. Taking a break from gemzar didn't help me.

Oh Rose, I'm so sorry for the loss of your DH's dear sister. My heart is breaking for you and him.

Did your DDs spend a lot of time with their Auntie? I'm so sorry for their loss as well. Life is uncertain indeed.

Editor board member sez "It's tiramisu....and it's so totally worth it if that's the only thing you manage to eat that day." And I'll back you up on that to face down all your medical team.

And yeah: SIL, and holding out until the start of school, and all that.

Oh Rose, I am so sorry about your SIL. It sounds like she was a lovely, and beloved, part of the family.

Send any mini schnauzer tips my way! We have never had a dog in the immediate family so are all newbies in dog raising. Yes, she likes to tug & collect twigs, and fetch (she has a fuzzy squeak toy that she especially loves, if you toss it; she will chase & grab it and then hurry off to hide it). She bounds when she runs, is a little cautious (but not scared) of people, animals or things. She is a good little walker & will stay right at your side when you are out in the yard. Yes, you can tell I'm already hooked!

Can you imagine how friggin great it would be if chemo tasted as good as tiramisu cake??? We would be the envy of the medical world the chosen patients! Ha ha... in our dreams instead of the taste of saline and heparin after our port flushes. ugh...

Stephanie- very interesting clip on deaf culture. We have a cool book about a congenital form of deafness in Nepal and the culture that revolves around it. Beautifully photographed. I guess there is another village in Bali. Both my kids have congenitally malformed cochleas and both have implants. Neither get enough information for speech. My oldest DD gets the best use of her cochlear implant and loves music and will listen with her Ipod. She will hum and we can figure out from the melody what song she is listening to! Like she loves Ariel songs from Disney and will hum the songs. Dead on too! It's so funny. My youngest doesn't get enough of the speech spectrum to use an implant except for sound awareness. She will listen to music and can tell if something is on or off etc. Still both kids are culturally deaf. They think in ASL and write in English with ASL influence. It is isolating speaking a language no one else does. It's hard. They can be in a play ground of kids and isolated... it's heart breaking sometimes. They also have a radar for seeing someone sign from a football field away! OOOOHHHH someone DEAF!!!! Yippeee!! They go barging over and no one is ever upset. It seems a cultural norm to bust in and connect, regardless of age.

The school for the deaf is full of kids with cochlear implants who can't use them for speech or hearing. Just giving someone an implant doesn't make them hearing. If they don't get the audiology and speech support early and hard, plus support from school, the kids won't wear the implants and they won't develop normal speech. Even kids who were headed for being verbal and mainstreamed successfully I have seen give up because it is so hard to listen and learn in a noisy public school. They just wear out and quit. It's very hard and an enormous amount of work.

My attitude is and will be - cochlear implants are tools period. You are always deaf and to use a tool is what humans do. If it helps you great. I wear hearing aides and glasses. Can't see a dang thing without my glasses. I wear them. Can't hear well either. We got quite some negative feedback from deaf folks over giving 2 adopted deaf kids implants but I have no regrets. The kids enjoy what use they do get. They will always be a part of the Deaf Tribe. They will always make fun of our signing and giggle at our mistakes... Like one time I signed chocolate instead of Church and my kid and DH busted up that they wanted to go to the chocolate church of See's.... as in See's candies. Holy Sees.... it took a long time to live that down. My DD2 recently signed she was going to kill the car instead of park it and my 15 year old nearly fell off her chair laughing. Hearing folks making mistakes keep us humble!

Thank you for your posts about DH's sister. She was a happy person, loved to swim, eat, enjoy favorite TV shows and was just a sweet heart. My DH wanted to say good by but a fast death beats a slow one. Now she is free of disability and flying free. She lived a charmed life and was lucky in that she had stellar support and well educated parents who loved her. No hidden away family here. She had rights and respect and love.

Ruth my DH ooohh and ahh over Stella! He was like "cutest puppy ever." We used crate training for house training and swear by that. You do have to train yourself that tiny baby bladders need frequent trips out and all positive rewards. Praise and tummy rubs and positive reinforcement. If our puppy went to chew something she shouldn't we had a can with pennies that made a sharp startling sound that we shook and then said "no!" That worked. Then give them puppy nyla bones, kong toys with peanut butter are a great treat. No raw hide. It's all about learning what is ok to chew and what is off limits. We don't allow dogs on the beds. We have a huge Costco round bed and our border collie sleeps in her bed. Not on people beds. So you have to decide on what rules you want to enforce. Make sure you give her a good quality food. Enjoy her she is sooo cute. Nice to have a dog and cats. What do the 2 old brothers think of Stella?

