I'm with Fearless and Andraxo. . . Here's the thing: we ARE strong people. I mean, look at what we've been up against, you know? Andraxo, I say keep going to the class. Maybe I'm projecting my own fears and desires, but I think it sounds like a great challenge. That said, I totally empathize with you--my saddest moments in this whole ordeal have been when I have to accept, very honestly, my own (new) limitations.

I'm red and crispy, but only have four days of zaps left. I'm honestly not sure what I'm going to do to celebrate on Wednesday... Oh, wait. Yes I am. I'm celebrating by seeing my MO, getting my Herceptin infusion, and starting Tamoxifen. Lol; I really know how to party.

I'd post a pic, but I think most of us know what red, angry, itchy skin looks like.

Tried cabbage leaves last night. They work. They pulled the heat right on out, and the itchiness was gone until this morning. I'm a believer!

I'm told the skin stuff gets worse before it gets better. I'm hoping not to have any skin breakdown, though I have a patch on my side that feels scaly. Fingers crossed as I slather on more Miaderm.

Edited to add this: Mary! No! Not the dreaded virus... I'm so sorry. If you've got what I've got, I vote to take the horse pills. Hang in there

Kate - I told my techs about the KitchenAid analogy and they burst out laughing - never thought of it before. And then they said it will REALLY look like a mixer when I get to boosts, as they put this extender / cone thing on the "head" of the machine. I fondly great my KitchenAid every time I walk in the room. And I am into the boosts now, and can report that my techs were right!

Tessio - I finish this week too - 32 down,only one more to go!!

Peabrain - I am considering ovary removal, so yes, am interested to know how it goes for my own reasons, but also interested just to know how you are doing! (as I'm sure the whole board is!)

I'm glad that sharing my feelings had such a positive impact! I agree that part of it is the cumulative effect: chemo, surgery, and now this. It's a long rollercoaster of a road, and mine was shorter than many. But it's temporary! And you know what? I have never felt so loved as I have since I was diagnosed.

To all of you ladies who are currently undergoing RADS, hang in there! It does get better and the fatigue does end. I just went for my six week post rad checkup and I am doing great. I have been back to work full time for a month now and my energy level is very good. I am doing almost everything I did pre-bc diagnosis with no fatigue. The real interesting thing is that I am much happier now than before I was diagnosed. I seem to be able to let things roll over me easier where as before I would stew and hang on to things. I seem to smile everyday! I have three more months of Herceptin left, but I am tolerating that well with no side effects.

@moreland, that's not silly at all! I'm throwing a cancer "after party" to celebrate the end of treatment. I also had a hair funeral and shave my head when my hair started to fall out during chemo. I have no trouble throwing myself parties.

TWO MORE TREATMENTS

morelandks, I have to continue with Herceptin until summer, and I'll be starting hormonal drugs when they determine where my hormone levels are; they aren't sure if I'm in menopause or chemoause, so had the blood draw this week and should know next week....right now, just resting from finishing rads and praying for energy to return... hang in there!!

Warrior On!

Met with Rad Onc today after tx#4. Asked about the boosts now scheduled for the end, but he isn't sure about them yet...has to think about it more. Usually boosts go along a typical mastectomy scar which cuts across the chest or where the tumor was if someone had a lumpectomy (areas of higher risk for recurrence). I have atypical mastectomy scars because I had nipple sparing. They are like smiley face mouths below where my little breasts were (I call them my smileys)...like where people get implants put in. If he decides yes for boosts he'd have to target the approximate area of where my tumor was. Really hoping he decides no.

Also saw Med Onc on Tuesday. I see her again in 3 months (May 31st) and that is when she will start me on Tamoxifen (or other drug if I'm in menopause)....approx 6-7 weeks after radiation ends, depending on the boosts. Nice to get some recovery time before the hormonal treatment phase...especially that the hormonal phase is 5 freakin' years for the first drug and then likely another 5 years or longer of another drug.

Did anyone save their hair? I was planning to do some awful felting project with it! hahah! it is funny and gross at the same time.

Staying happy and positive as I can in realizing I am still doing everything I did pre-cancer dx. Maybe not as fast, as well, as long, or as often, but I'm doing it ...working, running/exercise, etc. Yes my brain is fuzzy and my muscles still aren't feeling or working quite right, but I'm holding my own and living life. Thankful my waves of sad over the whole situation (sucks!!) don't last too long in any given day. Aside from cancer, my life is great! Like Twnkltoz, I feel more loved now than ever...though people have dropped off a bit after chemo ended (maybe they think the hard part is done...even though it isn't...at least not mentally/emotionally, that's the hardest part!). Hoping radiation doesn't take too much out of me physically...too soon to tell - approx 30 more tx to go.

- xo

Hi Everyone Today was better. Techs were good. Hang in there everyone. I'm doing pretty good so far. 23/30. I'm wondering if chemo stresses the body and the skin. I had the lumpectomy and no chemo. I have been putting aquafor 3x per day and rubbing it in well. EVERYDAY regardless of where I am and what I am doing. I wear my shirt with the hole cut in it after dinner until the next morning. After treatment I put on aquafor and a soft sports bra. I have the red dot rash on my upper chest and little pink everywhere else. The rash is not as bad poisin ivy. I drink a TON of water or tea a day. Try to get in 30 oz before treatment and then drink at least 34 oz for the day. The nurse said my skin will continue to get worse for a week after treatment. emotionally I struggle with how much cancer has taken over my everyday life and thoughts. Which makes me think of all of you having to go through chemo. you are warriors!! I continue to visualize us holding hands before my treatment and while it is occurring I focus on the protons distroying the cancer DNA.

