I think my marriage is over

It can be possible because she doesn't necessarily follow the flow of command at work. There are a handful of people that feel they can walk into his office and speak to him directly instead of their immediate supervisors. It is a culture he created. After all, he fought very hard to get her transferred into his dept so everyone knows there is some sort of relationship between them, they may not know how close they are, but the others know they are friendly.

Yes, he has shown a complete lack of judgment when it comes to this woman in particular. I have beaten that issue to death with him and there is no more to say on it. I told him he was a fool, but what more can I do or say?

Mrs. M, yes this woman is an idiot. Unfortunately because of the nature of their work, many women hold off on promotions when they are in a stable environment when they have young children at home. One of his friends turned down promotions many times because she needed to stay working on midnights because of child care. I don't know this woman's home life other than she has a 6 month old at home, I don't know if a change in work hours or days would impact her family negatively.

I had to go out for a bit this morning, when I came home the house was straightened up and he is in a bad mood. I think he spoke to her while I was gone and he feels guilty. Who knows.

He is trying, I have to give him credit for that.

I don't want him talking to her in front of me. Anything he says is going to be taken the wrong way by me. He has to put her at arms distance, this calling thing is completely new! She was never bold enough to just call him with out knowing it was a good time. She always texted first asking if they could speak. This new just calling thing even had him for a loop. He didn't know what to do.

I love that she is showing her true colors!

he played the whole can you talk thing off as being respectful and not wanting to interfere with family time. So, if that is the case, I ask what happened to the respecting his family time thing? What changed that the family time doesn't deserve to be respected anymore? I think it's because he is not responding to her anymore. I don't know what happens during work hours, but I do know that there is no more after hours communication between them. He has made that point very clear.

I know she is just playing with him to get what she wants and he was stupid enough to play along. He was caught playing a dangerous game and he doesn't like getting caught. He thinks he is too smart.

He tries to be all loving with me like nothing happened but we both know something did. He betrayed my trust and he knows it will take time to get it back (if ever) even though he says he did nothing wrong.

She is just an ugly self centered person. I know it takes 2 to tango and he was an active participant, but she took advantage of a person grieving for his wife and trying to keep life going smoothly for his children. I can never forgive her.

yesterday I stopped in his office and what did I happen to walk in on? Her hanging out with him on her way out (coat on and signed out). It took all of my self control, but I was polite. This is his work place and a scene wouldn't help anyone. She stayed for a few minutes and left. I didn't say anything about her, just continued with why I stopped in and pretended everything was ok.

Last night in bed, I calmly went off on him. Not to fight just to explain. He wanted to know why I looked so sad, so I told him. No matter what at this point in time, I have to deal with a situation he created. Hshe has been inserted into his life and no matter how I feel, she is there so I need to learn how to deal with her. Until she is promoted and transferred which now I find out may not be till after the summer. So, I explained that it hurts me to know that he sees her every f'n day.

I explained that when I looked at her I saw her true soul full of selfishness and she is truly ugly. He didn't get it. I said to him, I'm going to go along with his this all meant nothing and was nothing crap you have Been selling and it was all harmless fun, at anytime did either of you stop to take my feelings into consideration, you know the woman who is fighting for her life? I went on more about her being a disgrace to women everywhere, how she should have stopped and said, ok this is getting out of control and I should stop with the don't forget about me texting. I said, you were there to help her, mentor her professionally, someone to guide her and look out for her as a father figure ( this is what he claim ) but when I was sick, did she ever stop and say what can I do to help you and your family in your time of need? No she continued looking out for herself.

So I asked him what he told her about why he has pulled away from her , she believes that she has been replaced by another woman at work, that this other woman is why he has put her at a distance. How funny is that? This other woman, happens to be very competent and has gotten to where shel is not by manipulating others but by working hard. This "other woman" who never call/texts him at home unless it is work related is the reason he has pulled away, lol. Not because of his wife, again not thinking about me at all! BTW, this other woman just started to work with him maybe a month before my DX, she didn't know me at all yet offered to come and clean my house , she and other female workers took up a collection and bought gift certificates to local take out restaurants. And et, his dear friend who loves and cares for me did what?

Last night he felt bad, apologized over and over again about hurting me like this. But this morning as he was getting ready for work he looked sad or mad and when I asked what's wrong, he replied I don't want to talk. That's his usual way of saying I'm mad at you and this isn't the time to get into it. So I guess he slept on it, rationalized his behavior and somehow managed to justify everything and make me the bad guy yet again. Either that or he sees that her being in his life will continue to hurt me and he is trapped and feels bad because there is nothing he can do to make this hurt go away.

