Completely Scary Topic: How Do We Die?

So brave, blainejennifer. Just sending our love to you

You are already strong, already graceful.

Thank you for sharing,

--Your Mods

Weel, I'll jump in here and say I think about all of this a lot. I am trying also to slowly do things I feel I should but at times feel overwhelmed. Downsizing my things, clearing up financial considerations, trying to train my DH to do the bills and other business issues, putting pictures in order. writing journals to my kids and letters to my friends (even the ones who deserted me). Then I hope I still have time to do some meaningful trips with my family. My DH is wonderful but does not want to talk about this either and sometimes I feel incredibly alone with my anxiety and thoughts.

hi Jen,

Great topic indeed. I feel it's like learning to ride a bicycle. You learn how to do it by doing it yourself. As you stated the experiences of your parents differed. .. Yours will be a totally different experience. And of course ours as well..

Death is a natural part of every creature's being. We never questioned how we were born or did we ? We have absolutely no idea how it all started, to be frank. I am talking beyond any belief system btw.. A plant, an animal, a human baby.. How does that happen??

Indeed I thought a lot about the topic, being a philosophy graduate.. And concluded it's only fantastic to experience it yourself. Like the first time you ride the bicycle without anyone else's help.

Just yesterday, we watched a Nat Geo documentary on how brain digests all the info it receives via senses and how it really concludes stuff not exactly they are. Wow I thought! So death maybe is the step to the reality..

Anyway, mental preparation comes first I believe. When you are mentally ready, your loved ones wil be as well.

I have been telling my son I came gere before him to prepare our house, his toys etc.. So he got the idea it is only realistic and natural I leave our home before him to build the next one. I am glad for the accomplishment as he is just 11.

Hope you find your answers soon,

Hugs Ebru

This is a topic we all must spend time thinking about, alone in our own worlds, and here with others. I am constantly evolving in my personal feelings about my own death, from terror to fear to acceptance to... I am also glad for this new thread, that might encourage new voices on the subject (it is often difficult to join a thread that has so many thousands of entries, perhaps this will be a slightly different take on the similar questions). I look forward to sharing thoughts here, and to hearing from so many smart and caring people. Thanks Blainejennifer, good post for sure!

50sgirl, I was going to write about something else, but I will save it for another time. Reading the story of your dad and his dream of Paris has just really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.

Lynne, Thank you for sharing that beautiful story about your dad. Not corny at all..

Bon had posted comprehensive lists of things that should be done before we die. It included a list of documents that should be gathered, a list of people who should be notified, benefits that apply to certain people such as veterans, and much, much, more. Bon had placed all her pertinent documents in a bag and hung it in the closet so it will be readily available to her husband upon her death. She wants her husband to be able to take all the necessary steps as easily as possible without having to hunt for items. I intended to print those lists and use them as guidance as I try to prepare things for my family. Unfortunately, Bon has withdrawn from these boards, and at her request, the mods deleted all her posts. I do have start my "gathering" so things can be as easy as possible for my family.

Of course, those lists would only cover the practical side of preparing our families. It is my belief that it is impossible to truly prepare someone emotionally for the loss of a loved one. We have spent our lives ensuring that we have close bonds with our family and friends. We become vital parts of their lives. We have shared joy, disappointment, loss, accomplishments, and so much more with them. Losing someone who is dear to us is very painful, and there is no escaping that. All must grieve. My hope is that my family comes together to support and comfort one another. My DH was very ill this past winter and in and out of the hospital/ICU for several months. It was painful and terrifying for me. My children, who are all adults now, were always there to help my husband and me through it. I now feel confident that they will help my DH and each other when I die. Here is my only or at least my biggest concern. I know they will be there for a while, but my sons are all married, and they will continue to receive comfort and support their wives. Who will help my DH after those first few weeks? He will be here alone. I hope that my sons will continue to help him, but I don't know.......

I have stared writing letters to my husband and my sons. I will tell my DH where they are so he can distribute them after I die. They aren't yet finished. There will be a separate, unique letter for each of them. My intention is to tell each of them how much they have enriched my life and how much they have been loved so they never doubt that. I am including a fun or funny experience I had with them, something that they did that really touched me or made me proud, and how they made my life better. I hope to live a long time, so I will need to update each of them periodically. I don't know if the letters will help them, but it will help me feel that I am giving them something that they can read anytime they want.

