Fatigue, my house, my life: A Rant
Comments
-
LOL! That's pretty funny Deanna! Z, I feel for you and I feel the same. I love my house and my art and special things I have collected over the years. I hate the thought of "settling" for another place and shedding a bunch of these things just because it is smaller and more manageable. You are correct, just one more way we are robbed with this disease. And a one room sanctuary is a great idea...
-
Shetland--I too have been following along and truly feel your pain in both of your posts.
I will speak for myself and say that I had zero energy, would sit in front of the tv, and let time waste away. I was depressed for a multitude of reasons (which I think most of us experience). I just couldn't pull myself out of the funk.
For me, finding the energy, the desire to get started and follow through, was the first step. I tried many, many drugs. I did sleep studies, breathing tests, etc. ridiculous! Wellbutrin and zoloft and Ritalin is the combo that has given me my life back! It's amazing. I can focus. I can complete a task. I have the energy to do something, anything! Of course, we are all individuals so I'm guessing some drugs work for some and not others. BUT, I HIGHLY recommend fighting tooth and nail for Ritalin!
I found some add on Facebook about decluttering and organizing. I signed up and I received weekly emails that gave me a project. The first one was, I believe, clearing the kitchen counters. Then it was broken down day by day. It worked really well for me at first, then life got in the way. We sold our house and just moved into a new one! If I had not decluttered, I would have never gotten the house clean enough to stage to sell. It all worked out, but was exhausting! Seriously could not have done it without the drugs!!!!
The cleaning lady is ok. I've had one for a while. I found that I spent all my time and energy picking up and cleaning BEFORE the cleaning lady could even get started! Like you said, I am the only one who could say what could go and what stayed. I like your idea of someone else doing the physical part of it (bagging/hauling stuff away).
It's not about living up to some kind of standard. It's loving your home, where you sleep, eat, and play. It's enjoying your life with your family. I hope you find the joy in your surroundings again!!
-
ShetlandPony, Sister, you said it. So many wonderful projects I want to do, housecleaning, get super organized. I simply can't at this point. I start to do something, then turn around and retire to the sofa (repeat over and over).. Very frustrating. It sounds like we may be similar in that a mess around frustrates and prevent relaxation. Not fun. I am becoming better at being nice to myself, forgiving myself and forgiving those around me who don't know how truly tired I am most of the time because I look "alright". I'm also getting better at asking for help which has been a lifelong problem for me as a very independent woman. I'm learning to delegate, delegate, delegate. If that doesn't get things done, I have resorted to the "junk room" where the piles go until I have help or a good day or two to focus on the mess. At least I get a reprieve from piles and feel I can relax some. I have been unable to work in my profession as an RN since Oct 2014 or do most of the things I used to do, like hiking, traveling and generally being really active, so my home is much of my world these days and very important to me that it feels like a place of retreat and refuge
I am glad you felt comfortable to vent here with your stage 4 friends.
-
It is so great to read all of your responses here. So great to be able to "talk" with you all. I hear you, those who mention depression, and I'm keeping my eye on that. I love, love Susan's idea of a sanctuary room. That is do-able. I will get my family to help make that happen very soon. Zarovka, how true that not having the home we would have had is yet another loss brought on by cancer and cancer treatment. Sigh. I realize that as usual, this cancer stuff means I can't have what I would in other circumstances, or what my "normal" friends can have, and I have to choose. So right now I am choosing to use my "discretionary energy" to pursue my dancing opportunities. It takes all I have, but it is a dream come true. My family is supportive because they know it brings me joy. Dh even drives me to every class, rehearsal, and performance so I can conserve my energy. When this busy dance season is over, I will redirect some of that time and energy to the de-cluttering project. I'm actually very interested in getting rid of stuff. Here is a big decision that came to me in a this-is-what-I-have-to-do moment: I am going to tell the extended family that I am opting out of the big Christmas gift exchange so that I can use the time and energy I would have spent planning, shopping, wrapping, and shipping presents, on decluttering my home, for my mental health. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but that big gift project always happens at a time of year when I really need a break to rest and catch up on things. If I can figure out how to use paid help, maybe I can pay for that instead of presents. It still feels overwhelming, but there is a step, anyway.
