Newly Diagnosed & Need Advice on Sharing Diagnosis with Family

It is a tough situation; it's kind that he doesn't want to worry them but there are other aspects to consider as well.

If you're all on pretty good terms, would they feel badly that they weren't able to offer you any emotional support, although from afar? Would they feel hurt that you didn't tell them? Will/do you feel deprived of their loving support?

What about your husband? Will this somehow fray his bonds/closeness to his family members? Will he regret not being able to let his hair down and talk things over with anyone in his family?

In order to address his concerns, perhaps you could talk about how you would frame the information for them - something along the lines of 'AnaSimone has been diagnosed with an early-stage cancer. Because she's young she will have a lot of treatment and we expect that to be very effective. The next few months won't be much fun but we will get through it together. We don't want you to worry. She's got great doctors, a good prognosis, etc. We're sorry to have to share this with you but wanted your loving support and understanding.'

Would something of that nature work?

I wish you well - I know that it can be difficult to arrive at the best way of handling such concerns and you don't need any more to deal with at this point! Good luck with your treatment.

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I think the decision is in your court and not his. That said, you need to talk to your DH and tell him what your wishes are.

I am an extremely private person and NEVER permitted the DH permission to tell anyone in his family my situation. Likewise, I only told a handful of family and friends. I know I'm unusual, but that decision served me well. I'm over 6 years away from diagnosis and there has never been repercussions with that decision. Quite frankly, it never comes up in conversation. My mother is almost 91 and is with it and I'm so relieved that she has never known my plight.

You need to follow your heart and do what is best for you!

AnaSimone, It is a hard call, but I think this is def something you need to express your concerns about, to your husband. Of course, he is not in your position and maybe if he was, he would feel differently. If you cannot figure it out, maybe a social worker at your medical facility can help, or provide you with resources, such as written material, counseling, etc., to start the discussion with his family, if that's what you want to do. With that said, you can limit the amount of information you give them. For me, my family was a huge support, and I am a very private person; but I don't have in-laws. I think if I did, I would have told them a limited amount of information. Sometimes "hiding" something is worse than letting it be known! What if they found out from another source? Good luck with your decision.

This is tough. It can feel very exposing to have everyone, even family know. For me, I chose to tell all of my family, even cousins I don't particularly like and worried about telling and my husband did tell my in laws. I do know I had to think about how people would feel if I didn't tell them--I weighed that I knew they would feel hurt because they would want the opportunity to show me some love. I didn't put their feelings above my own, but it was something I considered. People will worry when they're far away, but they can still send messages or cards or care packages that can feel very supportive! One thing that has helped me is having my husband and mom tell people (I realize in this situation your husband is the hesitant one) and they express boundaries I may have right now. Like, they let people know texts, emails, cards are OK, but she's overwhelmed and isn't up to phone calls. Or, she's feeling self conscious about this or that, and isn't ready to talk about it. It's exhausting trying to set all those parameters myself. Ultimately, it should be up to you how you would feel most supported, and hopefully you get your husband on board to make that happen.

I go with Hopeful 8201's answer...soften the sharing announcement as much as you can, but I'd let them know. If you weren't close at all with this part of your family, it would be different--and truly, it isn't about making them feel comfortable right now--but if it's going to weigh heavily on YOU for not telling them, then you should tell them. I did only allow a few close family members to call me. I did not want people calling me when I felt down or scared, asking me what the latest news was, because that 1) made me think about my fears and dx when I might not have been thinking about it previously and 2) often made me feel scared all over, since essentially I had to relive experiences and tx by explaining to them how it felt and what happened. Two friends never understood why I asked for people to respect my privacy this way and they felt hurt, I found out later, but I was okay with that.

I set up a caring bridge site-it's free (caringbridge.org) to let family and friends who lived far away send me messages of love and hope. It helped them feel like they were doing something and I could share what I CHOSE to share about my journey in this online journal/blog periodically, when I chose to share it. If his family loves you, and it sounds like they do, they need to be part of your cheerleader team. Caring bridge is a good way for them to do that.

You could put your husband in charge of maintaining it, and perhaps that would give him a way to moderate any worry he has about family and family has about you.