In the meantime, I do not dwell on dying, but I try to enjoy each day I have. When I see my children and grandchildren, I give lots of hugs, tell them I love them, and enjoy their great big smiles. I hope they all have good memories of me, but most of all I want them to be happy.

How can I make sure my DH is happy when I am gone? We have been together for so long. What can I do? That is where I feel most helpless. It troubles me because I know that if the roles were reversed, I would feel lost and devastated. He will get through it, but I don't know how to make it easier for him.

Oops,I apologize for the length of this post.

Lynne

PurpleMinion, Thank you. That will be very helpful.

This is not my own creation, it is Bon's. It is also not complete, I copied the parts I thought I would be interested in. I haven't had time to clean it up:

TOPIC: WHEN I DIE BAG

Thought this might be helpful to others...My 'when I die' bag has been hanging in our closet for several years now and my DH knows that it is all he needs to take with him to the funeral home and for handling issues for my death. The bag contains my white cotton gown to be buried in, a cross, photos want in casket with me, and a binder containing the following:

•copy of birth certificate,

•copy of social security card,

•copy of drivers license,

•copy of marriage license,

•copy of DD214 (military service),

•copy of durable power of attorney,

•copy of last will & testament,

•form from funeral home "Vital Information for Death Certificate & Transit Permit" completed except for my age to be filled in.

•form from state/county office of vital registration/records "Request for Copy of Death Certificate" completed for multiple copies and ready to mail with copies of husband & my drivers license and our marriage license stapled to (including Forever stamps on the envelope).

•form from VA.gov "VA Form 40-1330 Application for Standard Government Headstone or Marker" completed except for date of death and date for husband's signature, plus blocks 24 & 26 need to be completed by cemetery then it gets faxed to the Headstone/Marker Office at 1-800-455-7143 and to Scheduling at 1-86-900-6417 along with copy of DD214 for me and husband.

•a copy of the socialsecurity.gov 'Reporting the Death of a Beneficiary" information page where it states to call 1-800-772-1213 immediately to report death so that my SSDI stops and for one-time $255 surviving spouse benefit (the funeral home can do this as a courtesy).

•a copy of husband's union spouse's death benefit.

•My Burial Wishes signed by me (includes no autopsy, no organ donation, no funeral service, no memorial service, no obituary, no embalming, no extras, casket choice, in-casket items.

I have already made an extra copy of the above forms and highlighted what needs to still be filled in on the forms after I die.

I've already put everything and all bills in husband's name and so in addition to the above he will only need to contact automobile insurance, motor vehicle office, and bank. We don't owe anything now.

I've already given away all my possessions except my gold band of wedding ring and it will be on my finger, my clothes & shoes will be donated to Goodwill, and everything in my bathroom drawers shower will be trashed.

Could it be any easier for DH? ha!

I've said all along God really knows me, He knows how organized I am and how important it would be to me to make this as pain-free for DH as possible and for that am truly grateful.

ADDING MORE TO THE BAG / ABOVE LIST (from others' input, along with some more ideas that have come to mind that could be helpful):

•List of all banking/etc account numbers and passwords.

•Letters ready for all 3 credit bureaus to be mailed after my death so that my credit files are closed down - preventing identity theft. Letters are written and envelopes addressed and stamped but not sealed - have a post it note on each to add a photo copy of death certificate to each envelope before sealing.

•What you wish to happen to your pets. A relative or friend that is willing to take on your pet and have all of the pets papers (immunizations etc) and your notes on pets habits/likes/dislikes together in an envelope with contact information for the relative/friend.

•If having a funeral, photos of yourself with family & friends you want displayed at the funeral. Perhaps also have them scanned to a CD for online memorials. You can also make it a slide-show to your favorite music.

•If having funeral, list of your favorite music and burn a CD of those.

•If having funeral, a photo of yourself that you like the best for the funeral parlor to do your makeup and hair the way you like it.

•If having funeral, a 'how you want to be remembered' statement or a poem, etc you'd like read at your funeral.

•If choosing cremation, state where and when (you can pick a special day & time) that you would your ashes scattered. Or you can have your urn of ashes buried if you like.

•If choosing cremation, have a special urn made (penny4cats did this and will share websites about it), or you could make it yourself at a pottery place. If plan to bury the ashes, find a wooden box that fits the urn for this purpose.

•Any special friends or medical team members you want to thank, get some blank inside cards and write a note to them and have the addressed and place a forever stamp on them (so you don't have to worry about postage changes).