-
Shetland Pony -
That is a clear plan and set of priorities that will work. I can't imagine anything more beneficial that dancing at this point. Don't let anything get in the way.
>Z>
-
Kjones, yes I see you get it. And how many times have I cried tearfully that I can't even clean up for the cleaners! I'm so glad you found a drug combo that helps you. One thing I'm wondering about: do these drugs work best for people who have a brain chemistry that needs them to function better, even before the issues brought on by cancer treatment? Or do the drugs also help those whose problems with depressed mood and lack of motivation stem from fatigue, estrogen-deprivation, and losses brought on by cancer and cancer treatment? Sherrmue, as you said--start to do something but end up on the sofa. I hope we all can find ways to make our homes, as you say, a retreat and refuge. What do you delegate, and how? Artist, I suspect my therapist would say to look at downsizing as a choice you could make because you value having things more manageable, rather than as "settling". More empowering. Of course it's not fair we have to make such choices. Sigh.
-
Thanks for that encouragement, Z. Cue music from A Chorus Line: "What I did for love..." Of course the exercise is good for my health, too, and helps with fatigue and mood.
-
Shetland, yes I am choosing to downsize the stuff to make it more manageable and have more time to do what I love. Going through it all and making choices on what to give up is difficult but as I go I notice how much better I can see my truly cherished things with the clutter out of the way. It has actually been fun giving things away to my kids and friends too. The settling part is more about my home, as we are located in a very quiet beautiful place that I LOVE, and not sure if we can find something smaller and affordable here. Not to mention a home with some character like ours. Makes me sad.....but I have hope it will all turn out. I am envious that you manage to do your dancing. It must be such an outlet for stress and indulging your creative side!
-
Shetland, simplifying Christmas is a smart move! I've done it myself and wish I'd done it sooner. And Christmas is still just as nice. Lots of pressure on women to "create" the perfect holiday year after year. Now, I mute all the Christmas shopping commercials when I'm watching tv, entirely too much hype. I never notice men worrying that they can't "get it all done" before December 25.shermue, great advice on being kinder to ourselves.
A couple years before bc, I spent several months (an hour or two here and there) going thru several spare rooms where I'd stored many things. I have one child, wasn't able to have more, and sometimes letting go of things as he outgrew them: toys, furniture, clothes, ect., was emotionally difficult, so I'd put them in the spare room. Then at some point, through a conversation with ds and dh, (okay, maybe it was more like a loud discussion) I kind of "saw the light" and began to "edit" these things. In doing so, what was kept meant far more to me than keepig it all. For example, going thru books, I kept only ones I remember reading to ds and donated the ones that never interested us. I think that is another concept in decluttering: it's not so much about what to get rid of, but more about deciding what to keep.
-
True on all fronts Divine! We stopped exchanging gifts with our families years ago as it was just too much. Really sucked the joy out of the short season. Plus most of us ended up getting things we didn't need or like. LOL! Going through the stuff you really find out that less is more.
-
ShetlandPony, sounds like you have a plan to prioritize and create comfort for yourself that is shaping up nicely! Your ideas and the ideas of others who have responded to your post have been helpful for me, too. Sanctuary Room, simplifying holiday festivities, giving some items away to loved ones to reduce clutter and getting rid of that stuff that has been sitting around forever. I have some voice controlled devices I use daily now to keep tasks sorted and they help a lot.
