Fat, Depressed, Confused, Scared and so tired of trying

justamy · June 2016

Im currently on aromisan for better odds of no recurrence. I've been clinically depressed for the better part of 20 years and am on social security disability. I sailed through active BC treatment as far as my mood. The "after" is so much worse. I take so many pills each day (read 20+). Lately I've been so tired, like I was when I was on chemo. I literally sleep around 16 hours a day. This has been going on for about a month. I see my MO every 3 months for my inhibitor shot and there were no problems last time. I know depression well and while I know I am somewhat depressed, I feel like there is more going on. I have recurrent Sweets Syndrome which has been acting up and it can be an indicator of recurrence. I have terrible joint pain and my MO basically tells me to deal with it (take Ibuprofen etc but it does nothing). I have zero sex drive. My husband is a good man and today is our 24th anniversary so he doesn't pressure me. I never leave the house except to go to church on Sunday. I find it very hard to think clearly and can't think of the right words half of the time. I studied English in college and taught for a year so this is very disturbing.

I say all of this because I'm physically and mentally drained and just feel done. I don't know if I should talk to my MO, my psychiatrist, my general doctor or who. I feel unheard by all of them and feel like a failure to my family and God. I'm hot flashing now in the middle of everything. Everyone tells me to exercise but I barely can make dinner or hobble across the room.

I know aromisan causes half of this stuff (including the massive weight gain) so I'm thinking I should just stop. Stop taking it, stop seeing my MO, let my body just do whatever it will. But my mind is going too so how do I stop that? I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I've tried in the past but just ended up hospitalized. I fought the stupid cancer just to feel like this. What was the point?

I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry. If anyone has any advice about what I should do about any of it, please let me know. I feel alone and so confused as to what to do about any of it.

xxyzed · June 2016

You poor thing. I'm only new to breast cancer but I'm pretty familiar with depression and illness in general. It's hard when everything gets on top of you and you know some of it is medication induced, some of it is just you and some of it is just plain sucky circumstances. I think the first thing to do is take a deep breath. I'm sure you've managed your depression before and you'll be able to manage it again. If it were me in this situation I would be looking for someone to guide me so a counsellor or psychologist. Do you have breast cancer help lines or charities there that you can speak to for advice. Hugs, deep breaths and baby steps. Aim much lower. You say you can barely make dinner or hobble across the room. I say well done. I'm in a hospital bed thinking its a win if I can manage a shower, dress myself and sit in a chair for a while. You've been through a huge ordeal and are still suffering the effects. Be kind to yourself

farmerlucy · June 2016

Depression is so hard. Clawing out of the deep well is exhausting. I did AIs for a total of ten months. I realized I didn't even want to get up to face a new day, deal with what feels like hinged blocks of wood for my knees, sheer exhaustion by mid afternoon. Recently I had an appointment with my PCP. He urged me to lose weight so I can keep doing what I want to do. I realized the AI SE were already preventing me from doing the things I love, so that was my decision point. I'm not generally a baby about physical pain and I'll endure just about anything, but I really felt like I was already dead on the AI. I switched back to Tamoxifen. I just feel better on it. I hope you get some relief soon. Gentle hug.

ElaineTherese · June 2016

Hi justamy!

Aromasin made me depressed, too. MO prescribed me Celexa, and I feel much better. I realize that -- being clinically depressed and on 20+ pills a day -- you may already be on some meds for depression. But, you may want to experiment with those meds to see if they alter your mood. My son is on meds for depression and anxiety, and figuring out the best regimen was really more of an art than a science.

farmerlucy and marieB are right that there are other meds you could take, like Tamoxifen and the other AIs. You could try those anti-hormonals and see if you respond better. Best wishes; depression sucks!

Anonymous · June 2016

First of all, you are never a failure to God as you are a child of God. He is near as He has you on these boards for a reason. Your family is your family. They may not understand since they are not walking in your shoes but you are not a failure to them, they may just feel helpless because they don't know what to do.

Second, if your MO is not listening or trying to help, dump him and find another who will work with you to find alternatives as there are several out there. How about a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist? Not sure but I think a psychiatrist is more interested in prescribing whereas a psychologist may want to get to the source of your hurts.

You are not alone. We are here to listen anytime, no rants turned away. Please continue to post, question and let us know how you are doing.

HUGS HUGS

Toscaxoxo · June 2016

I wish I could give you a hug! My 21 year old son died ten months before I was diagnosed, so I was already a wreck before all the cancer business, but I can tell you that I absolutely believe that the AI (exemestane) and the removal of my ovaries made my mental status way, way, way worse. I got off the AI and will not be doing more. Unfortunately, I cannot get my ovaries back. If I could, I would. (Lisa Bonchek Adams posted about that...I wish I had read her sooner.) Although hormones fuel my cancer, they also make me who I am. Cancer robs us of many things, but I am determined to live what life remains on my own terms. Please consider that the "treatment" may be making you feel worse than you need to and keep trying to find a plan that works for you. Your life is precious.

justamy · June 2016

Thank you all so much for your responses. I didn't have my email notification turned on so I just thought no one answered. I am on antidepressants. I take Celexa and Prozac then I take Buspar and Klonopin for anxiety and Seroquel for whatever else. The psychiatrists have diagnosed me w about every depression related illness over the years so I can't keep up.

Just getting the psychiatric meds right is so hard, but it was all working well before BC. Even during chemo it was OK. This Aromisan is just terrible. Also they forced me into early menopause as I was only 42 when diagnosed. That's why I don't know where to start. Is it the aromisan or just menopause? The physical pain is the aromisan. They took me off for two weeks to see if it was causing the joint/bone pain and it all went away. I told them and they told me to go back on it. What was the point of that? The problem I have is that there is only one group of cancer doctors in my City so if I change, I'd still get very similar care.

I am concerned that I might be having a recurrence because of the sudden onset of the fatigue but my MO doesn't check cancer markers just CBC...I will talk to talk to her next week.

This cancer has just stolen my life and continues to do so 😠

Anonymous · June 2016

justamy, you are dealing with a lot and it will seem overwhelming. Time does help and you will get through it as marieB and many, many others, have done. We can't say it will be easy but we are here for you.

HUGS.

justamy · June 2016

Thank you. I see both my MO and my psychiatrist next week. I just need to figure out what to tell them. My psychiatrist will change my meds at the drop of a hat. I get so tired of adjusting to new meds, but maybe it's what I need. I finally talked to my husband about all that's been going on in my head and he thinks that I may need them changed and that it may partly be due to menopause. That's a good point as I tend to forget that it can also cause these issues. My poor mind and body are going through too much at the same time!

Fat, Depressed, Confused, Scared and so tired of trying

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