A hell of an emotional roller coaster

micha · November 2006

Hello,
This is my first time ever posting on any type of site. I thank all of you for sharing your stories, it has given me hope that my mother will live a happy life and that sadly there are hundreds of people going through this awfullness with courage and a soul filled with strength.
I am posting as I feel the that this is a great outlet to share ones feelings, in addition to not being judged.
I found out that my mom had BC on a tram on my way to Uni. I currently reside in Australia, but am from Canada. The day that I found out my mom had stage IV breast cancer, my dreams ended and my life went from fabulous to hell. She was told it was stage 0, then in two weeks it went to stage 2 then to stage IV with a life expectency of 2 years. All of this happened while I was thousands of miles from home. Not a day went by where I didn't call or thought of her. I woke up thinking of her and went to bed praying that she would live. It is by far the worst thing that I have ever been through, it occupies my days and nights, I really really hate cancer!!
Presently I have finished my degree, I stayed here to finish it, but took time off uni to go back home and take care of mom during chemo. That was tough, as no one really informs you what are walking into. There is no guide to life with cancer, and this has been my first time dealing with cancer. I felt angry that I was thrown into this situation with no help, no relief, it was just cancer, cancer and more cancer! And the nights were the worst as my mom would fear going to bed that she wouldn't wake up. That was the toughest part. My mom very rarely cries and hearing her cry every night for 6 weeks was not the soothing lullaby one dreams of falling asleep too. What cancer does to a person and their family is awful, every where you turn it consums you.
However, I am happy to report that my mom has no cancer in her body, the herceptin and chemotherapy worked wonderfully, she had a successful surgery where they removed 40 lymph nodes and is now entering her 3rd week of radiation, almost half way done. However, I still feel like my life has been taken away from me.
I am the only child, so the entire care taking of my mother resides on my shoulders. I feel all this pressure from my family to rush home right away, drop my life, and take care of my mother. When I left for Australia the plan was to stay here for two years, however, things change and cancer appears. Now, I am going back home for the holidays and don't really know when or if I will come back. This has been my dream since I was little to come and live here; however, my dream has been overshadowed my the cancer cloud, never fully living it to its reality. I have accepted going home, but I don't know if I can accept never coming back here. I have visions of taking care of my mom for the rest of my life and never creating a life of my own outside of the cancer caretaker. Is this me being selfish or is this normal? I don't want to ever ever resent my mom, or for that matter my family, but as the only child, their is this expectation that the children will take care of the parents. I am just one taking care of my mom w/ very little help from most of my family members. They all got to live their lives when they were my age but want me to put my life on hold indeffinitely to take care of my mom, is that really fair? My mom fears that the cancer will come back, and that is totally understandable, but yet me leaving for long periods of time, she fears she will die while I am gone. Will those feelings every go away, or will the rest of our lives be lived in fear and what ifs?
I feel a little lost in this whole cancer thing and at times alone as this is the first cancer episode for my family. Perhaps the best thing that has come out of this is that our family which is primarily made up of women are now more aware getting checked and breast cancer. This awareness is purhaps a god sent, but not at the expense of my mother's life.
Am I alone in these feelings, as right now I am swimming in a sea of uncertainty and anger at cancer.
I thank you for reading, take care of you

fancy2 · November 2006

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I am the only child, so the entire care taking of my mother resides on my shoulders.

Hmmm. Why is this so? You love your mother, and I'm sure she loves you. However, you have a right to your life too. Has she no friends? Other family? Husband? Is she mentally impaired in some way? I am sure that you are uncertain and angry. I am sure she is too. But IMHO, I don't think you are the person with sole responsibility for her. She IS, after all, an adult.

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I have visions of taking care of my mom for the rest of my life and never creating a life of my own outside of the cancer caretaker. Is this me being selfish or is this normal?

I don't think you are being selfish at not wanting to set your whole life aside forever. I also don't think you're being realistic, either. Perhaps you could talk to a counselor at your university and get some help with sorting out your conflicting emotions.

Best of luck. Hope your mom continues to be NED, and you are able to do the things you want to do.

Shemp · November 2006

You're never alone in the "sea of uncertainty," but just knowing your mom looks to be cancer free at this time is a huge improvement, and all you can really ask for. When all the rads are finished and her routine gets back to normal, a lot of other things will feel more normal too. It's tough as a caretaker to balance care-taking with keeping themselves sane and living their life too. There is no "right" way to do it, so try not to spend time second guessing yourself.

ravdeb · November 2006

Hope NED hangs around...