•If you have jewelry you want to go to certain people, give it to them now or on a special day in the near future, and tell them about the piece (who gave it to you, when, where, what it's meant to you), this is the same with anything really, give it now so that the recipient will remember that "you" gave it to them rather than you 'left' it to them.

•Don't forget your recipes - pass them on...maybe even make special recipe cards with "from the kitchen of (your name)" so that they will carry on forever.

Whatever you add to the bag, don't forget to add it to the list for your DH/loved one-in-charge (i.e., mail cards, mail letters to credit bureaus, take CD of music & photos to funeral home, etc).

****Also reposting these added items....

Someone may have already mentioned this, but just thought of it when updating a few addresses. Add this to you When I Die Bag:

•Complete list of everyone you want contacted when your gone, with their name and phone number and address. We often have friends that our family and other friends have never met. After passing, notification phone calls are made by family members or friends and having the address will help the family with thank you cards if needed. Also, if someone on your list has a name that is pronounced different then it sounds, write a note in parenthesis beside their name how to say it; i.e. Aja Jones (pronounced Asia).

•Complete email addresses for notification of your death (if you have friends that you have only ever communicated by email and never met). Put these into a word document so they can be copied & pasted into a email To line. (Or put on a USB jump drive for your bag).

•If you're going to have a USB jump drive, make an index for what items are on it and what the items are for. Print the index and place the index & the jump drive in a zip lock bag or if you do a notebook like I did, you can use a 3-ring binder pencil holder.

•You can scan in and save documents in pdf format and then save those to the jump drive, just in case anything gets misplaced there will be a electronic copy of it. Recommend using a separate jump drive for the photos and or music you want at your funeral, just so your private documents don't accidentally land on the memorial slide-show.

•Someone posted before that sending out thank you cards after funeral was too hard or never got around to it. In my small home town paper, I've seen a small business card size ad written by families to thank everyone for their prayers, flowers, cards, kindness, etc.

Your family history with all that you know...(such as maternal aunt died age 39 with breast cancer spread to lungs, paternal aunt died age 44 with uterine cancer, paternal grandmotherdied 93 after complication from fractured hip/osteoperosis and she had diabetes and HBP....)

TOPIC: CREMATION URNS & CREMATION JEWELRY & CREMATION PROCESS

EverLife has a beautiful selection of urns, all types & sizes, just click on the yellow icon "more info" under the type for pricing. Types include wood, brass, ceramic, glass, bronze, marble, sculpted, keepsake, burial & vault, themed/sports, religious:

www.everlifememorials.com/urns...

Cremation - Ashes to Ashes: The Cremation Process Explained:

www.everlifememorials.com/v/ur...

What is Cremation Jewelry for Ashes or Urn Jewelry? Simply put, a cremation jewelry pendant is designed to have a small compartment that holds the cremated ashes of a loved one. Not much of the ashes, but just a small portion equaling less than the volume of an average erasure on a pencil. The compartment is often sealed by means of a slotted screw or a plug. There are many styles and types of cremation jewelry. Cremation keepsake jewelry for ashes is available in many styles such as 14kt gold cremation jewelry, sterling silver cremation jewelry, titanium cremation jewelry, brass, pewter and bronze. The shapes and styles are limitless, but here are a few of the more popular ones:

•Heart shaped cremation jewelry

•Cremation jewelry in the shape of crosses

•Glass cremation jewelry from cremated ashes

•Laser engraved photo jewelry featuring a picture of your loved one

•Fingerprint memorial jewelry

•Cremation jewelry for pets

Ash cremation jewelry is an excellent way to memorialize your loved one.

Filling Instructions and Care for Cremated Remains Jewelry: Since the jewelry pendants are shipped directly to you, we also have included a funnel and glue with every shipment and filling instructions so you can do it yourself. We also have cleaning tips so that your jewelry will always look beautiful and presentable. Since cremation jewelry is a relatively new item in the market place it is referred to by many different names. Among the more popular terms it is called by are, cremation keepsake jewelry, cremation ashes jewelry, sympathy jewelry, cremation urn jewelry, cremation lockets, cremation jewelry for a loved one, memorial jewelry, cremation pendants, memorial pendants, personalized memorial jewelry and necklace urns.

Here's link to the couple website: www.everlifememorials.com/crem...

http://www.perfectmemorials.com/cremation-jewelry/...

TOPIC: FUNERAL & CREMATION PRICING

Most funeral homes are high for any services and way overcharge for caskets.

You can actually order your own casket from the internet if you want.

Direct cremation is approx $600 plus memorial services about $1200&up.

