I don't think my husband is attracted me anymore

Are you sure you haven't misdiagnosed the problem?  My husband told me he's so used to me being fragile and in pain that he has gotten used to being extra careful around me.  He is worried about my mx wound and bruising, which in his eyes looks painful.  Your husband may be afraid of hurting you and looking at your injuries may intensify that concern.

I'm not any further along, I haven't lost my hair yet....but I think what's helping us so far is being extra careful about how we go about physical contact. I had a bmx, so just hugging was a process for awhile. My DH joked that he wanted clearance from the surgeons before we started up again. But basically I just flat out told him that sex was important to me, and I only have so many moments where I feel good, and I want to use them. Yes, I will look better and feel better later, but there is today too.

And then I dropped the subject. I moved on. And after a couple of days, he made his move. We weren't sex every day people before, so I think we're doing great.

There are really talented counselors who help with this stuff. If your sig others aren't talking to someone, they should at least be given contact info. This is a big load to carry by yourselves.

yes I do know what you are talking about. I am in the same situation. I have asked him if he is still attracted to me and he says that he is..... but really???? I can't even look at myself in the mirror. My hair is just starting to grow back as well as my lashes, one boob and......... have gained chemo weight. He is wonderful in all the ways that he should and reassures me that when I am ready he will be ready however he hasn't made a move yet. I am just going through rads now and am extremly tired and somewhat emotional...... am I putting way too much pressure on myself and him????

I went through this with my husband and thankfully, we had an insightful talk about our feelings and expectations regarding sex.

The first thing he revealed was how he felt selfish for wanting to have sex while I was not happy with my body image after the bilateral mastectomy. So he decided to distance himself from sexual contact.

He was also terrified that he was going to lose me, and that, according to him was "messing him up."

The other thing he revealed was his confusion about how to pleasure me and achieve the same level of intimacy that we had before the diganosis.

My anxiety about my body had become the pink elephant in the room and it was destroying our passion.

One day, while fumbling in the dark (at my insistence), my husband turned on the light and told me the following:

"Babe, I need you to feel comfortable enough with yourself to let me see you. I am not going anywhere and I still desire you." We both cried and then began to honestly talk about how we were feeling.

I was able to say that I needed him to relax as well and not to pressure himself to perform, so that I would not have to feel pressured too. Let things happen naturally. So what if it is not perfect, together we can figure it out.

Now, two years later, I can walk around with more confidence about myself. I still have days when I feel ugly about my missing breasts, but I push those thoughts aside and focus on what I do like about myself.

I hope that our experience can help you and your husband.

Hoolia...... sounds like the conversation my husband and I just had...... I am so glad that we did. I still have insecurities regarding my body image but am hoping that when I am out of active treatment I will feel better. Shechirple when do you start treatment?

I have the same problem.  Only it's not coming from a husband.  It's my boyfriend of 7 years.  He used to call me beautiful.  He used to always touch me.  I had a dbl mastectomy March 2011.  He has never seen my scars and does not want to.  As I began my chemo treatments, he stopped kissing me and after that stopped hugging me also.  We don't have sex.  I finished my treatments in Oct.  He says he is not interested in sex and hasn't been in a long time.  He still doesn't kiss me but will hug me if I go to him for one.  I don't get it.  At a time when a woman needs reassurance and affection the most, my man can't give it to me.  I asked him if it's me.  If he's still attracted to me and that's when he says he just isn't interested in sex.  I feel so ugly and unattractive.  I miss how things used to be. 

So Sister's,

I am here to tell you all that, you are more beautiful now then you have ever been in your life!!!!!!!!!

Strong, beautiful Women!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 weeks after my bmx, my husband made a move to have sex, I thought  to myself, is this a total mercy sex, or does he really want me?  Here's the thing we already know, men are visual beings right?  We are emotional beings Right?  Meet in the middle............ I had no breast at the time,  my recon was started at the same time as my bmx. They were almost flat barely inflated and all scared up!  My mom and I went shopping, I bought sexy little nighties that I could leave on during sex, if the lights were on, I wore all kinds of sexy little tops or whatever on top, if he wanted to see them he would just move the top, I just felt more secure and sexier with the different tops or nighties  it gave me the confidence I needed and I think he felt this from me. I have been married 22 years, I met my husband when I was 19, I was 41 at dx, I was not going to let this damn disease rob me of 22 years of great sex!!!!  Now I am not saying we did it everyday, but it was a healthy sex life, we have 2 small kids so, really that puts a rench in it right there!!!  I think it's important to feel loved and beautiful by your spouse, do what you can to let him know it's ok to touch you and that you feel good about yourself!!!! Because you should, you are one hell of a women my friend!!!!!!

I am now fully breasted, with nipple recon too!! although I have no feeling in my breast and my one nipple on my cancer side remains flat, I know now that no matter what It was my confidence and not my breasts that made the difference for us. If I were never able to have had recon, it would be alright, were alive ladie's, live!!!!!!!!! Do what you can to make it happen, there's a very good chance he is waiting to get the signal from you!!!!! Talk and keep an open line  of communication,  you deserved to be cherished!!

God Bless all,

Hello, I was researching lack of sexual intimacy after mastectomy.. I don't have a husband but I have a female partner who has not touched me since my surgery.. 3.5 years ago. I have expressed how ugly I feel and that if she could just even pretend to find me sexually attractive it would help me.. but she refuses and says it goes beyond sex or wanting sex with me. She says that because while going through chemo and the stress of cancer I was angry and mean she doesn't not desire me.. that if we could stop fighting she would . So I have worked really hard to be what she wants me to be.. I have neglected myself and my needs to try and provide for her the kind of partner I thought I could be and or should be.. yet still not affection intimacy... she accuses me of only waiting to have sex but I feel our relationship is nothing more than roommates at this point. she uses a vibrator for herself so I know she has sexual desire ... I feel so lonely and confused as to what to do.. I want the relationship to succeed and yet I am starting to feel as if I need to walk away so that I can care for myself and my needs...

I have been lucky in that my partner has accepted my body in whatever form it comes in, sick and well. I know that is very unusual, but I thought I would share this: I loved my head shaved/bald! Everyone said I looked great. I was talking to my husband about keeping it like that, and a great friend of mine correctly noted "Come on, be fair. It will only remind him of what you went through." Desire and fear are so inextricably linked. While our partners may love us, it is not very sexy to remember the pain and suffering of disease. I wish I hadn't ever invited him to the chemo ward--one of the times they had a hard time running a line affected him very negatively.

I understand how everyone who has this problem with the men in their life feels. I am 63, live in New Zealand and had my breast removed 15 years ago. My husband backed of from me for along time. he was working on a cruise ship and only home for 6 weeks of the year. I found out later hed told a female friend that he hadnt liked touching me, using the excuse he thought he would hurt me. I already felt like a freak and was completely gutted. I left him. We are back together now and have been for 9 years and he is fine now. but I think that the time when we have our breasts removed some men do find it hard to handle and it is a shame there isnt more support groups for men. After having it removed I went to see about having a reconstruction and got this surgeon who asked me why I wanted to have it done after all it wasnt as if I needed it anymore. so I didnt. when I finally did manage to find a surgeon I backed out because I was on my own. The children were there but I needed my husband and he wasnt. when I was 55 I was due to have it done again and I got lost in the system. Now Im to old as I have emphesmia. There are time when I wish I was noraml but I keep telling myself I am alive to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren. Big hugs to everyone.