The Pressure to Be "Okay"

Becs,

Thank you for the link to the simply wonderful article from LA. I so enjoyed reading it. The other side of the coin for me was I revealed appropriate amounts of information to all my family and contacts. A. I am an extrovert and find it hard to hide that big an issue in my life. B. I am a nurse practitioner still working. I have patients who have cancer and there is value for them to see me face cancer. C. Being open about my condition has netted me hugs, prayers and pats on my back. I think we all win. Nevertheless, I respect everyone's method of getting through this diagnosis. Regardless of who you are, the Stage 4 diagnosis is an enormous blow. Blessings to all - Carolyn from Music City

I too have been very open about my diagnosis, but I keep most of the emotional stuff for a close friend who also has cancer and "gets it" and the Stage IV groups to which I belong. Sometimes my husband will catch me in a moment when I am mourning over someone we have lost. He is very loving and understanding and I know he wants to be there for me, but I hate burdening him with more than I have to. Physically I feel great right now, so it is largely the emotional aspects that I struggle with.

I sometimes feel like I have one foot in each world. I have the "cancer" world and the "real" world. In the cancer world I can be honest when I am frightened or angry. In the "real" world I mostly appear ok. I wouldn't say it is an act...I just pick and choose who to share the deep stuff with.

Now that I've been at this for over a year and a half and am doing relatively well, I think what I struggle with the most is survivor's guilt, especially when we lose someone much younger or with children. It isn't that I think my life is worth less than theirs, it is just so hard to watch it happen over and over again. I've decided the best way to honor them is to live my life with kindness and generosity and to be truly thankful for every bit of it.

I do tell people. For one thing I live in a senior apartment with 250 units. So.... there is a rumor mill and I'd rather them have it from the horse's mouth than what ever goes around. I am one of the most physically active folks here, so I just smile when they ask me how I feel, and say Great!. Which I do, my diagnosis meant my symptoms went away. Finally.

If someone with cancer is spending excessive amounts of energy trying to come across as "okay", it is time to evaluate why. I feel it may be an insecurity if the need is always there, as tho the person feels their true self will not be accepted. It is a falseness and really should be addressed.

When it comes to appearance, everyone is different. I feel best when my hair looks nice. I will spend time on it even when I just stay home. I could care less about a manicure as I am a gardener; don't wear fancy jewelry, mostly just simple earrings. Bad feet due to side effects of meds dictate that I often wear sneakers with insoles, the feminine high heels are far in the past. I have gained weight.

There's a lot of acceptance about where my life is at this point. Some healthy people have so many more things going for them than I do and yet are miserable and have out of sync priorities. Again, my philosophy may be easier because of my age. I just don't care as much about the rat race and keeping up with the Joneses. And I wish I'd been this way a long time ago.

I'm with you, Becs. To each her own! Whatever gets us through this is good.

I'm not insecure or false. I'm a fairly private person whose public persona is not a mask, but rather putting my best face forward for my own sake. This deprives me of nothing except perhaps victimhood. For my entire adult life, it has given me equal standing and self-confidence in a world in which people are only too willing to judge, stereotype, pity or dismiss others.

Tina

Becs, it just sucks that you, a young woman, have to deal with breast cancer. I have always said, especially with stage iv, that it is the most unfair to young women such as yourself and my heart really goes out to you and all those in the 20-30-40 age bracket. I really do think that in many ways, the diagnosis it is harder for youthan on older women.

Then, for you to have had to deal with cancer as a teenager, I cannot even imagine how life changing that is, and to deal with cancer twice is doubly unfair. All of that, certainly, alters your perspective on life.

Imo, age often equals stage in life. As a woman in my mid 50s, my life is different from that of a woman in her 30s. I am married with grown children, young grandchildren and an empty nester. All of these things influence my life and how I deal with bc and how I interact with the world around me.

It sounds like you benefit from putting your best self forward, especially when you want to maintain friendships, so I don't see that as a falseness or insecurity. If you have a friend or relative or two with whom you are able to be with when you are down, then that lessens the pressure to always be okay. It's when a person doesn't have anyone or any kind of retreat but feels always that they must be "on" that comes across to me as insecure. For the record, I know a number of physically healthy people who think they must always be "up".

wow Becs

I loved the article and loved your willingness to share your story here. I think context is everything. The way I can be authentic in sharing my story is to be careful where I share it. I have people in my life who are awesome. These friends and family can hold me together emotionally and do practicle things when needed. I also have truely nice people in my life who don't get it. Overtime, I have learned who gets what kind of info.

I am facinated by the variety of who we are and how we get through. I do think we all find our own unique path. For me reading and sharing on bco is an important part of what gets me through.

Thanks again Becs

Mary

I think we all deal with it in our own unique ways and adjust as new situations arise. I too shared the informational aspects in the beginning as sort of regretted it. Although living in a small town makes it hard to hide such news. I do feel pressure to "be OK" just so people will stop withdrawing from me. I do not mind sharing info as long as people ask with respect and concern, but emotionally I am a somewhat private person and am limited in who I can share with. Like JFL, I do not want to be written of. It is a lonely enough disease as is. I don't want to dwell on it 24/7. I try to spare my DH from too much right now, although sometimes I just have a meltdown and he is directly in the line of fire. I do not want him seeing me as his "sick wife" every day until he has to.

I always give credit to this forum for helping me move forward after the diagnosis. (This...and anti anxiety meds!) At first, I literally did not know what to do, what to think, how to approach the rest of my life, whatever remained of it. Then I would read first hand accounts here of women who continued hiking, camping, traveling, shopping, having birthday parties for family members, playing the piano for church services, ect. Their lives weren't always one big hoopla; they were intentionally choosing how to spend time and energy, whatever that meant for each individual, in meaningful ways. And I learned.

Many of us have heard how all matter has a vibration to it, including people. I feel like my vibration has gotten lower since dx, not necessarily in a bad way, but to maintain more of an even keel to conserve energy and be able to go the distance. Lower vibration, but more deliberate. It is easier to edit out things that don't matter as much and follow my heart more often, something I know I wasn't doing as well before bc when I apparently didn't feel I was worth as much or felt I always had to do for others, ignoring my needs and even feeling guilty in going for what I wanted and succeeding.

Divine, I have read several of your posts about how you now live more authentically and feel more free to say no to situations/people who do not add value to your day. Not laughing at crummy jokes, no false flattering people. I love it and I totally agree with you. That is one way my life has changed for the better! I wish I had had the courage to be more authentic way long ago too! JFL, that is the perfect way to describe my feelings. I do not want him to suffer from emotional burnout. I swear this disease robs us of so many things it is indescribable.