Mothers With College Age Kids -- The Nest Empties

TarheelMichelle
TarheelMichelle Member Posts: 871
edited July 2016 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

I'm starting this thread as I will soon be out of the Mothers With School Age Kids (though I'm sure I'm still welcome).

My son starts college next month. I know that all parents must cope with an empty nest, even if those little birdies fly back home after college. For me, I know I'm losing daily contact with someone who gave me the will to live.

I'm thrilled that my son is already excited about college. Yet, I know we will not spend any more extended periods together until I am very ill. At least, that's the melodrama in my head.

I hope that other Stage IV moms can help me cope. In addition to college, my husband and I are facing decisions on where to live, now that my son is in college. Hard to choose between being close to aging parents or children.

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited July 2016

    TarheelMichelle, I can so relate with you. I had 2 kids to leave but my 3rd has Down syndrome so she will always be with us. Even with that it was so hard when my other 2 left. I knew life would never be the same and it wasn't. But funny thing is, somehow you quickly adapt to your new life without them. And then other things start happening which is also exciting. Marriage, grandchildren. Your life will be different but it will still be awesome. I am also a Tarheel girl. Awesome state. Wishing you the best.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited July 2016

    Tarheel, how far away will your son be at college?

    My son was a senior in high school when I was diagnosed with mbc. We experienced many emotions the summer before he left to go an hour away to college. I can remember thinking, what the hekk was I doing teaching him blah blah blah when I should have been teaching him blah blah blah.

    I felt like the first six months were a big adjustment. Some nights I slept in his old room. These days, texting makes keeping in touch easier. I would send a simple line or two every other day or so. When he felt like talking, he'd call.

    As with many things, just take it a step at a time. And I told my son, we'll just get through this a semester at a time. He needed that advice same as me. (He graduated manga cum laude last year and lives and works in his college city and has a girlfriend).

    You gradually get used to the empty nest. My husband and I eventually adapted and started taking more day trips and planning some bigger trips.

    Remember, your son still needs you, he just needs you in a different way. It's so very important we are still a presence, tho perhaps more in their background, as we help guide our children from teenage-dom to young adulthood. It is an important transition.

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  • sueopp
    sueopp Member Posts: 1,541
    edited July 2016

    Just wanted to acknowledge and agree that the Empty Nest is so much more difficult when mom has serious cancer. Because we are living with cancer longer (YEA!) and better (YEA AGAIN), we have the dubious pleasure of dealing with more life changes. Yea - I think. Sending love to the Empty Nesters - hang tough! SU

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited July 2016

    It is something you adjust to, although my 2 girls live 9 hours away, so I miss them a lot! After diagnosis it became harder as we only see them maybe 3 times a year. I started to feel like I need more time to have those old talks with them. Luckily I see my son more often so that helps a lot. But I often wonder if they will stay down there forever? What about when a grandchild comes? Do they miss me as much as I miss them? And the really hard one to contemplate, what about when I get really sick? On the brighter side my husband and I do have more freedom to just jump in the car and go. We are less ruled by what the kids need. I feel a lot of pride and comfort in the fact that they have become so self sufficient.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited July 2016

    Artist, that's right, you should feel proud and comforted to knowthat they've learned independence as young adults. So many hovering parents smother their children to the point that the kids have no confidence to strike out on their own.

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  • TarheelMichelle
    TarheelMichelle Member Posts: 871
    edited July 2016

    DivineMrsM, you are so right about letting kids go. It's hard when cancer is shortening your own life. I haven't forgotten how important it was for me to establish my identity in college, and I am glad my son is ready for that. His college is only a half hour away, and that's a comfort but I know I must resist the temptation to over-insert myself in his life. This is his own journey. We do text very often, and his eloquence blows me away sometime. He's thanked me often for giving him the upbringing to prepare him for adulthood. I'm proud to have raised a son who can stand on his own two feet.

    Thank you, everyone for sharing. Your wisdom helps me enormously.

