Loss of friends when diagnosed with breast cancer

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Flygirl3002
Flygirl3002 Member Posts: 2
edited June 2016 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

Hi I am new to the site, and couldn't find this topic so decided to start one. I was recently diagnosed with invasive ductoral sarcoma of right breast. I had a lumpectomy two weeks ago along with sentinal node dissection. Just visited my surgeon yesterday and all margins are clear and nodes are negative. surgery went well and am healing well so far. I am awaiting appts to the radiation oncologist and medical oncologist for radiation treatment etc. I am cautiously optimistic regarding everything. I am 61 years old.

My reason for posting is because I have felt more pain and upset from so called friends reaction to my diagnosis lately (Nine years ago I lost my beloved daughter in a fire at age 21, and have stated that my cancer has not been the worse news for me, and at that time I found out who sticks around in difficult times so you would think I would have developed some thick skin). However I seem to have have been blindsided by my friends reactions.

Two friends did not reply to my news, another has replied that my cancer is the most commom women's cancer and now that I have had surgery I am over the worst of it. At no time did she ask me any questions but informed me that I probably won't require any further treatment. So nice to know Google is so relied upon for information lol. While the cancer I have is a common cancer, there are many different variations with different outcomes and it really saddened me that she treated my illness and feelings so flippantly.

My closest friend thought I was joking at first when I told her about my diagnosis but she told me I was family and she would help me through all the treatments stating that she would not travel home abroad because I was going through this and she would be there for me I told her if she needed to go home she should go.. She said no no she wanted to be there for me. It hasn't turned out that way. I informed her two weeks before the lumpectomy that the Cancer agency will not let you leave day surgery without someone to look after you over night,she would not stay at my place, I had to stay at hers, not a problem for me. However I learnt the night before that they had arranged a birthday party for that night, not seeming to understand I would have just come out of surgery, She said she would cancel, long story short she didn't and I ended up going home. She constantly asks if I am better now as if I have a cold.. I explain that I have cancer, I am moving forward. I have been asked if I want to come to her home country with her. I have told her I cannot travel right now to which I am told "Just tell me if you don't want to come with me" And yes community I found all these conversation strange too, as if something else is going on.

Her sister and brother both had cancer so she does understand how it is. She literally went to take care of her sister for two months. She has sent text messages asking how I am but made no other effort what so ever. I had my post op appt with my surgeon, didn't come with me although she stated she would. Then when I texted my results to her and that I would be starting radiation soon she texted me back that she was going abroad next week, which I believe was the deal that whole time. it is not that she wants to go home it is yet again I have been let down tremendously and made to feel like it is my fault even though I was told don't worryI will take care of you. A true friend would not treat someone like this.

I want to say one friend wrote oh dear sweet lady tell me what can I do to help, nothing else, so genuine and real, still lovely people in the world.

I think this hurts me more than the cancer..I would like to say my surgeon, Dr Andrew McFadden and his receptionist Debbie have been absolutely wonderful, as have all the staff at day surgery at the Cancer Clinic.

I am wondering if others have had any similar stories, maybe not so extreme. Believe meI have learnt once you lose a child people step away.

Anyway thank you for letting me share, and to everyone out there, good luck and God speed with your journey and I will be thinking of you all.








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  • movingsoccermom
    movingsoccermom Member Posts: 225
    edited March 2016

    I am so sorry for your experiences. I just found that unless someone has had cancer, they don't seem to get it, although I would have thought with siblings diagnosed your friend might have been different. My only good friend rarely called or emailed to see how I was doing. I learned to rely on my sister and brother who both have had cancer. My friends just didn't get it and didn't seem to want to understand. My best wishes for you!

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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited March 2016

    flygirl - so sorry this has happened to you, it has to many others as well. Here is a link to another thread with many who have found themselves in just this situation. Wishing you the best as you move through treatment.

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/798609?page=19#idx_555

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  • GG27
    GG27 Member Posts: 2,128
    edited March 2016

    Flygirl, Sorry this is happening on top of everything else, unfortunately this isn't unusual, not that that makes it ok. For me, I lost a couple of good friends who I thought would be there through thick & thin. But I've had tremendous support from people that I didn't know that well, but they stepped up to the plate, like neighbours who have been wonderful & become great friends.

    There is quite a group on the BC group, that meet up. I think part of it is that people don't know what to say, so they are uncomfortable & don't "get it" As some of us like to say "you don't get it until you get it" meaning you don't know what it's like til you've got cancer.

    BCO is my lifeline, the women here get it & we help each other through treatment, pre & post, chemo if you have it & rads. There is nothing that you can't share here, but if you're not comfortable doing that, just lurk for a while to figure things out.

    And yes, BCCA is great, even though I'm on the island, I have had to have a couple of things done in Vancouver & they & VI BCCA are all great. Kindest thoughts, GG

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited March 2016

    The thread that SpecialK has directed you to is full of similar stories. Here is a link that will take you to page 1 of that thread. [There are 19 pages so you are not alone!]

