I'm depressed and I want to stop treatment and surgery

Right now since where I live is his house nobody will give me anything without paperwork from him saying he moved out and is contributing nothing to my life or the kids lives and he refuses to do anything like that. He told me yesterday that he is going to file a restraining order on me tomorrow to get me out of this house. He just rents this house but my name is on nothing at all. He trashed my credit so badly over the years that I can't get anything in my name at all. I applied for housing assistance but got turned down because I have so many unpaid utility bills in my name. I can't even get insurance or food stamps for my kids because of him. He is banned from food stamps for life so since I live under his name I get nothing. Did start a gofundme account for the kids and I but it stalled after a couple of days. I wake up everyday looking for the sheriff to come and throw us out of this house. All I can really do is just sit here and hope we survive another day everyday. I have six weeks of chemo left before surgery so I just hope before then I can find a way to have my kids somewhere settled so they will be ok while I recover from surgery. I am getting a restraining order on him hopefully so I don't have to worry about him messing with us if I ever get out of here. gofundme.com/248duuxw is my gofundme acct if you could pass it along on any social media I would very much appreciate it. I tend to ramble I apologize for that. I have no one really to talk to except my kids and that's so unfair to them I just blurt out everything I can here.

yes I have sole custody of the kids even though he and I have shared a house pretty much since I got on disability but I spent most of their life not working a regular job to be home and raise them so I only get $750 a month. I don't understand how much of anything works honestly. All I know is I get every door slammed in my face when I apply for anything. I am embarrassed to admit it but I've been his puppet for so long that I'm lost without him running my life. I'm so depressed. I wish I could feel happy for just a day maybe. I feel paralyzed by the way I feel. I so appreciate that people like you respond to my crybaby messages. Thank you so much.

thank you,I'm so depressed I can barely breath today.

Honestly I give him my money but I can't afford this house by myself. If could get a roommate I would give them my bedroom and I'd sleep in the living room but I have no friends at all. Controlling men run everybody out of your life so that they are all you have. And then all of the sudden he is gone and you realize that you gave up everyone else for him and you are alone. I'm a complete fool! 22 years of my life gone and now fighting cancer while he goes off and has a great life with zero responsibilitys.

Well I also was so deparate to get the divorce I let them put all the debt that we had at that time on me because he kept contesting the divorce. Screwed me hard because the debt kept me from living without him forcing me to live with him and getting even more debt piled on me. And then I ended up disabled and now cancer. Check mate for him!

I didn't have an attorney, I filed the paper work and had to handle it myself. No way did I have attorney money.

I have a friend who is an attorney/judge in another county so he hooked me up with an attorney here locally and I have an appt with him on the 19th. I am making a list of things that need worked on , fixed ect. Hopefully he can handle everything. I've been trying to get into see him for a month now.I have social anxiety so even something that can possibly help me scares the crap out of me.

Well everybody I got in big ass trouble last night. My ex found out about and read my go fund me thing. And his father and his wife saw it also. I have never made him this angry in 22 years! He of course says it's all lies and he will make sure I pay big for publically humiliating him. Oops lol. Everything I said was the honest truth and I told him so. Also I have zero regrets that I posted that thing because right now it's feeding my kids! Everyday is a struggle to not let it bother me that he's so pissed at me. I'm so use to always trying to fix that insane relationship that the habit is overwhelming. Today I have treatment and I'm afraid he is at my house as I sit here robbing me of TVs or anything else he can take out of my house in 3 1/2 hours. But I guess I will find out later. Maybe I will get lucky and my dogs will bite him lol

Here is how I try to explain my relationship to people, which I find myself doing a lot because I've had dozens of people over the years say just leave, it's like being a severe drug addict for half your life. Also I've never been a drug addict but I've known many and watched it kill them and I watch a lot of intervention and that's pretty much what being a relationship like this is like. Its hard to say when I actually stopped loving him, I'm not 100% sure I have in the last maybe 17 years or maybe I still do I don't know. I think if I can truly get free of him I will find out that I don't at all and haven't in a very long time. It sounds crazy but if had physical beat me it would have been way easier to get away. But it's all emotional and mental and verbal abuse. And he drinks A LOT! And that has gotten worse and worse over the years. I honestly havent seen him sober at home in so long I can't remember when it was. Of course I'm not aloud to bitch about it at all because it's perfectly ok to be drunk all the time and who am I to think I'm aloud to have a problem with it. I'm totally not against drinking. If people want to celebrate things with booze have at it. But I do have an issue with somebody who is literally drunk everyday. We use to fight when the kids were little because I would through these huge birthday parties for my kids and his contribution would be to load of his cooler with beer. Id say you know this is a party for a 5 year right. I'm going to have like 25 kids here that we will be responsible for. Well needless to say that would only get me in trouble. As I say all this I can remember a 1000 other stories just like it yet here I sit youth gone, health gone, all my families help gone most or all of my kids childhoods gone all for what? My drug of choice him. I know there has always been shelters I could go to but damn it my kids have lived this nightmare right along with me and I could never bare the thought of doing that to them. And now they are teenagers with lives and friends that's just truly not an option in my mind. I also have stuff and animals. I can't walk away from everything I have or that me and the kids have. There has to be a way I can come through all of this and not lose everything we have. Its truly like a drug addict in the sense that I spend most of my time just trying not to think about my drug. I have to work every second of everyday to not text him to not think of him to make sure I don't look around for him when I leave the house. Its even crazy to me. And no way I can lay eyes on him or hear his voice! I see his truck sitting at a bar and everything in me goes wacko. I have to concentrate on so many different problems at once to keep me and kids from drowning and of course there is the whole I have cancer thing. Every emotion I have is on the verge of exploding out of me at any given second but I have to control it and get things done anything at all done that might get us through. I am truly grateful I found this place to say what I feel because I have nobody else that wants to here all this crap anymore. My family is sick of it and my kids have heard way more than they ever should have in their young lives. I changed the picture on my go fund me last night and someone rewrote my entire thing for me but it looks like it's stalled out so I just have to make the best of what has been donated on there. It will pay utilities for three weeks because I found out he always pays them a month behind. I've gotten two disconnect notices in the mail so far. So at least I can take care of those. Its more than I had 5 days ago so that's a plus for once. The rent is making me super nervous because I know that I'm going find out that's a mess. I haven't tried to find out yet because I know it's going to hit me in the head like a hammer. Its a minute by minute hour by hour day by day thing right now. I had treatment yesterday so the steroids ruin any chance I had of sleep last night and I feel super weird today but I have to suck it up and get off my ass and see it if can accomplish anything for us today. Which I'm totally clueless and have zero ideas today. Hopefully something will come to mind once I get moving around and put my hair on lol. Thanks for listening to my ramble.

well I saw an attorney today and he told me I'm totally screwed and have zero power against my ex and if I F with him he could take my kids from me.

We have been divorced since 2009 nothing that has happen or is happening now means anything at all! And the divorce agreement was nothing but paper work I filed and me getting all the debt put on me and $50 a week child support on three kids. Which he barely paid and had to continue to live with him.