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Happy Friday dance!!!!! 25 down 9 to go!!

Congrats to those that finished up this week...to those just starting it will be over before you know it

7of9 I feel the same way you do about doing rads initially. I wished I did that rather than chemo first time around. Plus I was so shuffled from one thing to the next I would have blindly accepted whole breast radiation. My recurrence was in the skin and muscle so they are zapping the tumor bed. I thought wbr was over kill for a 5 mm tumor. Of course as I get to the end I'm nervous about another recurrence and if cells are still in the muscle but I know I can't go there decision made need to move forward.

The thing I love about us is that we are strong and it's hard to admit and accept the limitations or life changes of having bc but I feel like when you get to that point you really move forward. I have 2 friends with bc one is going thru chemo now and the other did rads a year ago. Both hugely in denial of the seriousness of their dx. It's so frustrating to see. The one thinks chemo is a weekly party and literally brings 5-6 people with her and goes to lunch afterwards and twice has had infection from eating salad from restaurant that her onc has told her numerous times to avoid . I dont jnow how she's gonna get through rads. She 100% doesnt take tge advice if her mo on how to get through tx. The other one is 68 was on Premarin for 30+ years and I swear she's not taking her Femara and I'm pretty sure she's still taking the Premarin. She's insane...I ratted her out to her mo (we have same Dr and she's like family ) so he ran through stats with her the other day and started crying that he was really mean to her. I was like he's trying to keep you cancer free but your vanity is preventing you from taking the drugs you need to take. It's maddening.

Anyhow I'm forever grateful for everyone I've met her and all the support and advice I've gotten.

OK my skin is purple and I'm exhausted . .laying down.

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Hugs to all

Diane

Andraxo, I couldn't have said it better myself!!! I find that the mental side for me is the hardest as well... Since finishing rads, I know that I have to "rest up" a bit to get energy back, as the zaps zapped my energy big time. However, I also know that I need to move and keep moving to keep strong and healthy. As I look to my next Herceptin and starting hormone therapy I try to think, "OK, new normal" What will it look? Who will I be? I love the way you put this...

... because the details of the day and the rest of life simply get in the way...

I, too, wish there was a switch to flip and turn of the "cancer thoughts"

@andra, awesome post!

morelandks, are you done? Woo who!

Andra, well said!

Twinktoz, how is your underarm area. Mine is raw and painful. My therapist tech looked at it yesterday and said, "Wow, we did this to you!"

I woke up happy this morning, like a child on their birthday. I even danced in the shower. I can't remember the last time I did that. At 3:30 I will have my last treatment. My eyes feel bright in a way they haven't felt in a while. RADs has been a roller coaster..... Crying like a baby for the first week on the table, to sedating myself, to pushing through. I have kept the image of us holding hands in a circle every zap. I know there is more to come.....but I'm so grateful to have warriored on, so grateful to have more time with precious family and friends, so grateful for ya'll.

I signed up for Race for the cure next month in Indy. If anyone is in the area, let me know. XXXX

Hello! I'm back!

Just three days after finishing rads and my skin looks MUCH better. The two open spots are closed again and the red has faded to pink or tan. Maybe being hydrated during my surgery really helped? Still lotioning like a fiend.

So, no more ovaries. The surgery went fine, robotic laparoscopic oopherectomy (did I get that right?). I was scheduled on my surgeon's last day before parental leave, but she went into labor that morning. One of her partners covered her schedule and his, so I was there a while, got to know all the nurses. Everyone was very funny, kept me updated on my doctor's childbirth.

For some reason I thought the surgery would be pretty minor being outpatient and all. In comparison to BMX it is minor, but it is no joke. For starters, I was surprised to have three new inch long scars to add to my collection and they are above my belly button line. I thought ovaries were sort of low slung, kind of bikini line level. And they seem to have violated my belly button by using it as a fourth access point. Rude. And I am much more sore than I anticipated, still on painkillers, although I think today might be the transition day to Advil (yes, they actually recommended it over Tylenol. Guess no one cares if my blood is thinned now.)

Strangely, I haven't had a hot flash since before the surgery. Maybe the painkillers squash them?

For the upcoming two weeks, no driving, no lifting anything that I need two hands to lift, no yoga, running or swimming, or much of anything. Basically they don't want anything to pull on the surgery area and surrounding muscles. I keep thinking of all these tasks I could take care of, but no.

Normally they let you go back to work after two weeks. But because of the string of other medical adventures I've had this year (BMX, chemo & rads) they want me to take time to recover from everything and take a minimum of four and preferably six weeks before I go back to work. I am not complaining about this. And I am really looking forward to an Airstream outing.

Part time back to work, mid April. My typical work week is 50-60 hours with a lot of time on construction sites, climbing roof ladders, etc, so it'll take some ramping up.

And then there's the brain. I oversee 30+ active projects at a time, lots of multitasking. I am going to have to find a new way to keep notes because these days, I can set down my keys, turn around and lose them. This is the part that worries me the most. How long will it take to get my brain back? Or mostly back? Does anyone know if the damage is noticeably permanent?

Just have to agree with you all that I have never felt so loved. It has been humbling how many people have reached out, both old barely in touch friends and work colleagues who have become new friends during all this. I hope to find a way to stay connected with everyone once the excitement winds down.

Anyway, enough from me. Big hugs to everyone in the mixing zone!

@Ag - I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I've heard you can have them fill very slowly, only 25cc at a time. Can you have them take some back out to relieve the pressure