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/798609

    It is disappointing when those you rely on don't know how to step up to the plate. I am sorry that this has happened to you.

    *susan*

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  • pawstucket
    pawstucket Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2016

    I'm sorry you are going through this. It happened to me as well. it is very disappointing.

    Good thoughts, stay strong and surround yourself with the people who really care about you.

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  • Eleanora23
    Eleanora23 Member Posts: 91
    edited March 2016

    I too am very sorry to hear about your experience, but I thank you for posting as I can relate to it. In fact, this past week (while I wait what seems like endlessly for the durn lumpectomy already) I have focused on dealing with my anger and grief over feeling along and uncared for in this .... Fortunately, just like some others, I HAVE found some help and connection from strangers and aquaintances.

    I have found a kind "sort of" friend to take me back home from the hospital, but I will have to decide about being honest with the hospital that there is nobody to stay with me and really n. obody I can ask to stay with.

    I have started meditation practice in part to deal with the diagnosis and the subsequent anxieties, fears, but if truth be told, I am more devastated by the behavior of others.

    I hope I can learn to reach out and talk to others on this and/or other boards as well. It is hard for me to know what to day

    Big hugs to you!

    Ellie


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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited March 2016

    "I have found a kind "sort of" friend to take me back home from the hospital, but I will have to decide about being honest with the hospital that there is nobody to stay with me and really n. obody I can ask to stay with."


    Ellie,

    Tell them. I did, and they "arranged" for me to need to stay overnight.

    I can't say what they will suggest. In some places, there are short-stay, post-surgery suites. Sometimes very spa-like in areas that have lots of medical tourism. You won't know until you talk with them, but you can be certain that (1) you're not the first person to say this to them, and (2) they won't cancel your surgery for lack of friends.

    And then I took a cab home.

    You can do this!

    LisaAlissa

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  • Eleanora23
    Eleanora23 Member Posts: 91
    edited March 2016

    LisaAlissa, Thanks so much for the information.

    I will note all this to them when I'm in the "step down" area or whatever they call it.

    Kathy

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  • Flygirl3002
    Flygirl3002 Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2016

    thank you to everyone that posted. I read all nineteen pages, sad to know that family and friends can be so cruel. But they are, my friend, who was going to be around to help during all my treatments informed me after my surgery appt she stated she would attend and didn't that she was going abroad at the end of the week in the middle of my treatment. She doesnt get it even though she nursed her sister through it. I am disappointed at her saying one thing and doing another. after surgery when I was alone she didn't contact me but now wants me to come visit her before she goes away. I not not want to, and have informed her that I am busy wit he treatment. I need all my energy for treatment.

    I thought about contacting counscellor at cancer agency but I am not registered there yet.

    Again thank you for reading my thread, and you are now all in my prayers, wishing you much strength on this difficult journe

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  • akshelley
    akshelley Member Posts: 86
    edited March 2016

    Flygirl, I am glad you shared your experience, as it makes me feel less alone. Which is why I come to this Discussion Board. Not many in my life actually understand what I'm going through. I know many people back off because they either don't know what to say, or are scared of saying the wrong thing. I have felt some of my friends distance themselves in three years of treatment.

    It helped me to see a counsellor, and work through my feelings of grief and loss for the friendships I thought I had. I have been able to "reframe" my friendships and think "well, he/she can't be with me the way I need them to be, but they are capable of X." X can be bringing a meal, sitting for a visit, working on a craft project, a phone call, or just a card. No friend is capable of being everything to you.

    I tried to go to a BC support group, but felt weird being so young and with Stage IV. I find enough support here to get myself through the rough times. I hope you'll come back to the boards often.

    God bless you and I hope God sends more people to support you in your daily life.


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  • Katzpjays
    Katzpjays Member Posts: 237
    edited April 2016

    flygirl -so glad you came here for support. I too have had a similar experience with some friends, but it had been offset by others who unexpectedly stepped up in the most unexpected ways. I have insulated myself from the hurt by not taking it personally. Some folks do not cope well with illness and my hope is that eventually they will be there in other ways. Cultivate the new relationships you have the opportunity to build including those who support you here. Like you, I am 61 and just had my lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy today. Comfortable this evening with just Tylenol and some boob sized ice packs. Wishing you a similar experience. Agree...waiting is the worst. I waited 6 weeks post-diagnosis for surgery. Get the surgical pathology report at the follow up with the BC surgeon on 4/18. Happy to answer any questions you might have. Hugs to you

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  • Blinkie
    Blinkie Member Posts: 169
    edited June 2016

    I've had this same experience, but not just when diagnosed with breast cancer. When I had to travel out of state to care for my dying father, the same thing happened. Also when attacked & threatened at a recovery group. People who - I thought - were my good friends just disappeared. People who said they loved me did not come to my aid at all. I found this shocking. It still bothers me.

    One thing that did happen that was good is that some people who I did not know well reached out to me. There were unexpected sources of kindness. In general, the people who were able to be present to me were ones who had experienced similar sufferings. They were unafraid of death, cancer, abuse, etc.

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