You can Google search "direct cremation" or "direct burial" if you want a casket in your city to find less expensive places than funeral homes.

Many of these websites provide pricing for all to see, while others require to fill out and submit. I don't fill out any online, I just look up and call to ask questions without giving my personal information.

I already have all the forms ready (except of course for date of death and place of death) and in a binder with pocketed tabs kept in my 'When I Die Bag' hanging in my closet as described in my previous topic.

NEPTUNE SOCIETY: The Neptune Society is nationwide and offers a free guide with any and everything you want to know about cremation. www.neptunesociety.com/

These may have changed. When some are looking at a $10k funeral plan, sometimes that's what they want, but others are shocked and unable to afford that or just don't want family to spend that.

The following are some prices from areas researched just to show the low costs. I was in Arizona and a couple others that were posting at the time were in Ohio and California that's why those are here, but all states are easy to look up in your area.

ARIZONA - Phoenix area:

•SIMPLE CREMATION for $550

•IMMEDIATE BURIAL for $960 (includes basic services of funeral director/staff; dressing, casketing & cosmetology; washing/disinfecting unembalmed remains; flower car/utility vehicle; and transfer of remains to the funeral home);

•TRADITIONAL BURIAL for $2295 (includes basic services of funeral director/staff; embalming; dressing, casketing & cosmetology; visitation for one 2-hour period at Funeral Home; funeral ceremony at Funeral Home; graveside service; eagle casket coach; and transfer of remains to funeral home).

There are caskets as low as $895 for a metal Batesville and offer additional memorial items like prayer cards 100 for $25 for family & friends. For total of $1880 for Immediate Burial, Batesville Casket, and Prayer Cards.

Death Certificates are $15 each ordered through Vital Statistics Office. For Veterans, National Cemetery will provide free burial plot; opening & closing of gravesite; a liner; headstone marker with inscription; interment flag; perpetual care of grave site. The flag will be presented to spouse or loved one upon burial.

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OHIO: (checked this again 2016, same)

Direct Cremation of Ohio (statewide) Complete Cremation Package is $995 which includes: Professional Services of Funeral Director and Staff; Transportation from place of Death (Anywhere in Ohio), Sheltering of the remains for the 24 hr waiting period; Alternative Cremation Container; Transportation to and from the crematory; Cremation fee from Edwards Crematory; Medical Examiners permit, if required; Placement of Cremated Remains in urn; Filing Veterans paperwork; Social Security Notification; Assistance with the filing of life insurance; Composing obituary and submitting to newspaper. This Complete Cremation package does not include a memorial service, certified copies of the death certificate, or obituary charges by some newspapers. Direct Cremation of Ohio will publish the obituary on the world-wide web at no cost. With Direct Cremation of Ohio, we take the guesswork out of the process. We provide straight answers, well-defined prices and a courteous, professional approach you can rely upon. Website: http://www.direct-cremation.com/ (I just checked this site and it is still $995 flat rate in 2016 with No membership required.)

Ohio also has Cremation Society sites that can be joined for around $25-$30. Heritage Cremation Society in Ohio has a Basic Cremation for $795 and a Celebration of Life Cremation for $1495 which would include a Chapel service. They have locations in Louisville, Westlake, Beachwood, and Independence, Ohio. Other interesting and useful information about Ohio funerals: www.us-funerals.com/funeral-ar...

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CALIFORNIA - Sacramento area: (checked this again 2016, same)

lowestcostcremation.com/cremat... starts at $515

www.blueoakscbs.com/ here's directly from Blue Oaks website under Cremation Packages:

Direct Cremation-------------------$670.00 This charge includes the transfer of the decedent into our care, basic services of the staff, refrigeration, local transportation to the crematory, the crematory fee, minimum alternative container, temporary urn, necessary permits and authorizations. This fee does not include government fees (Permit and Certified Death Certificates) viewing, any rites and ceremonies, or any merchandise not specifically listed.

Direct Cremation With Memorial Service-------------------------------$920.00 At Your Church Or Other Facility. This charge includes the same as Direct Cremation with the addition of our services which include coordinating the memorial service, supervision of ceremony, staff coordination of the ceremony and set up.

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FLORIDA - Tampa & St Petersburg area:

www.floridadirectcremation.com... ...cost $525

compasspointecremationservices... ...cost $695

affinitycremation.com/ ...cost $845

TOPIC: COMMUNITY PROPERTY & COMMON LAW STATES

In the USA it matters whether you live in a Community Property State -or- a Common Law Property State.