Here is Stella loving up DH. I will pass your tips onto DS, who is her owner (we are just the lucky grandparents, so can do the spoiling). I know he is strict about her diet; no people food, nothing with 'wheat' as an ingredient etc. He has two cats, as do we, so poor Stella will probably think that SHE is a cat too!

Good morning, dear Rosevalley,

Here's my book report on Sebastian Junger's Tribe:

I was surprised that this book didn't capture my interest or imagination. I thought it would be about tribes - traditional and modern, but it focused mostly on men, the military and war.

I enjoy hearing, talking, reading, reflecting and acting on his topics: American Indian tribal life; US & world history; war's effects on humans, culture and the environment; community; PTSD; attachment theory; income/resource inequality; exploitation and colonialism; healing and recovery; forgiveness and letting go; and what modern folks can learn and integrate from indigenous and traditional folks to co-create a more just, sustainable and resilient future.

Well, to be honest, I know next to nothing about men, male-dominant culture and the military.

As a lifelong pacifist, I've not so much recoiled from war as sought non-violent solutions to historical and global issues.

While Junger wasn't exactly a proponent of war and the military, he accepts and celebrates them and their ability to evoke loyalty, belonging and meaning.

He contrasts this with affluent, disconnected, meaningless and purposeless lives lived by many moderns.

I'm fortunate to live in the San Francisco Bay Area where thousands of people have come to co-create new ways of life for themselves and the next generation - lives that draw on native and indigenous tribal wisdom; the modern electronically connected age; harmonious ecological relationships; and care for the seventh generation of all beings living and yet to come into being.

It's no stretch for me to imagine a future that incorporates the "best of", because I know so many who've devoted their lifetimes to it.

I'm a fifth generation Californian and I know that my ancestors from here and elsewhere all sought better lives for themselves and us. And that better wasn't only measured by economic, professional and social success - but by community responsibility for all including the least among us.

Junger's polarity between tribal life and modern life is a false polarity in my experience.

Another problem I had throughout the book was his faulty reasoning - he too often misconstrued correlation with causation and then passed value judgements on his untested theories - an example is that society honors our military veterans by listening and encouraging them to self-identify as human heroes, not victims or villains.

Those who don't want to take time to read the book's few essay-chapters can read much of it here:

HOW PTSD BECAME A PROBLEM FAR BEYOND THE BATTLEFIELD

Though only 10 percent of American forces see combat, the U.S. military now has the highest rate of post-traumatic stress disorder in its history. Sebastian Junger investigates.

BY SEBASTIAN JUNGER MAY 7, 2015

(excerpt follows)

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2015/05/ptsd-war-ho...

Well, my nausea has calmed down and I hope to sleep now.

Looking forward to hearing from you, Rosevalley.

And from anyone else who's taken on this short, thought-provoking book.

early morning regards and loving kindness, Stephanie

xxx

excerpt from article:

Any discussion of PTSD and its associated sense of alienation in society must address the fact that many soldiers find themselves missing the war after it's over. That troubling fact can be found in written accounts from war after war, country after country, century after century. Awkward as it is to say, part of the trauma of war seems to be giving it up. There are ancient human behaviors in war—loyalty, inter-reliance, cooperation—that typify good soldiering and can't be easily found in modern society. This can produce a kind of nostalgia for the hard times that even civilians are susceptible to…

What all these people seem to miss isn't danger or loss, per se, but the closeness and cooperation that danger and loss often engender. Humans evolved to survive in extremely harsh environments, and our capacity for cooperation and sharing clearly helped us do that. Structurally, a band of hunter-gatherers and a platoon in combat are almost exactly the same: in each case, the group numbers between 30 and 50 individuals, they sleep in a common area, they conduct patrols, they are completely reliant on one another for support, comfort, and defense, and they share a group identity that most would risk their lives for. Personal interest is subsumed into group interest because personal survival is not possible without group survival. From an evolutionary perspective, it's not at all surprising that many soldiers respond to combat in positive ways and miss it when it's gone.

There are obvious psychological stresses on a person in a group, but there may be even greater stresses on a person in isolation. Most higher primates, including humans, are intensely social, and there are few examples of individuals surviving outside of a group. A modern soldier returning from combat goes from the kind of close-knit situation that humans evolved for into a society where most people work outside the home, children are educated by strangers, families are isolated from wider communities, personal gain almost completely eclipses collective good, and people sleep alone or with a partner. Even if he or she is in a family, that is not the same as belonging to a large, self-sufficient group that shares and experiences almost everything collectively. Whatever the technological advances of modern society—and they're nearly miraculous—the individual lifestyles that those technologies spawn may be deeply brutalizing to the human spirit.

xxx

One could say that combat vets are the White Indians of today, and that they miss the war because it was, finally, an experience of human closeness that they can't easily find back home. Not the closeness of family, which is rare enough, but the closeness of community and tribe.