Any regrets?

No regrets. I had a bi. I had large breasts so prefer being flat than being uneven. I will have reconstruction next summer and like the idea of being even than trying to match.

Recovery wasn't that bad. I was driving at 6 days post-op. Still making kids' lunches at 5 days post-op. Bathing toddler at 4 days post-op. Life of a mom doesn't take much breaks.

Drains were annoying. I just pinned them to my shirts, so no special shirts. Button-up jammies, but still wore t-shirts during the day. For showering, I just pinned them on them a lanyard. One drain came out at 8 days post-op. The other one came out at 15 days post-op.

Hi Kluga5, I was a uni for a few years. I had a DIEP procedure and even though there were "touch ups" I'm happy with the results. I did have yearly mammograms on the healthy breast but after a few years of follow-up testings (ultra-sounds and MRI's) I just couldn't take the stress anymore. So I made an appointment with my PS and I was a candidate for a one-step reconstruction. It is a very difficult decision, and one you can only make.

Just food for thought - Is symmetry an issue for you? Because sometimes it's hard to match up your natural breast.

What are your surgery options?

Good luck!

I was a size DD before my BMX. I chose to have both breasts removed for several reasons. One being difficult screening due to dense breasts. Another for symmetry since I was so big. Obviously I wish I didn't have either removed but glad if I had to do one that I did the other. A very personal decision of course. Good luck and keep us posted....

Kluga5 -

I officially lost it too. Seriously, you are are not insane and you are not alone. It's a brutally tough decision. I went in around and around in circles until I thought I was losing my mind, at which point I went running to a psychiatrist.

I had bilateral breast cancer and was in a position where I could have done a number of things. Radiation and/or mastectomy with or without recon, or removal of one breast that had the largest tumour. I couldn't imagine myself with anything but my actual breasts - I was extremely attached to them. I polled all my friends and asked what I should do, and had multiple visits with my own surgeon, and sought second opinions from doctors who were not my own. I was so f*cking confused. I could have had radiation and had the whole thing done with. Or I could have had implants. I'd make up my mind to do one thing, and wake up at 3 am covered in sweat, thinking I'd made the wrong decision.

I asked to see a hospital psychiatrist because my anxiety was permeating every area of my life and I couldn't move ahead. This was three years ago, just before my bilateral mastectomy with immediate DEIP recon. The psychiatrist and I made a list of all the things that were important to me. Obviously I couldn't have everything I wanted. My wish list was unrealistic - I wanted to keep my breasts, but I did not want radiation, or any foreign substances in my body and I did not want surgery, and I wanted a guarantee that cancer would never ever return. So we made a list to find out what really mattered. So, what I wanted was to feel as though nothing had changed. I needed breasts. And, I needed symmetry. It was really important to me that whatever I had went together as a pair. (As my PS told me, they'd always be sisters, not twins). And I needed to know that, at the end of the day, I'd done everything I could to do minimize the possibility of a recurrence.

Could I handle saying good-bye to my breasts? That was a tough one, because I loved them. I really did. But I had mentally let them go and appreciate the fact that I would still have the skin envelope, and that they were essentially the same except for the tissue inside that had tried to kill me. For weeks before the surgery I cried in the shower, and then I started talking to myself. I know this might sound nuts, but I had to do it. I thanked my boobs for 50 spectacular years and told them I had to move forward with the second half of my life.

Could I handle a long surgery and and even longer recovery? I honestly didn't think I had the courage to inflict this on myself. I am terrified of surgery. So a friend of mind turned me on to a download 'Guided Meditation for a successful surgery' that I started listening to a month prior to surgery. And, it worked for me. It helped me look at that things differently. I won't get into it because that would take hours - but I went from being fearful and tearful, to almost embracing the day when I could hop up on the operating table.

I was even revolted by the thought of losing my nipples and having to rebuild but I had to make peace with that too. My PS is a lovely man with unlimited patience and he really helped. But what also really helped was when someone referred to it as a 'frontal realignment' rather than a mastectomy. Silly maybe, but it demystified the process for me. Plus, its kind of funny.

When I woke up from my surgery I felt like the weight of the world had fallen off my shoulders. I was drugged up, and lying in bed, and my new boobs and my stomach were bandages but I was comfortable, and my mind was finally relaxed. My 3 month recovery was a piece of cake compared to the decision making process - which incidentally, was longer than my recovery. The decision making was the absolute worst part of cancer, for me. I even had a few niggling doubts as I drove to the hospital! But once I was done - I was done. My mind could finally rest.

After my surgery I never doubted my decision. Not for one second. I had lots of moments where I missed my breasts so much that I ached, but I didn't want them back. For weeks I couldn't look in the mirror, or see my nippleless self, but that was okay too. I knew it would be a huge adjustment. The drains ( I had 4) SUCKED, but I already new they'd be a huge inconvenience. I probably cried a bit about that too but I can't remember. I 've cried a lot in the last four years and I've had a few meltdowns, but nothing was worse than having to decide whether or not to lose one breasts, no breasts, or two.

I have absolutely no regrets. I had new nipples reconstructed a year after surgery and they look great. I don't have much sensitivity and I've gotten used to it. I have to think really hard to remember what it used to be like. Even more recently I had my areolas tattood and that was really fun - it was so nice to see my boobs looking pretty again.

All my rambling is just me telling you that the decision making part is damn hard, and it can also be equally hard to recognize what are you priorities. When I made my decision I was never even 100% confident - it was more like 85%. I mean, how do you ever really know? There were days where I really didn't think I could go through with it, but I had a lot of faith in my doctors. Sometimes I would ask myself how my 75-year old self would advise me. Had I done the right thing? Could I travel a long road? Had I added enough courage to my fear? Could I live with new and improved boobs? For me, the answer was yes.

Whatever you decide will be totally personal. Every situation is unique and you have to do what is right for you. (I got SO sick of people telling me that, but he way). I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, you are NOT insane, and you are certainly not pathetic.

I wish you well in your decision making. Vent, talk, get information. And here's a quote from my 84 year old mom that always makes me feel a little less crazy 'There is no wrong decision. It's just a different adventure'.

Good luck,

Janet

Kluga5 - You're welcome. Did you say 'bilateral it is?' Decision made? If so - then congratulations! If not - that's okay too - just keep listening to your own voice.

I can't give you any advice on your little ones - unless you count my experience with living with a basset hound, boyfriend, and cat. But having your parents to take care of you sounds great. And if any of your friends or family offer to babysit or cook - say yes.Why not? Let someone else do the meals. My recovery was lengthy because I had the DIEP surgery. But even then - everything was manageable. The drains were annoying, but they certainly weren't the worst thing to ever happen.

By the way - I think you moms are amazing.