Emotions a few months later

Hi Jennvo, you are not alone with the feelings you are experiencing... I had many a rough night (and day!) from 3 months 'til 2 years later.. now it wasn't always that low but there was an eb and flow about the grief - it's a loss and it's a loss that we are not adequately prepared for and I believe that is why it can take so long to heal.. There really needs to be more prep for someone considering such a huge loss - I did seek help from a "support group" but honestly that just wasn't worth the effort - with DCIS well let's just say that I wasn't thought of the same as other "survivors" (this site though was a wonderful relief for me!).. however I finally did get some relief when I went into therapy and really allowed myself to speak about the loss with myself and that was when I allowed the fear and grief to settle out and I stepped back from it!! I hope you get some relief and soon! Do yourself a blessing though and find a therapist that can help you work this through!!! My warmest thoughts are with you!!!

Wow - if your therapist wasn't able to be supportive well honestly - get another therapist!!! No my therapist did not have experience or I should say specialty in the area of cancer - but their role is to HELP you through anything you might be going through! The "sad clown" face reminds me of how many times I heard my male doc's (and I had several when everything was said and done) said "yes... this is what I would recommend for my own wife" - their doc's - their job is to get the cancer out, make sure they have done everything to make sure it doesn't come back and perhaps, if you have a reconstructive doc to make you feel as close to normal in appearance as you did before the surgeries!!! That said really none of them have the task of making sure your personal mental well being is taken care of ! I would keep trying the therapists until you did get someone who was supportive!!!

We are rushed through these decisions so quickly I have always wondered why a therapist isn't included with the expert teams... I am really sorry - it is a loss and you need to grieve it anyone (doc's or otherwise} suggests you should buck up and get through it just hasn't experienced anything like it themselves!!!

Deirdre

me too! Right before my first follow up mammo I was a mess. Then it got better until before my MO follow up and it got bad again. I hope it dies down with time.

medical oncologist follow up. Every time I have anything related to my DCIS I start to get nervous a week or two before. I saw him yesterday now I'm in a happy place again. I'll start worrying again in June, I'm sure.

I am just about done with radiation. I have been wondering when will things be normal again. I get totally about the DCIS doesn't really count as cancer thing. It's "only" DCIS. Yes, I am grateful that it wasn't invasive but that really doesn't change the fact of what I am dealing with at the moment. My husband and some of my friends think that once the radiation is done, everything will be back to normal. While relieved that my "active" treatment will be done, I don't see my future as anything normal. I am going to a cancer support group next week. They offer support groups, individual therapy, and wellness activities such as yoga, tai chi, cooking, art, etc. I was wondering if they will think I "only" have DCIS too....

I wasn't DCIS, but I'll chime in on how long it's taken to feel more normal again. For me, I didn't start to feel like myself until about 4 months after rads. I was at the breast cancer 5k that my mom and sister and I have been doing for years. Mom, by the way, is the runner; my sister and I walk. Anyway, it was the first time I was there as a surviver, and I cried in front of everyone. (Crap, I'm crying now, remembering.)

Anyway, I started feeling a lot better mentally after that. Life is here to be lived, so I'm trying not to dwell on dark thoughts. That said, a little constructive wallowing is not a bad thing from time to time. Which is why I popped back in to check the boards for the first time in ages.

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Lisa

I'm on an antidepressant (was on before dx) and it has really helped me get through this!!

I second the exercise suggestion -- it helps me with anxiety and moodiness and I feel better knowing I am actively reducing my recurrence risk (on average, statistically speaking).

Oh no, so sorry, my hugely loved 15 year old spaniel had to be put down a few months after I was diagnosed, I have a special Bush I have in every garden I live in now........my memory Bush for him.............

barred owl-you are right...I am looking for that elusive piece that will let me figure everything out. I keep trying to work the numbers in my favor...which I guess in reality they already are. I am so not a gambler or risk taker in my life. Believe it or not, I am generally quite logical about things. I am generally a realist, not overly pessimistic or optimistic. I like the illusion of control. This has turned me into a nutcase on the verge of a nervous breakdown....

I did speak to my Nurse Navigator and she gave me some contacts for some one on one therapy. I also am not thrilled with my MO. So they are going to set up an appt with a different one. Not sure just what purpose they serve since I am not on any hormone treatment. But maybe they can answer some of my crazy questions....and coordinate follow up care. And in my nutcase mind I figure I want a good relationship with an MO for my recurrence....

My dog rallied a little bit tonight but I am not expecting a miracle. Maybe just a little time to say good bye....and give some extra love. I like the memory bush idea a lot....

Jennvo-and that is why I am having a mental breakdown about recurrence!

Part of me wants to keep up with everything but I do believe it is making me nuts. The other part says worrying won't stop it from recurring, it just takes away from enjoying life, so I should stop thinking about it! But it is hard to stop creating awful scenarios in my mind. But I am going to follow up with some therapy and will see if I can get some meds..... I want my life to be about more than my left boob.

Jennvo & Kkubsky: When I just read your posts I thought you were writing about me a year ago. I too worried excessively about recurrence to the point of actually having an emotional crisis. Everyone of us with DCIS has some factor to cause extra worry. Very few have a simple small spot of DCIS, low grade and very clear margins. But we are all so fortunate to not have invasive bc yet. We are given an opportunity to move on and never face this disease again. If we allow ourselves to do that. It is not the disease, but our minds and thoughts that prevent us from moving on. I tried so hard to control my health and given the fact that I had a focal point of positive margin even following a mx, thus the radiation, that I drove myself crazy literally. I lost weight, exercised daily, ate very healthy, cut out the wine, etc. And then one morning I woke up and could not stop crying or get out of bed. This has never happened to me. After an antidepressant, psychiatrist that deals with cancer patients and several months, I recovered. I see how I was trying to control something that I could not control. I now accept that and have adopted a much more balanced life. I realize that my innocence has been taken away and I will never approach my health or health appts. the same, but I do not want to waste the likelihood that cancer will never be part of my life again by making it a daily worry. The odds are greatly in our favour regardless of our personal risk factors. I am back drinking wine modestly and returning to the person I was. I am back laughing and forgetting about the little likelihood of a recurrence given everything else that could happen to me in the meantime. Counseling does help, as do Rx. But your state of mind and thoughts have the greatest impact of all. I hope your journey never becomes as difficult as mine was. Good luck to the two of you.

That is just what I needed to hear! I am guilty of trying to control what I cannot. I keep trying to understand that which is not possible to understand. I suppose I am looking for guarantees that I will never have to deal with this again. Although I know there are much worse things people deal with.

My friends and family are afraid I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I have names of some therapists that perhaps I will call. I'll see how I feel on Monday. Maybe now that I no longer have to "baby" my boob, I can just get back to my new normal. I have felt like a slob these past few months. Never thought I would miss my underwire bra so much!! And to be able to lay on my stomach and not have to worry about hurting my boob. No more special creams, back to wearing deodorant, back to regular shirts without irritation or itchiness. And thanks to better eating I am finally losing the weight I have been wanting to for so long. It really is time to move on.

Kkubsky, I'm so sorry for your Newfie. That is such a tough decision...

I hope you are able to move on from the cancer. Mine was also er-/pr- (they didn't test my HER) comedo necrosis grade 3...not to mention Paget's, which is extremely rare. So I could be triple neg for all i know. My BS quit the practice right before my 6 mo followup...so I made an appt with an oncologist. He pretty much said I was cured. It's hard to not focus on that small recurrence risk...but, MO said I have more chance of getting something else than breast cancer again.

We are sooooo very lucky. Well, not that we got cancer...but that we have found it so early and treatable. My allergy nurse has stage IV. She says she has about 2 years to live...but she appreciates every moment with her children and husband. Her outlook is so amazing. She takes nothing for granted and enjoys her life. We will all die someday, and no one knows exactly when. Shouldn't we strive to live it the best way we can? You got grazed by a bullet...but you weren't hit. This is a wake-up call to live your life! Hug your loved ones, be kind to your neighbors...enjoy and appreciate the life that you have :-)