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited July 2016

    Michelle,

    When I was first diagnosed back in 2005, I received the "call" three days before my daughter's high school graduation. Our family has experienced so much sadness in the years before, that I held back sharing this information so that my family and daughter could have this one day of joy. During that summer, I had the surgery and then I delayed the start of chemo until after I had taken her to school. It was a gift to her that she didn't have to witness and live through my chemo and radiation. She would come home on the random weekend, and I worked very hard to show her my very best. Unbeknownst to me, she found being away during that time very, very hard. I only learned this recently. She knew that I was withholding my real experiences, and she didn't like it.

    Fast forward to my progression, and she was now entering graduate school, living quite nearby. Since I responded so well to treatment, no one had to think about this too hard and they didn't. My last progression, and that same daughter is now married, getting her doctorate, and just moved out of our house [again,] and just 7 weeks ago she gave birth to the perfect child.

    I always thought that my success as a mother should be judged by how well I had prepared my child to think independently, to make life decisions in a rational manner, and to be able to live a full and productive life without using me as a crutch. I did that. She is an amazing kid, with a huge sadness that her mother isn't going to reach an old age, who is extremely close to me, but is able to manage her life [for the most part] without conferring with me for routine stuff.

    I know that I am lucky. It is been over 10 years since cancer became my companion and I have had the opportunity to watch my daughter blossom from an unsure college freshman to a fully empowered doctoral candidate, wife and mother. I admit that I forced her to listen to my life "lessons" at stages before she needed them just in case. Don't we all do that after knowing what we know?

    You will miss your son terribly. You won't miss feeling responsible for knowing his classes, assignments, and calendar. It sounds as though he is ready to make this next step, and that you are at least willing to let him "go." And letting them go is the first step to creating an adult bond with children who are almost-adults. You will find things that will fill that time, things that give you joy, and just because he doesn't live in your house full-time doesn't mean that he stops being a "reason to live."

    All the best,

    *susan*


    Edited to add: gosh, that was 11 years ago!

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  • Retz
    Retz Member Posts: 6
    edited July 2016

    wow...tough subject for me. I was dx with liver covered in tumors in Nov. My 21yr old son was in the Jr yr @ college 9 hrs away. We spent his Thanksgiving break in the hospital. He finished in Dec. and because my scans looked worse in Jan. he stayed home spring semester. Thank God I am stable and doing ok. He is signed up to go back in August, but is going to apply locally. Our life is in limbo. He is taking summer school online so there is some progress. I want what's best for him and I love having him here. Praying for what's best.

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  • ICanDoThis
    ICanDoThis Member Posts: 1,473
    edited July 2016

    Just thought I would point out that going to college doesn't always mean they leave!
    DD was a high school senior when I was diagnosed.
    Now, 8 years later, she finally figured out what she wants to be when she grows up, and is one year away from finally finishing her professional training.


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  • TarheelMichelle
    TarheelMichelle Member Posts: 871
    edited July 2016

    Moms, I must say again how your stories and advice have strengthened me. I'm so grateful

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  • ABeautifulSunset
    ABeautifulSunset Member Posts: 990
    edited July 2016

    My son left for college last year, so I was where you are now. Of course my dream was to see my kids graduate HS and go off to college. One down, one to go. . My daughter is still in HS. Now, my dream is to see them graduate College. The end goal keeps changing.. And that is a very good thing.

    Btw, he's back for the summer and part of me is kinda counting the days til he leaves again. Lol.

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  • ScienceGirl
    ScienceGirl Member Posts: 207
    edited July 2016

    Hello Moms!

    My daughter will be a Freshman in August. Hard to believe. She is Miss Independent and will be a 6hour flight away. My initial cancer was when she was in 7th grade and stage IV she had just finished sophomore year of HS. I will miss her, but I think mostly I'm excited for her to be starting this new adventure. (My husband says I will totally change my mind once she's gone and I'll be a wreck, ha ha, I'll let you know) Because of cancer I am so relieved for her to be done with high school, I feel like it's a big milestone in her life and I'm so grateful to have made it with her this far.

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