Feeling Guilty

Hi!

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. However, to me, small and slow sounds awesome (probably because my tumor was big and rapidly dividing). You seem to be a planner who is trying to fit cancer into her already busy life. Yes, cancer will affect the others in your life, But, remember that it is very treatable, and if you're Stage I or II, your prognosis is very good (especially compared to pancreatic cancer -- my uncle was just diagnosed at Stage II, and only 50% of those diagnosed at his stage will be alive in five years).

Please don't feel guilty about getting your medical care covered. All of us who have cancer do drive up the costs of medical care in our local pools. My employer covers my health insurance, and I'm sure that I'm considered a heavy user of services. But that's why insurance and BCCP programs exist -- to be there in the event of an emergency.

You also sound very anxious -- have you considered asking a medical provider for anti-anxiety meds? When I have a hard time sleeping because of anxious thoughts, I pop an Ativan. I don't use it every day, but I feel better having some on hand in case I need it. As the ladies here say, "Better living though chemistry."

A thought about long drives to radiation and home schooling. Maybe, you can buy some audiobooks and listen to them as a family on the way to receive treatment. I love audiobooks, and they've been a life saver for my daughter, who has learning disabilities.

((Hugs))

It is the MOST difficult time right after diagnosis but when you don't have a treatment plan.

It will get better when you at least know exactly what you are facing.

Sending my best to you and your family!!

All of your emotions are 100 percent normal. This is by far the most difficult part of the whole process. I promise you will feel better once you have all the facts and a treatment plan. From what you know so far your prognosis seems very good. As you said nothing like pancreatic cancer, but sorry for the loss of your mom. So for now try to stay busy and surround yourself with people that make you happy. Also do not hesitate to ask for medication to help get you through the beginning of this journey. Good luck and keep us posted. We are all here for you...

The BCCTP program is a federal program, so your county gets help from them. No reason to feel guilty because you will get the care you need or for getting bc. It isn't something you chose, you just got "lucky". Furthermore, you don't have to do, figure out everything at once, just take each step as it comes and you'll figure it out. The BCCTP program has been a quality of life saver for me and I don't feel guilty about that, just grateful.

Ugggh. I feel your pain and I remember all those feelings - fear, guilt and sadness, we have all been there. I am a 42 year old homeschooling mumma to 3 and I am also a little over a year out from a bilateral BC dx.

Schooling at home puts another spin on this horrific ride but it IS possible. I went a slightly different route than it appears you will take (I did BMX, no rads) but it knocks you off schedule which ever way you go.

We school year round with a one week break every 10 weeks but when I was dx last year, we took a month off as my surgery was only 10 days after my dx. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and the stars aligned with the BS and PS. However during this time, my children did read, practiced piano and studied their foreign languages every day but that is just a habit they have grown up with - I know all homeschoolers are an eclectic group and we all follow different courses:) 2 weeks after my bmx we were back in the school saddle full swing; I just couldn't lift my arms above shoulder height so they helped me a lot, with everything - they loved it! Children are amazingly resilient: do not be afraid (or feel guilty) that this will have a lasting effect on your children, from my own experience my 3 gained a lot of new skills - my son is now an expert vacuum-er (seriously, he does perfectly straight lines, far more meticulous than I have ever been), my eldest daughter now cooks and my youngest loves doing laundry. I never realized how much they are capable of and had this not happened it may have been a long time until I saw the light. They are more cognisant of what needs to be done without being nagged (I am not good at nagging, I'd rather just do it). All in all, I can look back and say it was a growing experience for them, and a very positive one. As hard as it is don't let the sadness creep in, I know you'll try to be strong and when you can, you can but when you can't - you just can't and that is A-ok. We had lots of cuddles, hugs and kisses.....the best medicine ever!

I think I read your children are young so missing a few lessons/hours/days of school is NOT going to mar them in the big scheme of things. The great thing about HS is you can dictate when you do school: you could choose to skip school whilst you do rads, do less school, different kinds of schooling (work books vs. unit studies), make a lighter schedule and catch up later (if you really feel you should), do easy things like reading and narration, learning multiplication tables in the car (you'll be insane by the end but they'll likely never forget them!!!) and as Elaine mentioned audio books are always brilliant. Use the flexibility that HS provides, you can do it however you need but most of all, don't stress about it.

Be kind to yourself - take time to relax, nap, snuggle - and just know, as far off as it seems now you will get to place of calm... hopefully, they'll fill your meds quickly;)and you'll arrive there even faster! I feel like a different person a year out. I lost my spark but it is coming back and many say brighter than ever - your children will be just fine - you are an amazing, caring mum. I still have not told many people, and I doubt I ever will. I don't want everyone knowing so don't allow that to add to your stress - it is very irrelevant. I did not even tell everyone in my husbands family in fact less than 10 people know including family. I chose that and I understand that it is different for everyone (BC.org members are also beautifully eclectic:) you will find your own sense of peace as things progress; most likely once you have a treatment plan in place and you begin to feel a little more in control. At that point, perhaps you could try some affirmations to help you with your internal dialogue - I know that helped me a lot, still does. We are all here for you.

Lastly, don't feel the least bit guilty about the funding/money side of things...it is highly likely that if that money in the BCCP programme were not used, it would be cut so I would say you are befitting those who will follow you. If the money is used it will likely be replenished or increased. Regardless, you need the care they are providing, do not feel guilty, not one iota! You are worth every penny and more in that programme.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about schooling and how to fit it all in or anything else:)

Hugs, blessings and light.

Mom2two - praying for the right plan to be in place for you!!!  It will get better once

you have that PLAN!!!

Momtotwo, Please don't feel guilty. It's not your fault you got breast cancer. You're not using up too many community resources--that's what they're there for and I'm sure you would never begrudge someone else using them. Be kind to yourself.

As for homeschooling the kids, I get it. I homeschooled mine, too.  I wasn't going through breast cancer or radiation at the time, but I did have a rough 3rd pregnancy. I remember being so sick, lying on the couch while my 8yr old read his books aloud and my 1yo played at my feet.  And then after the baby was born he was very handicapped. We had 3 years of doctor and therapy appointments, sometimes 4 per week.  My kids took their work with them--we called it "road-schooling".  It was TOUGH, but we got through it and I bet you will to. Let the kids be as independent as possible in their work. They will rise to the occasion, I'm sure.