I don't know, I will find out this evening which way it went in his head. I hate hurting him, but he needs to know that I am on the path of forgiveness and moving forward but there are bumps and I am trying my best to navigate through this unchartered territory. I still feel pain. At no time last night did I make any accusations or imply anything that was not a known fact by all. There is really nothing he should be angry about other than I haven't let go of the pain. And she is a constant reminder of it. He made his bed. I have to come to terms with that and stop feeling guilty for his pain/anger/frustration.

I am not putting my feelings aside anymore. That part of this journey is done. I am being very vocal and using body language to show him how his actions have effected me. My therapist was very proud of me for not just screaming and throwing a "tantrum" (for lack of a better word). Instead, I am calmly expressing my feelings without expecting him to act on any of it, just stating them matter of factly. It is his decision on how to react and I cannot expect any specific reaction from him. I cannot control him or her all I have control over is how I react. At this point in time, I choose to calmly tell him I am not happy. I am done fighting I am done being jealous of this narcissistic bitch.

My therapist understands he is in a difficult situation, she works for him. There is nothing that can be done about that. He has inserted her in our lives. He has to figure out a way to manage the outcome of this. Again, I know it was never physical, but I think the mental "affair" is just as bad and actually harder to move past because he still believes he was just a good friend.

I refuse to leave my home. The door is there, he can walk out on us. When/if he leaves, I can change the locks. And I can explain to the kids what is really going on. They only know bits and pieces of what they have overheard. They are my priority.

I had to drop something off to him this morning so I told him to meet me outside. He wanted me to come in, I declined. I don't have the energy for it. Did what I needed to and left. Said see you later and that was it. Nothing more nothing less. He wants to act matter of factly about all this, well 2 of us can play that game.

He cannot tell her anything because that would just prove that I am right and that boundaries have been crossed. He cannot admit that to himself or her.

Last night I asked him what the attitude in the morning was all about, he said he didn't want to talk about it. OK, can't force someone to talk. I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and eventually fell asleep on the couch. He came in the living room at some point, asked why I was sleeping on the couch, my response, just felt like it. If one can get away with out discussing behaviors then we both can. I hate playing games, but he needs to see how it feels. Yesterday evening we talked and joked around like nothing was wrong, but there was a coldness in him. I don't understand it.

So things have been up and down. We get along for the most part and we are talking...but last Friday I drank way too much and it was ugly. As he was professing his love for me, I started punching him in the chest asking him how can he claim to love me so much yet hurt me like this over and over again? Well, somehow in all of this, I ended up punching him in the face (or so he claims, I don't remember). He decided that we cannot reconcile after that outburst. So Saturday morning, he decided that he will clear out the kids playroom to make a temporary bedroom for himself, which lead to us having to tell the kids what is going on. Got to love the innocence of children. They looked at the both of us, they told daddy that he was silly and being mean to me by allowing this woman to get as close as she did to him. And they looked at me and said, I should know better and dad would never leave me for someone else, especially this woman who they think is much younger than she really is. They said he is old enough to be her father. We talked calmly the rest of the day, basically he admitted what an ass he has been and if I can't get over it, then there is no future for us. He doesn't want to leave but can't be reminded daily of his mistake. He admitted finally that he was insensitive and wished he could go back in time and never get to where he ended up with her. He sees where I came to my conclusions. But, I need to trust him. He would never intentionally hurt me. So, I agreed that I know he would never allow it to get serious or physical and I need to figure out how to get over this and move forward. He is really trying and I need to try to move on from this.

I ended up telling my elderly mom about all of this because she confronted me on it Saturday afternoon. She noticed I haven't been myself lately. She agrees he is an ass, but if I want to work things out with him, I need to let things go.

His mom knows what is going on and she said the same, if I want to work things out I have to stop reminding him about this. And if I can't find a way to trust him again, then I need to walk away from him. She wanted to talk to him about his actions, but I asked her not to because it would make matters worse if he knew we talked on this level. She wants to knock some sense into him as well.

All of this would be so much easier if he didn't see her every day at work. And i didn't have a daily reminder of her existence and his "betrayal". Friday's outburst was partially because he spent the whole day with her and others in meetings. It just kills me that even after all of this crap, he is continuing to help her in her career. He still wants to mentor her to help her get into a better position as she moves up the corporate ladder.

I have decided to stop asking about his day at work. The less I know the better. I cannot change the fact that she is there. He cannot move her along until she feels it is time to move on. By asking about his day or hearing about it, it feels like I am looking for reasons to hold on to this.