Struggling with the P word

Noni
Noni Member Posts: 327
edited April 2016 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

I've been on weekly taxol since the beginning of December. I was forced to skip two infusions due to health reasons, but I did everything else on schedule. My first set of scans were great, major shrinkage of tumors. The nurses and doctors cheered for me. I was so relieved. It was a great day.

Since then I have been in and out of the hospital for various ailments. I've felt miserable with pain every day and my QOL is the pits.

My second set of scans 2 weeks ago showed slight progression. The current tumors remained the same, but more appeared. And the mets in my hip showed further damage. I am crushed. It's only been four months since diagnosis. How can chemo stop working so soon?

We stopped chemo and I am now on tamoxifen. I'm also scheduled to begin radiation on my hip next week.

I am tired of putting on a happy face and trying to be strong for everyone. I'm scared and there's nothing anyone can say to take away that fear. I saw my therapist for a while but don't feel that does anything for me. I am on a high dose of antidepressants already, and take a sedative when things get real bad.

I know there's a good chance that tamoxifen can turn things around, but there's also a chance it won't. The uncertainty is making me weak. I really hate this.

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  • ibcmets
    ibcmets Member Posts: 4,286
    edited April 2016

    Noni,

    I had the exact problems with taxol for 5 months. I had to switch to Xeloda which is a pill based chemo. Nice now to be at the doctors everyday and I'm doing better....waiting on my next scans in a couple months.

    Terri

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited April 2016

    I really hate that Taxol isn't working. I believe the key is finding the right treatment that works. Hormonals are strong. I pray this one is the one that turns things around for you. Wishing you only the best.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited April 2016

    Suburban, first, please find it in yourself to stop the charade of trying to be "up" for everyone. You must be true to you. You may need to have only those around you with whom you feel you can let your true feelings show, your vulnerable side. You do not have to be strong. It is okay to tell it like it is.

    I am sorry to learn of the progression. If your antidepressant is no longer working, ask if there is something else you can try. You have to be honest with your feelings even if it is despair and fear that you feel, you must get that across to your therapist and seekadditional help.

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited April 2016

    Suburban, I agree with Divine that you need to be able to express how scared and down you are feeling. It is exhausting trying to put on a happy, strong appearance when you are really terrified and feeling helpless and lonely. I have found myself pulling back from some people because of this. But lately I am trying to reconnect when I am feeling up to it, as I do not want to become a recluse due to this horrid illness. I agree that there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel less fear. However, I do have a wonderful woman therapist at my cancer center who is very compassionate and understands the fear and uncertainty we patients face. She has been immensely helpful in just listening and asking questions that prompt me to talk about things I hadn't touched upon before. Maybe you can seek out another therapist who may be a better fit? Or give the current one another try when things settle down a bit? Although the fear does not go away for me either, venting my anxieties to an impartial third party has been quite cathartic, and also gives my loved ones a break.

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