-
Sometimes you may come across one simple idea that speaks to you. I remember once reading about "removing energy drains." I looked around to see what it was that was draining my energy level. I saw a great big big stack of photographs spilling out of a cardboardbox and all over a shelf. Every time I looked at the pile of pictures taken over the years that I kept meaning to put into photo albums, it seemed to be dragging me down. So I re-thought the issue and realized I was putting that pressure on myself to put them in photo albums. I really didn't want to do it, but I knew other moms that did that. I had to admit, it just wasn't my thing. So I went out and bought several pretty photo boxes, boxed those suckers up and tucked them into a cabinet. It took very little time and I actually did feel my energy lift from looking at the situation from a different angle and finding an easy way to resolve it. I let myself off the hook. I rummage through those photo boxes from time to time and am actually glad the photos are not taking up extra space in photo albums.
-
sp--you know, I'm not sure on the med question. For myself, I had been on depression meds in my 20's for a divorce, but never had any issues with attention, following through, completing tasks. That was new to me. And this depression is different, in some ways. Many more losses, I believe. I swear by this combo and soooooo wish everyone could feel a reprieve from the horrible fatigue!
-
When I declutter, it's usually by myself. Sometimes I get my iPod and earbuds out and listen to my favorite music while tackling stuff. The tunes are uplifting and help take some of the drudgery away. I might even sing along loud and off key but who cares? That lifts the mood, too.
I have an iPad, and one year my son got me cordless headphones to use with it, so I will watch a tv show or a movie while doing some things and that includes getting dinner ready, or cleaning the kitchen. That's how I got started watching Downton Abbey and was then hooked on the series.
Last year, I painted my son's bedroom and listened/watched a movie as I rolled out the walls. I am not a fan of painting but it is an inexpensive update and really improves things. I painted a wall or two for about 30 minutes, took a break, then painted another wall. I finished the room after several days. Having the movie on was enough of an interesting distraction to take my mind off the tedious task I was doing as I would get caught up in the story.
-
Divine thanks so much for the cordless headphone idea with Ipad. I am going to give it a try. Should lift my spirits. Thanks
-
Movies are the best when cleaning out my closet. I love the classics: Jane Eyre, Pride and Predudice, Gone with the Wind.....
-
ShetlandPony, I know this is an older thread, but, boy, can I relate! My DH constantly rearranges things, like books on a shelf, but doesn't "see" dirt, dust etc. We have many dogs and cats, many of them older and all in the house, so there's always some sort of effluvia to clean up. I love them more than anything, but some days, it is overwhelming. With me, it's more of a mental inertia than physical, although I do have some fatigue. I have energy at times, just not much stamina. Our wonderful son, DIL and 22 month old grandson just moved back here from another state, so we are having to keep the house somewhat cleaner for the baby! Talk about a good motivator!!! I have always been a terrible housekeeper, but now my life-long (I'm 64...) bad habits are making me nuts. A peaceful, lightly cluttered but clean home is like an oasis! I did clean our picture window inside and out this summer and am still patting myself on the back about that. Hah! I used to have a quote hanging on my fridge: "Housekeeping to me is as a mystery sealed, whence no man knoweth the key thereof."
All in all, I'd rather be reading or daydreaming.
Not looking for organizing or cleaning tips...been there, tried them all...just a little light-hearted commiserating!
-
This is always a source of tension in my house. My kids are natural messies and I'm a Clutterfly. We never know what to do with the daily "stuff" and the clutter doesn't really bother me. On the other hand, my Special Friend (of 10 yrs) is a NeatNick. So he is constantly ragging me to tell the kids to clean up. In his passive aggressive way, he is constantly whining about the mess and saying that if he didn't do everything, nothing would get done. He never notices what gets done, only what doesn't!
-
It really has helped me immensely to work on one area at a time when I'm feeling it. Slowly but surely I have been unloading "stuff" and what a difference it can make! I still have a long way to go but bag by bag I plug away at it. We may get an offer on our house soon. Downsizing will be glorious and make it much easier to get rid of things.