The 9 community property states are: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.

"Right of survivorship" - this is what protects a spouse from being kicked out of their home after the death of the other.

The following is a copy/paste directly from the website FindLaw.com and it's easy understanding of the differences: (see link to website below)

Who owns what property in a marriage, after divorce, or after a spouse's death depends on whether the couple lives in a common law property state or a community property state. During marriage, these classifications may seem trivial, but in the unfortunate events of divorce or death, these details become very important.

Common Law Property States

Most states are common law property states. So, what does it mean to live in a common law property state? The term "common law" is simply a term used to determine the ownership of marital property (property acquired during marriage). The common law system provides that property acquired by one member of a married couple is owned completely and solely by that person. Of course, if the title or deed to a piece of property is put in the names of both spouses, however, then that property would belong to both spouses. If both spouses' names are on the title, each owns a one-half interest.

Example: If Wife buys a car and puts it only in her name, that car belongs to only Wife. If Wife buys a car and puts it in her name and Husband's name, then the car belongs to both of them.

Property distribution upon death or separation: When one spouse passes away, his or her separate property is distributed according to his or her will, or according to probate, without a will. The distribution of the marital property depends on how the spouses share ownership. If they own property in "joint tenancy with the right of survivorship" or "tenancy by the entirety", the property goes to the surviving spouse. This right is independent of what the deceased spouse's will says. However, if the property was owned as "tenancy in common", then the property can go to someone other than the surviving spouse, per the deceased spouse's will. Not all property has a title or deed. In this case, generally, whoever paid for the property or received it as a gift owns it.

If the couple divorces or obtains a legal separation, the court will decide how the marital property will be divided. Of course, the couple can enter into an agreement before the marriage, explaining how to distribute the marital property upon divorce.

Community Property States

The states having community property are Louisiana, Arizona, California, Texas, Washington, Idaho, Nevada, New Mexico, and Wisconsin. Community property states follow the rule that all assets acquired during the marriage are considered "community property". Marital property in community property states are owned by both spouses equally (50/50). This marital property includes earnings, all property bought with those earnings, and all debts, accrued during the marriage. Community property begins at the marriage and ends when the couple physically separates with the intention of not continuing the marriage. So, any earnings or debts originating after this time will be separate property.

Any assets acquired before the marriage are considered separate property, and are owned only by that original owner. A spouse can, however, transfer the title of any of his or her separate property to the other spouse (gift) or to the community property (making a spouse an account holder on bank account). Spouses can also comingle their separate property with community property, for example, by adding funds from before the marriage to the community property funds.

Spouses may not transfer, alter, or eliminate any whole piece of community property without the other spouse's permission. A spouse can manage his or her own half the way he wishes, but the whole piece includes the other spouse's one half interest. In other words, that spouse cannot be alienated from his or her one half.

Separate property includes

•Property owned by just one spouse before the marriage

•Property given to just one spouse before or during the marriage

•Property inherited by just one spouse

Community property includes

•Money either spouse earned during the marriage

•Things bought with money either spouse earned during the marriage

•Separate property that has become so mixed with community property that it can't be identified

Example: Wife and Husband have been married for ten years. Wife works as a successful doctor and uses her earnings to buy a car. That car is community property, and both Husband and Wife own the car equally.

Example: Husband owns a valuable piece of antique furniture that he acquired before the marriage. Husband alone owns the antique as his separate property. The antique is not community property, because it was acquired before the marriage. If Husband wants to give his wife a one half interest in the antique, he may; then, the antique would be part of the community property.

Property distribution upon death or separation: When one spouse passes away, his or her half of the community property passes to the surviving spouse. Their separate property can be devised to whomever they wish according to their will, or via probate without a will. Many community property states offer an interest called "community property with the right of survivorship". Under this doctrine, if a couple holds title or deed to a piece of property, usually a home, then upon a spouse's death, title passes automatically to the surviving spouse, avoiding court proceedings.

If the couple divorces or obtains a legal separation, all of the community property is divided evenly (50/50). The separate property of each spouse is distributed to the spouse who owns it and is not divided according to the 50/50 rule. Sometimes, economic circumstances warrant awarding certain assets wholly to one spouse, but each spouse still ends up with 50% of all community property in terms of total economic value. This is most common regarding marital homes. Since it is not feasible to divide a house in half, often the court will award one spouse the house, and the other spouse receives other assets that's value is equal to half the value of the home.