Shemp..that is an amazing avatar!

micha · December 2006

Thanks ladies for the supportive words. In response to your questions fancy2, my mom does have some wonderful friends and family who have taken care of her while I was living overseas, which I am so thankful for. One of my aunts has opened up her home to my mom during the entire ordeal, which has truly been a god sent in more ways then one. The blessing in disguise from all of this has made some of our family even closer.
However, now that I am home, all of the responsibility falls upon me, as it did with my last trip home. My family goes on about their merri way, and I stay at home 24/7 with my mom taking care of her. My parents are divorced, thus it is just my mom and I, as it has been my entire life. My mom is not mentally ill, it is just that she is too tired, weak or some times too depressed to do anything.
I do agree with you that she is after all an adult, although at times I feel she just puts so much pressure on me to take care of her. I try to do the best that I can, at times I feel as though it is helping, other times not so much, such as what to say. I try to stay positive, but then she keeps saying, it will come back, and that she has to prepare herself for that and that this is how she is going to die and I am in denial and not being realistic about this whole thing. That is what so frustrating, she is doing so well and can only see the negative outlook for the future...everything is I hope and not I will or I am. Thus, there is very little positive atmosphere in my home, as the tiredness and not so good outlook has settled in. It bugs me as she is doing so well and only has a few more rads left and then all is done. But even then, that doesn't bring a positive outlook
Cheers

Shemp · December 2006

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Thanks ladies

and gent

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It bugs me as she is doing so well and only has a few more rads left and then all is done. But even then, that doesn't bring a positive outlook

Maybe she's become a bit accustomed to the catering and the woe is me attitude. Perhaps a big cancer free and done with treatment party is in order! 1) It's a great reason to celebrate, 2) it's sure to put people in a positive mood 3) hopefully it re-enforces that she's on her way to being healthy again and it's a new chapter and 4) it's a good transition for you from caretaker to cheerleader. Get her involved in the party planning process, whether it's helping bake a cake, or picking out party supplies or whatever. Just a thought, but note I've been wrong once or twice in my life.

yourinspired · December 2006

Micha:

Wow, I read your post and knew immediately how you felt. I too am an only child taking care of my Mom. My parents divorced when I was 3 so for the rest of my life it has been just the two of us. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride!

Your situation is a bit different than mine in that you left home and I never did. I moved away during school but stayed in my home town and when I married my hubby and I relocated to another state and my Mom came with us. My hubby was raised with his Grandmother living with them so he was more than willing to bring my Mom along.

Still, my Mom has led her own life and I have mine. Until cancer came calling. All of her care falls on me. I don't mind really, but there are times when I feel just as you do that this is a damn ugly nightmare and won't someone wake me up. There are the times when I cannot be around her too much because I just want to yell "Why did you let this happen???" And then there are times when all I want to do is hold her and never let her go. Luckily, we read each other pretty good and can tell when to back off and when to get closer.

I don't come on the board too much anymore, Mom is getting her last chemo this Wednesday and then she starts radiation then herceptin so we are still a year out from any normality....

I would like to chat some more, it is amazing to find someone going through the same thing with almost the same situation...if you would like you can email me at rebecca@yourinspired.com .

If not, I understand and will keep you and your Mom in my prayers...Blessings!

lisalu38 · December 2006

After reading your post I realize that I have never posted here... I am worried.... my best friend was diagnosed about a hour ago. I feel like I am going to fall apart... any advice on pulling it together to pull her through this would be so greatly appreciated.

CARRIE82 · December 2006

I just wanted to tell you that Im sorry about your mom and her attitude about the situation.
My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 2years ago and throughout the whole thing (treatments, sickness, hair loss) she always kept a positive attitude. even when the drs told her this past January that the cancer had returned and that is was terminal and only had two years on average she said "well its a good thing I've never been average."
unfortunantly her good attitude didn't help her survive for she passed away four months later, but it did help us get through it. Right up to her last days she was joking and laughing as much as possible. Her motto was "live like you are dying" and i wish we could all live that way even in our darkest hours for although it may not help with quantity of life it does help with quality of life and that can help major when the end does come. I hope I am making sense. I miss my sister so much and I try so hard to maintain her posistive attitude. We even granted her final wish and after she died we threw a party instead of the usual. It is hard and I hope your mom will learn to value the time she has and live it to the fullest.

jz20022001 · January 2007

Carrie, I am sorry to hear about your sister. It sounds like she lived her life in a very positive way.

Catherine

risetolife-2006Dec16 · January 2007

I think that you need to talk to the other members of your family and try to get some help from them, especially the aunt who was so helpful before. I also think that you should try to get your mother some professional help for her obvious depession. She may not want to go, but perhaps you can go together and put it to her that you need it as much as she does.

A hell of an emotional roller coaster

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