anyone starting chemo in Nov 2005

That's good news, Odalys.

I can't get out of my funk. Each time I take charge and try to get some final answers, I get more confused. I thought I had questions about whether or not to take an aromatase inhibitor. Now I'm second-guessing everything.

I have to learn to let go of all this. I try hard to put it all in God's hands, but there is such a huge weight on me.

All along my oncologist has told me that she would have me start an AI after I finish with the Herceptin. My path report is very confusing since it is made up of four different studies, each one going a little further. Back in October I asked the onc. some pointed questions, and she looked through my path report as we were speaking (not very confidence-inspiring for me) and told me it was all up to me. All up to me!

I went back to see the oncologist I had seen first and who is at a large teaching hospital in DC. She told me she would have my slides retested and then most likely put me on Tamoxifen, followed by an AI. A totally unexpected answer. The opposite of what my onc. had said. The fact that the visit was very uncomfortable also didn't work in my favor (she made me wait two and a half hours, sent a third-year student in to examine me (!) and finally came in with no apology whatsoever, and spent exactly ten minutes with me).

I was talking about my confusion to a member of my support group and she gave me the name of her oncologist, who is well renowned and also in DC. So we went to see him yesterday and the only thing he agreed about is that I should have my slides retested, but if my cancer was indeed as depicted there, taking an AI would be of no benefit to me. Okay, that's cool, no problem there, other than the question of why my oncologist would put me through an aromatase inhibitor if there was no benefit to me. (Or did she simply not know?)

But then he goes on to say that if I had been his patient he would have insisted on 1. an axillary dissection to see if more than two out of two nodes were positive and 2. a consult with a radiologist immediately after I finished chemo in April to determine whether or not I should get radiation. He said it is now too late.

So there, Anna, look what you didn't do. Here I thought I was doing everything possible and nope!

I guess the timing is bad. I had such a rotten Thanksgiving with family problems, not remote family, husband-daughter issues (she's not his) and I just can't get a grip on myself right now.

I'm sorry to go on like this. I wake up at 3 or 4 every morning and have to get up out of bed to stop the fretting. I know I should find a therapist or something, but where to start?

I pray and pray but all I really want to do is dig a hole and crawl in, pull the covers over my head and forget everything. I need to snap out of this.

Dear Anna,

I would be in a funk too, such different treatment plans. Please try not to dwell on the “what if’s” because doing so tends to keep us feeling depressed and stuck. If it were me, I would have my slides retested as many times as I can. Then, I would review all the "current" options, and pray for guidance as I select a doctor I can trust and a treatment plan I can live with. Remember hindsight is always 20/20. If we knew then what we now……

Please be kind to yourself. You made the best decision with the information you had at the time. There are no guarantees on this journey. These are just my two cents worth. Hope things turn around for you soon.

Love and hugs,

I was thinking of Kaye this morning and thought I would share this photo of her with you all.

Aaaw! When was that picture of Kaye taken? She looks great! She pops into my head often, and I just hope and pray she is taking in as many beautiful sights as she possibly can.
We are taking Daniel to see the Sesame Street Show in a few minutes, so I should go.

Anna-I didn't get to read all of your last post, but I want you to know that I saw Odalys's post, and she is right. There are no guarantees on this journey, and you can't think in terms of "what if." Well said, Odalys!

I love you guys.
Love and prayers, Deb

Anna, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I know you have had a hard time.

Debby, I don't know when the picture was taken, I have had it for some time now.

Odalys, it has been a long, long time since I have heard from her. Maybe she is living somewhere with out a computer. I hope that is it.

Sure thing, Margerie. You read my mind. I'd love to send out christmas cards to eveyone too so please PM me your address.

Hey guys, been thinking of you all lately. Things are going ok here. Crazy with the holiday's. Cooking, baking, shopping, wrapping etc etc. Kids are keeping me on my toes. I just love this time of the year.
Thanksgiving was pretty rough here. In the whole year (+) that I've been ill, I have never been so sick in my life. I think a lot of it was due to the pain patch I had on for my back, the news chemo (doxil) and pain meds. I was pretty out of it for a week. THe doctor now has me on steriods. 2mg 3x a day. I am feeling so much better on the steriods. A least it is a low dosage. Now I am just eating like crazy and not sleeping. LOL.
I am trying to catch up on all of you. Hope you are all feeling good and getting ready for the crazy holiday season.

hugs to all,
Kim

I know what you mean Odalys- I wish I could give my DH a new motorcycle or something huge for Christmas for all that he has done for me. I got him some golf and work clothes and a DVD "Nacho Libre"- which we laughed hysterically at when we saw in the theater. He always says "don't get me anything". He is just so glad to have me healthy again

Anyway, hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Are you still hiding Anna? I hope you are feeling better soon. And Kim, I hope this new regimen kicks that crap out of the park! Santa- are you paying attention here?

Hugs,

Margerie

P.S. Odalys- I am done shopping. We are traveling for Christmas- so Santa couldn't fit that much for the 3 kids in one car. But all the aunties and grandparents spoil them rotten. The adults in our family are exchanging home made gifts. My daughter and I are making angel ornaments and I will bake up a storm in another week.

Mary Lou - Is the baby here yet?

Anna - I know what you mean about being caught in the middle. Triangles are always so painful. Please take care of yourself. Remember, daughter and hubby are all grown up they can take care of themselves. Just a friendly advise from a cyber bc sister who cares a lot about you and wants you to be well.

Margerie - I hope you have fun baking and making ornaments. What a nice way to bond with your daughter. I'm sure she will remember it forever.

This weekend I thought Steven and I would have fun decorating the front lawn for Christmas. I soon found out he was more interested in chasing the dog down the block, trying to knock down coconuts by throwing rocks at them, and hammering sticks into the ground than he was stringing lights. Oh well, I tried.

Hugs,

Yeah MaryLou. The baby is here. Hope everyone is doing well. Update when you can. Congratulations!!!!

OOPS!! Congrats, Gramma ML!!!

A true Christmas gift indeed. He is adorable. Mommy looks good too. Glad to see God has brought so much joy to you and your family this Christmas.

Here is a great big cyber hug for the proud gandma...((((((HUG))))))

Thanks girls

I'm so full of excitement.
I will be posting pictures
so you all can see how he changes.

Can we say proud LOL

Love to you all.

I just read this article that indicates having a baby after bc may increase survival http://news.scotsman.com/health.cfm?id=1822442006 has anyone discussed this issue with their docs? I'm really having second thoughts about removing my ovaries without having another child. I really would like to have one more baby. Yikes...is this possible at age 44, after 3 miscarriages and a bc diagnosis???

Wow, what an interesting article, Odalys! We were trying to get pregnant when I was dx. Odalys, I agree with Margerie-anything is possible. Especially with women like us, who have overcome EVERYTHING!

Gotta get going-I have a concert tonight to play for, and I have lots to do!

ML-what a sweet baby! You look fantastic, by the way! We are going to take pictures of us tonight at my concert, and I will post them here. I just got my 3rd haircut!

Love and prayers, Deb
PPS-Kim, you sound good! Everything going pretty well?
Anna-still sending you warm hugs and gentle prayers. How is life going for you right now?
Merry Christmas!