Before the marriage, the couple may enter into an agreement that lays out how the marital property should be divided upon divorce.

Exceptions to the equal division rule:

•One spouse misappropriates the community property, whether before or during a pending divorce.

•One spouse has incurred educational debts. This is the same as separately incurred debt. On divorce, the spouse takes his or her GSL loans with him or her.

•One spouse incurred tort liability NOT based on activity for the benefit of the marital community.

•A personal injury award is community property during the marriage, but on divorce is awarded to the injured spouse.

•"Negative community" refers to a situation where the community liabilities and debts exceed the available assets to pay the liabilities and debts. Here, the relative ability of spouses to pay the debt is considered. The interest here is to protect creditors.

http://family.findlaw.com/marriage/what-s-mine-is-mine-what-s-yours-is-mine-who-owns-what-in.html

Another website with easy-understandable language on this same topic is:

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-property-ownership-who-owns-what-29841.html

bco sister since 2008, rejoined 2012.

Dx 3/15/2008, IBC, 6cm+, Stage IV, Grade 3, 4/18 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-

Bon_

USA

Joined: Feb 2012

Posts: 3,940

Post a reply

Mar 27, 2016 08:30PM Bon_ wrote:

TOPIC: HOSPICE - WHO / WHAT / WHEN / WHERE

Here is some info from the website of the hospice I happened upon the day I made a turn off to take a phone call and there it was...Hospice of the Valley in Arizona (see their link below):

Hospice is a philosophy of care that focuses on maintaining the dignity and comfort of the patient and supporting the family. Most Hospice of the Valley patients are served in their own homes. Some are cared for in group homes, assisted living or skilled nursing facilities. Hospice inpatient units also are available for patients whose symptoms can't be managed at home.

It is appropriate to discuss all care options, including hospice, at any time during a life-limiting illness. The decision belongs to the patient. Hospice of the Valley staff members are available to help with the discussion. View "When is it Time."

The patient and family should feel free to discuss hospice care at any time with their physician, other healthcare professionals, clergy and friends. If your physician is not familiar with hospice, invite him or her to call us or ask us to contact your physician.

Hospice of the Valley functions as an extension of, not in place of, the patient's attending physician. The agency also has medical directors available Valleywide to help patients who have no physician or need physician home visits.

If the patient's condition improves, the patient can be discharged from hospice and return to getting regular treatment. If a discharged patient elects to return later to hospice care, that's also ok. Medicare allows people to go on and off hospice as needed.

Hospice of the Valley does nothing to speed up or slow down the dying process. Just as doctors and midwives lend support and expertise during the time of childbirth, so hospice provides its presence and specialized knowledge during the natural dying process.

Hospice care is for people with a life-limiting illness who want comfort care rather than curative treatment. A physician must certify that the person's life expectancy is six months or less, but that time frame is flexible. Services can be extended beyond six months. Some people go on and off hospice care as their conditions change. Some people "graduate" from hospice because they get better.

It is time to consider hospice care when one or more of these circumstances apply: loss of function or physical decline; increase in hospitalizations; dependence in most activities of daily living; multiple diseases or conditions; increase in emergency room visits, and continuing weight loss.

In addition, each disease has its own criteria indicating hospice eligibility. For example, dementia or Alzheimer's disease is a terminal illness that can run its course over a decade. Hospice eligibility occurs when the person with dementia exhibits one or more of the following: unable to walk without assistance, incontinence, speech limited to a few words, difficulty swallowing or eating, and continuing weight loss.

Anyone can contact Hospice for help to decide whether hospice care is appropriate.

TOPIC: WAKE / VIEWING & OBITUARIES

Funerals are setup with various ways of having services for viewing.

This topic is just going to be a casual how it is for my family and then to make ya'll laugh when you get the obituaries. Still food-for-thought and to help you to consider how yours will be or how you want it to be, declare your wishes.

In the south we call the viewing "Wake" the day or night before the burial usually. Then the day of burial there is a funeral service with the minister, speeches, and music with one last pass by the casket by all, before we go outside and wait by the hearse.

If the cemetery is behind the funeral home, we all walk out there to the grave site -or- if cemetery is elsewhere, we get in our cars and get in line for the funeral procession to cemetery.

At the Wake, there is no receiving line but the front row of seats/pews or a boxed area are set up for just the family near the casket for when they want to be sitting there. They are the last to walk in view before going outside.