-
I have downsized and got rid of a lot... but not enough. We are remodeling our master bath and laundry room. (We means hired workers) once that is done I am getting rid of even more stuff!! It's driving me insane! And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. Watch the blacklist...I'm hoping my neighbor will help me go through things (since she has no emotional attachment to my stuff).
Keep it up ladies. We are doing the best we can. And now that sports are done for the winter...it's time to delegate!!!!! 😊😊
-
I feel as you say, Kattysmith, a mental inertia, too. I am so tired of trying to pull myself up and keep going. I feel like I don't care, even though I do. Organizing tips don't help when you can't seem to get up and do anything, or when the usual tasks leave you no energy for extras like cleaning up. Kjones, you say when you get overwhelmed you shut down. It's something like that for me, too.
It has been five months since my original post and nothing is any better. No sanctuary room. The furniture that belongs elsewhere is still there. I need to ask some strong student types to come help me. But I feel weird asking for help because I "look great" as everyone including my onc says. My source of hope is that I called a personal organizer recently, and she will see me next month. I did convince the extended family to simplify Christmas, so maybe I can redirect resources to the project. I hope the organizer has some ideas about how to get things purged and tidied up quickly. Throw me a life jacket. Also, I am considering drugs. I mean an antidepressant!
-
Shetland Pony, I've heard some women here have good results with Ritalin for energy boosting.
It almost seems like my main occupation these days is declutterer. We are having our place painted in March so I will have to intensify my efforts in the coming months. Maybe if we helped each other by posting here on any progress we make, small or large? Yesterday I got rid of most of DD's stuffed animals. I gave them to a friend who is opening a day care center for poor children. I think our friends can support us by taking on our junk for any good purpose they can think of. Lol. Like last summer, I got rid of 25 shopping bags of English books. A friend donated them to a library in her hometown. Today I will work on getting rid of old linen, pillows, duvets and towels. These could mean a warmer winter for some refugees who have made it to these colder climes.
-
Heidi, there is a lively thread just for what you mention -- posting progress and helping each other with decluttering. It is called
"Not quite a horder [sic] - decluttering"
-
Dear Shetland pony have U been peeking in my windows? I have the same problem but w/no family or money to hire help. I do know exactly how U feel. We can only do what we can & if others can't get it, well, one day they may be walking in our shoes. I know how it is to feel "is this how I'm going to die in this trash." Think I could throw a match at it. But were not dead yet & if we keep trying we may get, not perfection, but improvement. Please don't stress over it & I know how difficult that is. E-mail me & we'll bitch together. Remember the load is lighter when shared. April
-
ShetlandPony, I get it! I have spent months where I can barely get out of bed. When my grandkids are passing cold or flu bugs back and forth I end up down and out for twice as long as them. I feel like I live in my bedroom sometimes. I did decide after my first foot surgery that I needed to do something to get me perked up and to lose some of the weight I gained the last year.
My daughter has a Wii and they have a video game called the Wii Fit, the Wii is an old system and so is the game and they are very cheap on Amazon. I started slow doing a little yoga and some balance games. They are activities in which you have to move but I was actually enjoying myself (but I did find myself yelling at the voice from the game when my trainer would tell me I wasn't doing the exercise right....what does that voice know?? LOL). I started out working 15 minutes and was working out over 60 minutes when I had to stop for another foot surgery.
I felt so good and my energy grew as I worked more. I did go to a conference once and the therapist said if you were just too fatigued to try and work out then get a can of vegetables and lift it up and down with one hand and then switch hands. It doesn't sound like much but it is enough to help.
Another tip that is helpful to me is bill pay with my bank. I have all my bills set up in the auto bill pay program. On the 1st of each month I log in and put in the dates and amounts I want to pay. The bank takes care of sending out the checks and I am never late and it takes much less time an effort then doing it myself.
