My son's new girl friend has BC

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gale1525
gale1525 Member Posts: 232
edited March 2016 in Young With Breast Cancer

My 31 year son new girl friend (also 31) has breast cancer she had chemo and Bi-lateral mastectomy. She just finished treatment 6 months ago. She doesn't know if she can have kids, my son wants kids. My fear is that she might not be around long enough for him and be able to have kids. I don't know all of the details but I would guess that if she had chemo her diagnosis must not have been great news I know that even though she had the bi-lateral that is a personal choice. He seems really in love (he has only known her one month) I am happy for him he is a one women kind of man, It has taken over a year for him to get over his last 7 year relationship. I am also proud that he is not letting the scars and implants bother him. If they were older and already had kids I don't think it would bother me.I guess the mother in me doesn't want him to get hurt again. When I was diagnosed I was 49 and already had kids I guess what I am asking is to hear from other young women.

Lynda


Comments

  • muska
    muska Member Posts: 1,195
    edited March 2016

    Hi Lynda, I am not a young woman anymore but I have two daughters of about the same age as your son. I am not sure I understand what you want to hear from young women who unfortunately have to deal with this dreadful disease at the prime of their lives. Do you want to hear that your son's girlfriend will be fine and will be able to have kids? Do you want to hear that she is not going to be fine and you should convince your son to dump her?

    You have been through it yourself and you know there are no guarantees. You say you don't want your son to get hurt. This young woman is someone's daughter and I am sure her mom has more reasons not wanting her to get hurt after what she had been through. As a mom I would say let it go and let your son figure it out on his own, don't interfere.

  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited March 2016

    I don't think that there is a young woman with breast cancer that will answer this stunning question. Your son is 31. He is an adult. He can decide for himself, as can his girlfriend, what this means to their relationship, if anything. It isn't any of your business.

    *susan*

  • Bounce
    Bounce Member Posts: 574
    edited March 2016

    Dear Gale1525

    Your signature doesn't say anything about your diagnosis or treatment - but I am guessing you have been through a lot!

    I can appreciate that it is hard for you to think of your son facing all the things you had to face.

    As a mother of both a son and a daughter I can understand your desire to protect your son and see how almost everyone on this site will feel protective of his girlfriend.

    I cannot imagine anyone here telling you he should dump her. I don't think anyone of us would want to be dumped by a boyfriend or a husband or a significant other due to illness.

    However - your son's decision will be his to make - and he will have to live with the consequences of his decision either way.

    There are no guarantees in life. If she is good for him overall perhaps the issue of children does not have to be a deal breaker. If I was you I would try to work out what my feelings are exactely and let him know that whatever he decides you will support his decision.

    You may have an opportunity here to do some emotional healing of your own as well as helping your son and his girlfriend.

    Sending best wishes for you all. Life is hard sometimes.




  • gale1525
    gale1525 Member Posts: 232
    edited March 2016

    Thanks for all your replies.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2016

    Several things here -

    1) It is very common for young women to do chemo, even at early stage, so just because she had chemo doesn't mean her diagnosis was particularly worrisome.

    2) She very well may be able to have kids. Many women who have chemo before the age of 35 retain their fertility and if it doesn't happen the old-fashioned way, there's always fertility treatments and adoption.

    3) They've only been together a month. You are getting a bit ahead of yourself. They may not end up together for reasons that have nothing to do with cancer.

    4) Falling in love always comes with risks but also with great rewards. As his mom, all you can do is help him celebrate the happy moments and be there to pick up the pieces if the worst should happen.

  • Lou10
    Lou10 Member Posts: 332
    edited March 2016

    Stunning question indeed. (Silly me, I was expecting the OP to be looking for ways to support the girlfriend or couple.)

  • Cowgirl13
    Cowgirl13 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited March 2016

    Let your son find his way and don't be a downer on his new relationship.

  • DSW1976
    DSW1976 Member Posts: 118
    edited March 2016

    I will put this as straight forward as I can that is selfish post. Read it out load to your self again and again until you understand just how offensive it is and heartless. Don't you get this is exactly the fear these young women have never being able to ever bring a life into this world if they survive. And you are a mother and a breast cancer survivor on top of that???? So your question is what??? Sorry I am a younger one and am lucky to have a son and shame on you for hurting those who have just been diagnosed or are going I to chemo or have finished and are struggling!!

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2016

    Also, you will get more productive answers from young women if you don't imply that young women with breast cancer are damaged goods. And that's exactly how your post comes across..

  • Skittlegirl
    Skittlegirl Member Posts: 428
    edited March 2016

    I think it's pretty typical to be aggressive with treatment in young women with BC. I had chemo, BMX, and am currently going through radiation. All so that I will be around to watch my children grow up. I had a complete pathological response to chemo. My team is very optimistic about my long term prognosis.

  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited March 2016

    Insensitive post. Made me wince.

  • Stephmoen
    Stephmoen Member Posts: 563
    edited March 2016

    wow is this post for real what a terrible thing to say about a young woman who is battling Cancer she deserves to be surrounded around people who support her not people who worry she isn't good enough

  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited March 2016

    Goodness, it is impossible to say whether ANY relationship is going to work after only one month! If, by chance, it is true love & they make it through this very difficult test (much more difficult for her than him, I will point out), then I would say that they have a real & deep connection. What mother wouldn't want that for her child? There are many reasons why people choose not to have children....or why they are unable to have children. And being in perfect health is no guarantee that you will be alive to see any children you do have grow up, and having health issues is no guarantee that you won't. Really, what one's children decide about becoming parents themselves is really none of our business.... under any circumstances. Being a survivor yourself, you can choose to be a great source of support and encouragement to them both.

  • littleblueflowers
    littleblueflowers Member Posts: 2,000
    edited March 2016

    Young survivor here. What exactly are you worried about? Lack of grand kids? Or your son's girlfriend dying on him. Not to be insensitive, but the way you came across makes me think that its much more likely she will leave him because of a controlling mother, rather than dying young.

  • ann273
    ann273 Member Posts: 209
    edited March 2016

    As someone who has been in her situation, I advise you to please stay away. I understand your concern for your son. My mother in law had the same idea and expressed doubts to my husband regarding my long term prognosis and while mine might be far worse than this young woman's, it is best not to make decisions during such trying times. My husband eventually decided that he could not deal with my illness. It was harder for me to get past the idea that he did'nt want to stay than to deal with Breast Cancer. We are all survivors of this disease and are fighting every day to lead a longer life. We need to be surrounded by people who make us believe everyday that life is worth fighting for.

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