Our Wakes always seemed to me like a social gathering, there are tears from time to time but mostly just family & friends talking about what happened and then catching up on things. See people you haven't seen in forever and a day. We wonder around and talk to everybody and always go look at the flower arrangements and read the cards.

I usually wait til end of day and the burial day to view the body, that's just my thing.

Finger food and drinks in the funeral home kitchen is always there and when someone brings in a plate, we all notice and they get extra hugs from everyone there.

Our Wake usually only last 2-4 hours but I've seen them last all day.

Unlike burial day, not all dress in black for the Wake, some do but most don't.

People come in and out throughout the time period of the Wake.

The day of burial not near as many people show up as they do to the Wake and everybody's wearing black, the mood is total opposite than the Wake everybody is somber because this is it, it's the end, goodbye.

After the burial, we head to one's house and food shows up all day from family & friends dropping by and slowly the mood falls somewhere between how it was at the Wake and somber. No one wants to be the first to leave, I think we're all wishing we could always be together.

When planning one's funeral, think about what its like, is it what "you" want, is it worth the expense of it, etc. Remember the funeral homes make more the more hours it is. I've sat through with a friend that their family was talked into to getting the 8-hour Wake two days in a row and it was exhausting for them.

Photo boards on an easel are popular at Wakes. You can have one the family prepared for the wake and another for friends to bring in a photo of them with the deceased. I like the friends ones because it changes through the day, some bring and copy and leave it and others leave it up while they are there and then take it home with them.

If you're going to have a viewing, open casket, keep in your 'When I Die Bag' a photo of yourself where you makeup and hair are the way you like it best and for your loved one to give the funeral home for prepping your body....and just in case bald at the time, your favorite wig or wig & scarf.

OBITUARIES:

I recommend everybody write their own ahead of time or with someone so they know who you want to mention.

Many newspapers post a simple obituary free, but personal written obituaries cost.

A lot of funeral homes offer free obituary on their websites with ability for friends & family to post condolences. Or charge a fee for a memorial page with photos and music.

Here comes my southern humor and just something I posted before and funny to me, but it's still food-for-thought when planning:

In my hometown, families want to all have 'their' names mentioned in the obit and oh my goodness, don't leave out one and mention another, you won't hear the end of it and then they do tit for tat and next obit, the one left out leaves out the one that left them out, ha ha! It's hilarious really. That's why I recommend write your own. I don't want an obit at all and it's in my wishes. I remember my mom said she wanted to write mine...uh, no thanks, it'll start a war with leaving out names.ha! It's too late, if it doesn't make to the original don't bother trying to fix it they still won't forget, ha ha.

Also the photo boards that are put up at the wake, make sure not to forget photos of all...one time at the wake it became so upsetting to some family members that their pictures weren't there that they went and made their own board, bigger with more pics and brought it in and set it in front of the other one...this is cracking me up to even write this now, because when it happened I'm looking and thinking 'really' and it's hard not to chuckle about it thinking back, but they are so serious and I'm just so glad not to be involved in it.

TOPIC: DWD - DEATH WITH DIGNITY

PLEASE VERIFY ALL - this is not medical or legal advise.

Did some research on DWD "Death with Dignity" in Oregon (which appears to also be available in Washington and Vermont and similar in Montana with physician assist)

This year 2016, California may go in effect according to some websites.

DWD rules, Patient must:

•be 18 years or older.

•make oral/verbal request twice, with a 15 days separation in between requests.

•make written request to their Physician and with two witnesses.

•be within 6 months of expected end of life - confirmed by Physician with diagnosis and prognosis (terminally ill 6mos or less).

•be in full decision making capacity for their own affairs. No family member can request this for patient. If doctors feel patient's judgment is impaired, patient will be referred for psychiatric evaluation first.

•be provided with understanding of alternatives (hospice, pain control, comfort care) by their Physician.

•notify their next of kin.

•be a resident of the state proven with driver license, tax return, voter registration, (can't just go there to do it, but you can move there and then do it after prove resident but there is no 'minimum' time of residency)

•be able to self-administer DWD drug.

•not be in a hospital, nursing care or hospice type facility.

The lethal medication (oral dosage of barbiturate) will then be prescribed to patient to be taken by patient when patient is ready.

Doctor must be MD or DO and "practicing the Act" (some don't such as Catholic Health and Veterans/VA). If patients doctor does not practice the Act, patient may find another doctor that does. Out-of-state doctors may not prescribe.

Doctor is not allowed to administer directly to patient and is not required to be present when patient does take it. Doctor will only be present if it is the patient's wish.

