Lonesome, afraid, sad and just down right frustrated

Options
Lovelee34
Lovelee34 Member Posts: 3
edited February 2016 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi, I am new to these boards. I had reconstructive surgery just 5 days ago. I have kept a pretty good positive attitude, but these "new" boobies have me so upset. I have been seeing a breast specialist for over 5 years due to lumps. Then I did the gene testing and it came back with a mutation. Since I also have breast cancer and other cancers in my family, we opted for a bi lateral double mastectomy. I had been monitoring 2 lumps but then noticed another. When I went for a mam and an ultrasound we found 11 more lumps. I felt biopsies was not an option at this point.

In the end the mastectomy was not as hard for me. I feel I got used to the fact of not having anything in place after the mastectomy. I had expanders but had some issues so they were never inflated. I then replaced the expanders with memory gel implants. I opted to go smaller due to other health issues. I looked at them for the first time the second day alone.

I of course have been trying to keep in mind this isn't the end result. I feel so sad. I can't feel them per say. I am unhappy with how round they are, how they are not really me, how far apart they are. I know this seems so superficial and stupid. But I feel ugly because of them. I'm partly like how about I just have my stupid, old skin flaps back. At least that was all me, right? I'm not sure why I am so upset or if this is normal. I cry and I feel like it doesn't make it better. I've explained it to my husband and he says I'm healing and sad and it's okay. But I just don't feel okay. It's this roller coaster of emotions. Fine one minute, upset the next.

I guess I am just looking to hear that i'm not out of the ordinary. That these adjustments are normal and I'm not crazy. Sorry for my rant.


Lynette

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • EstelaLorca
    EstelaLorca Member Posts: 98
    edited February 2016

    Hi Lynette,

    What you are feeling is totally normal. I remember when I was healing from reconstructive surgery, and I was taking my usual bird bath, some of the bandages were loosening and I was so scared because I wasn't ready to see it yet. Even at my follow up, when they had to remove the bandages I was so nervous. Anyways, my new breast was very swollen, and it hadn't obviously settled yet and that takes time. And like my new breast, I had to adjust and take time too. For me there was a grieving period, I would imagine for everyone there has to be. So, be kind to yourself. It will take time to adjust, you're not crazy and everyone here gets it. It's exactly like an emotional roller coaster.

    best of luck, xoxo

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited February 2016

    Hi Lynette, and welcome to Breastcancer.org. We're sorry that you're having such a rough time... but we're really glad you've found us!

    For many women, it takes time to adapt to the new size and shape of the breasts. If it helps, to take a look at this interesting article from the main site: Satisfaction With Breast Reconstruction Results where you'll find some specific factors that seem to play a role in a woman's satisfaction with her breast reconstruction results.

    Hugs,

    The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited February 2016

    Lynette, your quote " I guess I am just looking to hear that i'm not out of the ordinary. That these adjustments are normal and I'm not crazy. Sorry for my rant." You are not out of the ordinary and these adjustments are normal and you are not crazy :) Don't apologize for the rant. This is the place to feel safe ranting. I'll link to a thread that it's purpose is for ranting. Hang in there it's a rollercoaster ride, but it does get better. Many places here on BCO to hang your hat and call home. Wander around lurk awhile, if a thread looks like a place that you would feel at home, drop in and say hello.

    here's a link to a great ranting place.

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/833446?page=24#idx_711

    A place to laugh

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/818346?page=636#idx_19053

    A place to help get you organized

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topics/748296?page=11#idx_304

    PM me if you have any questions. :) sassy

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lovelee34
    Lovelee34 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2016

    EstelaLorca Thank you so much for responding. I was really having a hard time. I of course went to my post op. I shared my concerns and fears and my doctor was very supportive. She said it was totally normal. I was so relieved to hear that. Thank you for responding with supportive words. I am still swollen, but I am adjusting to them. They were put in the space not behind the muscle, I found out so the recovery should be easier? Maybe.


    Lynette

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lovelee34
    Lovelee34 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2016

    Thank you, I will be checking out these groups and posts. It has been so helpful!


    Lynette

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories