Do I Tell?

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percy4
percy4 Member Posts: 477
edited April 2016 in Singles With Breast Cancer

I had DCIS,but the microinvasion made it a tad more serious.  My breast was left looking great; in 6 mo., you won't even see it.  I'm 57.  The chances of recurrence for me are VERY small.  Thank God, right now, though I worry.  I can't just be as carefree as I was before, even though I get that there is an 85%, or 90%, chance I will never see this again.  We all know there is a chance.  Dating, even before, had becone hard.  In one's 50's (and I am good-looking and smart, kind, funny, ALL; just saying), most everyone is already taken.  Save the discards. Every man nearby seems to be  married, in my age-group, or they are the not-so-good leftovers.  So.  I am at at 4-timess-higher chance of getting another BC, as opposed to a woman who hasn't had this.  At what point (before or after bed; that's the point WE think about) do I tell a prospective mate that I have this concern?  Please.  Let me know.  If it was you.  What's fair?  I, for instance, would like to know fairly early, if someone I was dating had had a prostate cancer.  Let's be in reality, and not where we  would like to be, ideally.  I don't want someone I have to worry about so much, unless it's my soul-partner for lfie.  I've had too many worries, already.   So, why wouldn't a a man feel the same way?

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  • inkster
    inkster Member Posts: 93
    edited April 2016

    Even though this post is old and the original content deleted, I'm gonna reply. Cuz I'm like that. ;)

    I joined Match.com and was asked by a couple guys to add my picture. Problem is, I look nothing like I did before treatment. I did manage to keep most of my breast, but I went from long, barely wavy hair to super short, super curly hair and glasses. So, I added one from my pre-cancer life (assuming I will look more like that someday), one during (I was looking especially cute in the hat), and one of me in my fun blue wig going to a 5K. All interest appears to have stopped. Total crickets. Now I'm torn: do I go back, remove all references/images of what I went through last year, wait a couple more months for my hair to grow out more, and then add a pic? Would I want to be with someone who is that freaked out by cancer anyway? For better or worse, it is a part of my past, present, and future (until they find a cure, that is).

    Anyone else tried the online dating game? How did you handle this? Advice?

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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited April 2016

    Just use a current picture. No need to show before/after, etc. There are people who have very curly short hair when there is no cancer involved.

    You're not asking for a full medical history from them for a first date. No reason you should present anything about your cancer on Match.com.

    When your "look" changes, just update.

    HTH,

    LisaAlissa


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  • grateful99
    grateful99 Member Posts: 187
    edited April 2016

    I agree with AlisaLissa - post your most recent photos (one of head and shoulders and one of full body). I also think that two or three dates is too early to exchange health or any other intimate information - many people disappear after two or three dates, it's normal in online dating. Also, if you're concerned about getting physically involved with someone new, start with friendship or casual dating - we all need a social life.

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