DWD does not constitute suicide, mercy killing or homicide under the law.

DWD does not effect your life insurance, health insurance, accident insurance or annuity.

The cost for DWD rx is not set by law. Oregon medicaid (which is mostly funded by federal) can only use state funds to pay for DWD drug. Some private insurance may cover it.

AGAIN, PLEASE VERIFY ALL - this is just what I found and is not medical or legal advise - do not make decision based on this post.

In rereading the OP, I think I have a better understanding of what Blainejennifer is asking. Unfortunately I got to see first hand how my friend Susan was dying of colon cancer. She became increasingly in pain & eventually had to start taking heavy duty opiods to control the pain, this is when she gave up driving & this was one of the hardest things for her. She lived alone & became completely dependent on people for the first time as she knew she should not get behind the wheel even to go down to the drug or grocery store.

About 3 months before she passed, she started to become more & more tired. She would get up in the morning & have a tiny breakfast & then head back to bed for a nap. Get up around 11am, do a couple of things, eat lunch & then a nap. Get up around 2, do a couple of things, dinner & then back to bed around 7pm. The hospice nurse told her this would be the way it would happen, that as the end was nearing she would get more & more tired. She started to have more break out pain & would have to take extra meds. About a month before she passed, her muscles gave out & she couldn't climb the stairs, even 2 small stairs from the carport into the house. Her sister locked herself out of the house one day & Susan was unable to get up from the dining room to unlock the kitchen door. She sat there for an hour before someone else came by.

So all this to say, I think what happened in her case was her body just started to shut down. It was painful to watch the process, but she was very accepting that this was the way it was. At some points she was comforting us more than we were of her & I felt bad about that, but she understood that it's hard for those who love you to see you like this.

sorry if this isn't what you were asking... GG

I should mention that my friend Susan was only 59 when she passed, in case anyone thought she was elderly and that's why she couldn't get up. She was quite strong, with us going out shopping or for lunch until about 3 months prior to her passing. But once she started to go downhill it seemed very quick.

I too worry about a lingering death... Thankfully Canada has now passed the assisted suicide legislation. Not mentioning this to start anything, it just soothes my mind that should I perhaps want it it would be there for me

Sue, thanks for sharing your experience, very insightful, and condolences on the loss of your friend

Sue, Thanks for sharing that story. Interesting that she was envious that you had time and you were envious that hers was quick. Guess it is like having straight or curly hair, you aren't happy with what you get, lol. It is what it is and I think most learn to accept what they are given. I did have the experience of being with my Dad during his final days. Hospice was involved. My experience was not a positive one. So maybe it has to do with location of services.

This is an informative post. Thanks to all for sharing.

I am not mentally ready to deal with this yet (still feeling some denial, shock, anger even though I was diagnosed at the end of 2014.) However, I don't want to miss the boat and want to sort things out before it is too late. I have been good about the travel and life experiences. Just haven't started sorting out the paperwork. I have ensured my beneficiaries on all my various assets/benefits/insurance policies are in order. And have a plan for my bank accounts when things go south - to transfer everything into joint accounts with DH. I want to do a will at some point but feel like my DH couldn't handle doing it with me on the one hand, but would feel hurt if I went out and did it on my own on the other hand. I have a tough time with unloading my physical belongings at this stage. I am in my 30s, in my first owned home, with a baby, creating a family life of my own and rituals. It is hard to consider getting rid of belongings during this "growth" phase of life. That begin said, I have moved around a lot over the years for school, work, etc. and have always lived in an apartment or condo, which means I haven't had the luxury of accumulating a lot of extra things. Oddly, I have been on a jewelry binge, going out and buying the jewelry now that I wanted in the future and planned to wait and save until I felt justified in the spending the money, since I may only have a few years left to enjoy it. Sometimes I feel weird about that - buying nice things that I may not own for too long - but at least I am living the way I want to live while I am here.

Kandy, you hit the nail on the head in your experience in the medical field. I fear people waiting for me to die and feeling relieved afterwards. I think, to some extent, that is unavoidable even in the best of scenarios where our families truly love us and want us to live. It is hard to be a caretaker and to go through this with someone. However, I wish it weren't the case. This is part of the reason I share my mets dx with very few people and push to live a "normal" life while I still can. I don't want to be written off and have people stop investing in me now and I want to minimize the fatigue on my family if at all possible. Whereas some people want to live like they are dying tomorrow while they are here, I want to live like I am never going to die