depression - I need someone to vent to

Dumb question... What is Dance Moms? Why have I never heard of it? I know I'm out of the loop, but.... Farmerlucy is right that you won't always feel the way you do. But, right now, you have to think about taking some steps that may help you pull yourself out of the hole you're in. Is there a friend, counselor, member of the clergy, or someone you'd feel comfortable talking to? How do you feel about anti-depressants? I never took an anti-depressant before cancer, but I've been on Celexa for a year and feel better.

I worked through cancer treatment, too, and it wasn't always easy to keep up with my work. My grading was just piling up as I slogged through chemo. Can you reschedule due dates with your clients so that you don't feel so pressured to finish your work right away?

One thing that helped me get through my work was to set myself very small goals and then reward myself for meeting them. Grade five papers and I could watch a favorite show (not Dance Moms, unfortunately). Do a set of quizzes and I could take a nap. Little things like that.

Please go easy on yourself. There is no "right" way to cope with cancer. ((Hugs))

Aw, I think you need to give yourself a break here. You just had MAJOR surgery 13 days ago, for cryin' out loud!  Of course you're having a hard time--who wouldn't?  I imagine that most, if not all, of us who have gone through what you're going through have had some degree of depression and anxiety. I know I did.

Like you, my tumor was a small stage 1, luminal B.  I endured a LX, re-excision, and 4 rounds of chemo before I had my BMX.  I was holding out pretty well until then, even when I lost my hair and everything tasted like paint and grass clippings. I had intended to be back at work in about 2 weeks, because, you know, several ladies here at BCO had breezed through theirs.  Well, the BMX did me in.  I had a 4" wide seroma on the left and massive tissue necrosis on the right which resulted in a huge hole 3-1/2" wide and 2-1/2" deep, down to the chest wall. I had to pack both twice a day. That lasted about 3 days and then I broke down.  It was just so horrible. It took 16 WEEKS for my wounds to heal.

I think I was about 2 weeks post-op when I hit the wall--I couldn't concentrate, couldn't get off the couch, didn't want to bathe or dress, didn't want to talk to anyone. Basically, I just wanted to sit in front of the TV and eat chips for 18 hours a day.  I went to my doctor and poured my heart out. She immediately diagnosed me with PTSD.  She understood my feelings of mutilation and discouragement.  For me, the answer was a course of antidepressant, Lexapro, which treats depression and anxiety and is not habituating. Within 2 weeks of starting it, I was like my old self. I went back to work at 4 weeks post-op. I had burnt up all my sick leave and vacation, so I really didn't have a choice. It was hard, but since my depression was lifting, I was able to manage. 

I guess my best piece of advice for you is this: don't compare yourself to someone else.  You can only heal so fast.  And make no mistake, your body is in fight mode during this time of intensive healing. Rather than focusing on what you should be doing, concentrate your energies on what you CAN do right now.  Baby steps. You'll get there; we all do. This won't be forever.  Perhaps it's time to talk to your doctor about your depression.