When and What do we tell our daughter???

robhsdca · February 2016

Just diagnosed last week and no official plan for surgery and treatment from the oncologist yet, but wanted to inquire about how to handle this with our 4 year old daughter if any of you have had any experience. We have agreed to wait and tell her after we know what we will be facing, but not sure how much to tell her or what? Also, we have talked about the possibility of getting into a family counselor to help with this too. Anyone have any experience there as well?

molliefish · February 2016

I have a 10 and 13 year old. I waited a long time and my daughter found out accidentally when something I was googling came up in her next search. This is not likely to happen to you I would think. I found that they take their cues from me, if I'm logical and forthright with them, then they are less inclined to get emotional. I think some of the other ladies and gents will probably say the same for their kids. If you have the ability to wait until you know as much as possible then you will be able to answer any questions she may have. But I also think you will find that she will say 'ok Mommy' and go back to playing. Sorry I know that isn't much help likely.

Skittlegirl · February 2016

There's a book available from Amazon called Mom and the Polka Dot Boo Boo, I think. I got it for my middle child (5 when I was diagnosed). It's a simple, rhyming book about mom having breast cancer and going through treatment.

I have tried to be as honest as I can and explain things in terms that the kids can understand.

We haven't done family counseling. The kids seem to be handling things as best as they can. My cancer center offered a kids' support group and dropped the minimum age so my middle kid could go to. It helped explain cancer in a way they could understand, they talked about feelings, met other kids with a family member with cancer, and got to see the radiation and infusion center in the cancer center so they had a better idea of where I was and what was happening when I go to the cancer center. I have also signed them up for our local Camp Kesem this summer. It's a week-long camp for kids with a parent diagnosed with cancer. The camp is free and I thought it might be helpful for them to be around other kids that have also had a parent go through cancer treatment.

Outfield · February 2016

We used books to explain it to my 3 year old. There is a whole genre of picture books about moms with breast cancer. They're all a little different, and the only one I really didn't like was called something like "Tabitha Tickles." We told her I was sick, gave it the name "cancer," and gave her very basic information about what to expect along the way and who would be helping to take care of her. The books really helped her voice a lot of her concerns. With me, there was very little time between diagnosis and surgery (I was in the era before neoadjuvant chemotherapy became an acceptable alternative), so we just kind of told her as we went along, but always in calm supportive settings.

I am so sorry you have to go through this with a little one.

Kicks · February 2016

I can't tell you what exactly or when you tell her BUT you need to be honest and 'upfront' with her - AGE APPROPRIATE! Not wait til she hears 'gloom and doom' that unfortunately so many adults like to do (and pass on to their kids and your child). Let her get the truth (age appropriate) from YOU - not ignorant gossip mongers whose goal is to 'hurt'.

LisaAlissa · February 2016

Yep, upfront and age appropriate. Your cancer center/hospital may well have a child life specialist and/or a patient library with materials for parents who need to talk to their children. Both could be useful if coming up with strategies suitable for your children.

If they don't, check with your local American Cancer Society.

Best wishes!

LisaAlissa

Tresjoli2 · February 2016

my daughter was just shy of three when I was diagnosed. We told her that I had broken cells, and that I needed to take the broken cells out, and then take medicine to keep more cells from breaking. I made a joke about the medicine making me sick. "It's so crazy pumpkin, mommys hair is going to fall out so I can get better!" She puts band aids on my port and picked out my headscarves each morning, which gave her a job and made her feel like she was helping. We then gavel er somethinga on lo loo foward to. We are going to Disney when my port comes out

flipflop · February 2016

I have a 3 and 6 year old and I told them the day before my first treatment (my first treatment was chemo) I explained mommy had to go to the doctor for medicine that would make me tired so I would be resting a lot. That they needed to help daddy by being good and putting their listening ears on. I waited until then so my older child wouldn't have too long to worry. It took me about three days post chemo to feel the effects so they had a four day "warning" about what was happening.

They faired very well during my chemo. They knew that every few weeks I got medicine that made me sleepy and adjusted to that schedule. Kids are so tough surgery was harder to explain. But I was fairly honest. I said that the doctor had to cut out a bad boo boo in mommy's chest and I would be in bed for a few days and they had to be gentle and careful with me. And they were. Radiation didn't really affect me except the three year old went to grandmas every morning for six weeks which she loved. She knew it was me going to see the doctor. The older one was in school so he wasn't affected.

They know all the appointments are the doctor making mommy better so they didn't ever seem scared or anything. The hair falling out was shocking but even that they adjusted to quickly. You'll be amazed at how much they can adjust and how smart they really are and your daughter will be ok.

NoWhyToIt · February 2016

I would wait till you know more. Then post back.

robhsdca · March 2016

Thanks to all who have replied here. We finally got a more complete diagnosis yesterday with our oncologist beyond just the "you have breast cancer" one we got initially. Found out we are IDC, Stage IIB, and likely doing a lumpectomy with lymph nodes removed too, followed by radiation, maybe chemo. Having a more clear picture has helped in planning what to tell our daughter. For now the plan is to let her know Mommy is sick and getting some treatment and what that might entail and how she will need to be gentle with Mommy. But other than that, we are just going to do all we can to maintain what seems like normal for her. I have ordered a copy of "Mom and the Polka Dot Boo Boo" though and intend to share the pieces of the book I want with her, selectively not reading some sections maybe.

MesaMom76 · March 2016

I have four kids to tell. They are 6, 12, 13 and 16. I got my positive biopsy results 2/8 and had to wait for MRI and results. Today I found out stage11 grade 3 ductal carcinoma that is triple negative. Largest mas is 4.1 cm the MRI found two other very small spots of dcis. I need a mastectomy and I am opting to have a double so I never have to do this again.

I think that all the suggestions here are great!

JCS28 · March 2016

Just found this thread. I was diagnosed back in August 2015 at age 39 and my kids were 4 and 6 at the time. I struggled with the same thing. Initially we just said, "Mommy is sick and will take some medicine that will make me feel bad, but I will get better!" My treatment before surgery ended up being very easy (herceptin and perjeta), but my kids were still very aware that I had to go to the doctor a lot.

Then when I had my surgery in December we told them I would be in the hospital for a day and a night and then would be very tired and that their grandmother would be staying with us for a while to help me and them. They took it well. We really tried to keep everything as normal as possible. I have to share that my daughter (age 4) was VERY curious about my scars and all things medical. I decided it was better to show her in a casual way and not make big deal of it. I think it's scarier for something to be hidden. So I showed her my scars and my drains. She calls them "pipes"! Honestly, it adds some much needed humor to the situation. And she just thought my scars were "dirty" b/c of the scabs.

Now I'm going through real chemo, but it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. They know that I am at the doctor all day once every 3 weeks. And they know I am more tired for several days after. They know I go to the doctor a lot. But I am hopeful that it doesn't affect them in the long run. Only time will tell... The biggest thing they seem to notice is that I cannot pick them up.

Also, I chose to do Penguin Cold Caps to save my hair. That makes it easier on me and allows me to keep it private and still feel like "Mommy".

Hang in there, mamas!

When and What do we tell our daughter???

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