30 yrs together but now he resents me

mags20487 · June 2016

I was diagnosed in 2011. Husband was supportive through all treatment and the 9 recon surgeries. Now things are just awful. I had realized that i have endured his constant scrutiny and criticism for years. I have never been good enough, smart enough etc. He had never actually said this but looking back her was always commenting on the way I do something...never his way...the right way. Now I no longer can take it. I want to leave but I just can't seem to do it. I did once but only over night. We have had some long discussions and I want to see a therapist but he does not think he needs one. He also said in discussions that he feels like the last 5 years have been about me and it's his turn. I feel like this is the most selfish statement ever. am I over reacting? This all came to a head a few months ago when he called me an F'ing idiot for a business decision I made and now I just can't get past it. To top all this off I am so attracted to another man...the contractor who helped me expand one of my businesses and I know that he is also attracted to me. He knows alot about my history and is just the sweetest man ever. My heart is telling me to move on even if it's just for now but I have been married for 30 yrs and just can't seem to let go. HELP

edwards750 · June 2016

Mags - I was married to someone like him. Fortunately I got out after 2 years and found a great guy. We have been married almost 30 years.

Verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. I should know my X was constantly criticizing me when he had no room to talk at all. I was miserable but afraid of divorce. Plus I'm Catholic. Fortunately no kids with him. Got the courage to leave and got my marriage annulled.

You deserve better. Don't stay because of the longevity of your marriage. You don't want to look back and say what if? I would go to counseling whether he did or not. Do it for yourself.

That is so insensitive and selfish of him.

Whether you hook up with someone else or not allow yourself to be happy. I'm so glad I did.

Good luck.

mags20487 · July 2016

thank you edwards750 for your post. I have been open with my husband about how I feel about him. I am going to see a psychiatrist on July 25th. He still does not understand my need to talk to someone. I have never really liked myself much less love myself. I know the bc has not helped with my self perception either. He has been trying so hard to do better which is great. The hardest thing is that he hates it when I speak my mind now because it is something new for him. I have always been a little mouse in the corner and now I am a roaring lion

labelle · July 2016

I think it's a very good idea for you to see a psychologist. Generally speaking, if a person feels they should see a mental health professional, they should, no matter what others might say. Hopefully, he/she will be able to help you sort out some of the issues you are currently dealing with.

Frill · August 2016

"The last five years have been about you." Well, I imagine that if you had a choice, you wouldn't want to have it been "all about you." So how exactly is it supposed to be all about him now? Will you shave his head for him? Should you go to the pharmacy every month and pick up his hormone pills? In my mind, it's just now getting to be about you and not about CANCER.

I hope you appt with your shrink went ok. I love mine. I'm not sure I would have survived the last few years without him.

About the new guy, I find that generally when I'm trying to end something, someone else turns up. I don't know your husband, but your first statement was that he was supportive. This crap is hard on everyone. And I'm not taking up for him. If he's been nitpicking you to death throughout your marriage, then what you may be doing is making this about you now. Wouldn't that be nice?

Lita57 · August 2016

We do become roaring lions after a BC Dx. You'd be surprised how many "women of a certain age" leave their husbands at this time in their lives. The phenomenon is actually called "GREY DIVORCE." Deborah Santana divorced Carlos Santana after 30 years of marriage. Al Gore's wife, Tipper, dumped him after a long marriage...the list goes on but this is not the place to enumerate all the dissolutions of 25+ yr marriages.

It's interesting your hubby said "It's my turn." Lots of women say the same thing when they hit menopause. After all the years of raising kids, dealing with the house, a job, a crappy husband, etc., they've simply had enough and say, "Now it's about me."

Definitely get counseling. What I would also do is draw a line down a piece of paper. On one side, list all the POSITIVE things about staying w/hubby. On the other side list all the NEGATIVE things. Compare the two lists. One side will outweigh the other. Don't feel like you have to stay for financial reasons. There are agencies that can help you. If you simply can't afford to divorce, than an "In-House" separation might be called for. Discuss this carefully w/hubby. He gets to sleep in one room, and you in another. Get you own TV set so you can watch your own shows in peace. Make him use the guest bathroom and CLEAN IT himself. You essentially become roommates until you can sort it all out.

Be firm, "I you are going to keep disrespecting and devaluing me, and calling me a frickin' idiot, this is what you get." And as a roommate, he gets to cook (or microwave) all his own meals and do his own laundry. That's the deal. No backing down.

30 yrs together but now he resents me

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