Advice needed: BC diagnosis & Friend Abandonment

This forum has LOTS of advice on this issue. You are not alone!

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/798609?page=19#idx_562

peacestrength,

Some people just cannot deal with the stress of the possibility of losing a close friend, (scared) or being called upon to help with daily needs that are not theirs (selfish)

When I was first dx'ed I alienated myself, for the most part, from my friends because I was the go to girl for advice, financial help, anything they needed, it was who I was and not happy about giving that up."Women who love too much". I wanted to make all my decisions and carry all my worries and problems myself. And that's what I did.

I have since reestablished our friendships and some don't want to hear the negatives and usually change the subject or say things like you beat this, you look so good. blahblah. I'm happy to have them back in my life.

Do you want these people back in your life? Do you miss their companionship? I say have a day out with them (or her) and enjoy a good conversation, catch up and let her pick up the tab.

xoxMaureen

peacestrength - It takes amazing grace to acknowledge - and let go - of those people who abandon us when we need them the most. It would be so easy to be angry and mean to those who leave us behind because of their own "stuff". I hope your "friend" is forever changed by your kindness.

I had the same thing happen to me four years ago. Someone I considered a close and important friend suddenly disappeared. I tried to email her and it bounced back as undeliverable; I looked for her on FB and reazlied she'd unfriended me. I tried to call but she never answered. I reached out to a mutual friend who let me know that she couldn't handle my cancer, having recently lost another friend to a similar diagnosis - but that she'd "be back" when I was better. I spent a lot of energy (by choice) working through *my* feelings of *her* abandonment, and was able to get to that place of grace where I could forgive her in absentia because it was better for me, and for her. I loved her enough to let her go.

Sure enough - shortly after I completed treatment she tried to refriend me on FB, and I sent her a quick message that said, kindly, "thanks but no thanks, good luck, be well." And here I am, three years later with a recurrence. And I know (because we still have mutual friends) that she would have abandoned me yet again when she learned of this. I don't need that in my life right now. Other friends who supported me the first time have now "moved along" and are no longer responsive to me this time around. I think I scare them more now than before.

If nothing else, I am using this experience to refocus my priorities in life, and love, and friendship. Those who remain are (in my heart) more important than "just friends" as they continue to love and support even when they are uncomfortable or scared. That takes a lot of effort and heart-opening and loving-kindness on their part. Those are the souls I want to surround myself with at times like these.

Love and light to you.

I have known a different scenario. Had two longtime friends who were never really close and will never really be close with me but yet one of these keeps in contact a lot for being in another state. But both do not even ask how am I doing now or any health questions. Maybe they are afraid to ask but it would show some level of caring. There's another friend close to.me that I can share everything with. Moral of my story is you find out who will be the best support and long term

Friends.

My sister, who I was very close to and talked to several times per day, started a ridiculous "fight" with me 2 days before my mastectomy and then basically disappeared from my life. It wasn't actually a fight because I didn't fight back. We'd never had a fight before. She had been very quiet for many days, not responding to any messages from me or answering her phone. It's not like I was being overly needy, either - I was very careful not to overwhelm her in any way. After not seeing her for a couple of weeks I sent her messages asking if I would see her before my surgery and if she was mad at me and asking why she wasn't answering my messages. She showed up at my place in a red rage and was so mean to me that I asked her to leave. The next day she sent a message to me saying she was sorry for our fight and I answered "We didn't have a fight. You came here and attacked me during the most terrible time in my entire life. You hurt me very badly and I can't take that kind of abuse right now. Please don't contact me again until I'm healed." She sent me a "thumbs up" and that was basically it. I am sure she was relieved, because she couldn't handle the reality of my cancer. After I was healed from my mastectomy I contacted her. We've had very casual, empty conversations since then mostly out of duty. She called me when I was in the hospital with an infection but we're not close anymore. During the most terrifying weeks of my entire life, when I badly needed to just hear her voice every day like I'd heard it before and not even talk about cancer or my feelings but just know she was there, she disappeared. On the other hand, my dad stepped up to the plate has been by my side every step of the way and shown me more kindness than I ever could have imagined. I never would have expected this kind of support from him. My stepmother has been great, too, and I never really had a relationship with her before. You find out who your real loved ones are when you get breast cancer, that's for sure.

I've decided I'll keep my sister as a "fair weather friend" and hopefully we'll learn to have fun together again, but I won't ever count on her for anything. Fair weather friends are fun when things are going well and I guess I'll take what I can get.

peace strength and everyone here~

It just happened to me, and I have decided to use it as a chance to take a deep breath, confront conflict, and establish boundaries. I have a hard time with all three of these things!!

When I was diagnosed, a colleague and I were just starting to become good friends. She wrote me a sweet note saying she'd do "errands for me, read to me, cook for me..."

She did a few nice things, such as cooking a few meals, but that was her own decision. I only asked her for ONE favor, and she turned me down cold! By the time chemo started, she ran for the hills, and hardly communicated at all.

I felt extremely betrayed, and eventually let it go. After about 2 months post-diagnosis, I heard very little from her.

Then, the other day, I got a text message from her requesting help house sitting for a few days! So here's what I wrote:

"No, I am sorry, but I cannot. I feel like you betrayed our friendship when you abandoned me in the middle of my chemo. I understand that standing by someone with cancer is difficult, but when I got diagnosed, you wrote me a note saying you would be completely by my side.



Had you stayed present for me in some kind of way, like you said you would, you would of course know that in late June I will be undergoing exhausting radiation treatments. So you even asking me underscores your action of completely bailing on your commitment. If you had something of your own come up, where you could not help me, then explaining it would of course have helped. But, you did not."

gardengypsy - GOOD FOR YOU! That takes great courage to do what you did!! And it will help you move forward! I applaud you!! It is not easy to get those boundaries in place!!

absolutely...it was an ongoing topic in our support group. I had amazing support from some of the most unlikely people & was ignored by some who I expected would have my back. I've never quite understood it, but it's one of those things that you grow from... l think we all come out of this a little wiser than we go in. I like the response go to lunch & let her pick up the check;).