I hate clutter too, but sometimes you just have to let things be. If nothing else find an area you want to be your sanctuary, your husband and son can make an effort to keep the area picked up for you and in return for having a sanctuary that you enjoy it will help you pick up spirits up enough to try and accomplish other things that need done. When it comes to laundry and dishes, have everyone worry about their own laundry, that is not too much to ask. I bought a magnet that goes on my dishwasher that says clean/dirty. Everyone that uses any dishes are expected to put them in the dishwasher (another task that will only take them a moment). If the dishwasher is full they can put in detergent and turn it on. Then when someone has a dirty dish that needs to go in when they are clean can take the extra minutes to unload it. You will be amazed how much these few things can help. My kids hate when I fuss at them about doing their dishes but they are finally catching on and it works great. Its just when I can't clean the counters daily when things go downhill.
I hope you start feeling better soon
-
Happy Announcement: I have put into practice some of the ideas we talked about in June and after. As planned, my extended family drew names for our Christmas gift exchange this year, eliminating a huge project. This month I have been putting the time, energy, and money saved toward de-cluttering. The personal organizer came to help me and we spent several hours on the worst room and reclaimed it from chaos. That gave me hope! Because I felt that hope, I was able to do a bit more in that now usable room, and a long session on my own in another room. And the organizer is coming back soon to help me make that room livable, too. Also, I got medicine from the vet to hopefully make one of the pets less prone to mucking up the carpet. Another thing I did was get help from friends who came by and moved the furniture that was in the way of setting a room to rights. Finally, I have an appointment to talk with a psychiatrist at my cancer center. I want to explore fatigue vs. depression, and the idea of dysthymia. So, while the house is still far from my vision and I still have struggles, there are improvements in both the house and my mental state. For example, I had a convenient space and materials available to enjoy beautifully wrapping a gift for a dear family member, and I provided my kid with a clear, organized area to work on creative projects. So you see, the house is starting to support the important things already.
April, I'm sorry to hear you are also bummed out by clutter etc. The sanctuary room idea above might be a good one for you. And also asking for volunteer help from a youth organization maybe? Luann, thank you for the ideas. I really think you make a good point about how lifting your spirits (perhaps by exercise) can give you more energy to get things done, which gives you another lift.
-
Wow, Shetland, I'm so proud of you! You inspire us all, no matter what our challenges. So great to hear about your progress!
-
Congrats Shetland. You are making great progress. I'm having my grandson here for 2 weeks from the 3rd January and desperately need energy and motivation to clear the spare room for him. I wake with good intentions but seems each day passes without me achieving a thing.
-
Shetland, I am so happy for you and very proud of you. It is wonderful to hear that you made so many recent strides in doing something about your situation. I commend you for it. How great that you enlisted the help of a professional organizer and all the other steps you are taking. Continue to look at the progress you are making and not what still needs done.
Smurfette, are you perhaps able to do one thing a day in the room you want to clear? It helps if you chunk things down in to manageable parts. I don't know what is in the room, but you can always start with one item, say clear any clothes from the room. Just tell yourself all you have to do is work for 20 minites. The next day clear any electronic items. Each day chose one type of item you will clear. Chip away at it a little at a time, it can get done
-
I continue to simplify but it is easy to let things creep back into my life if I am not careful. This Thanksgiving I had 15 people in for dinner. I've been having it at my house for 25 years but I told dh I am done. Next year we will all go to a Thanksgiving buffet. Anyone who wants can bring a dessert to my house afterwards where we can relax. I like having people over but the preparation really got to me this year. I was overwhelmed. It's up to me to make adjustments, so I am scaling back with no guilt.
Earlier this year, dh and I sold a rental house we owned. Our renter moved out and I told dh we were going to spend all our spare time the whole month of May and work on getting the house ready for sale. It was a pain in the rear and dh and I had a few spats that month. I just grit my teeth and told myself soon I wouldn't have to worry about it. We put it up for sale June 1st and it sold in August. What a relief to unload that place.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team