"There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have that."

StaceySue2U · February 2016

My grandmother, who is in her '80s, is being quite mean about the breast cancer. She does not have dementia, so we can't use that as an excuse. My dad visits her in the assisted living and she keeps telling him that I don't really have breast cancer and there's nothing wrong with me. She returned a very special gift I gave her over 20 years ago, but returned it to my sister - as if she forgot who'd given it to her. She's done the same thing to my aunt, who has stage IV. She says "you don't have that. There's nothing wrong with you."

I went to a Masons dinner with my dad and stepmother, because my dad wanted me to meet some breast cancer survivors there. We were talking about Grandma's reaction and one of the survivors there said that her mother reacted the same way. She refused to acknowledge it and behaved as if it was something to be ashamed of. Up until the day the mother died, the mother never did acknowledge the lady's breast cancer and never provided any emotional support whatsoever.

My grandmother has suggested that any symptoms my aunt is having are her fault, because she was pregnant when she got married 47 years ago and that means she deserves to be sick. Now that I've been diagnosed, Grandma has been bringing my ex husband up to people and talking about what a great guy she thinks he is, implying that I was wrong for leaving him. I imagine the point she is trying to make is that I deserve this because I divorced him. He was terribly abusive and she never acknowledges that.

Dad keeps saying I should visit Grandma but I have no intention to visit a person who's treating me badly. Is this a generational thing? Has anybody else experienced this?

Bounce · February 2016

Dear StaceySue2U

Some people are stupid. Some people are ignorant. Some people are damaged beyond our understanding. And some people are plain mean. I don't know what is wrong with your grandma but stay away from her as much as you can.

You don't need negativity of any kind in your life right now. Try to be around family or friends that make you feel better - not question yourself. You KNOW you did not bring cancer on yourself and you are not being punished.

Old people sometimes think they have earned the right to say whatever they want to no matter how hurtful. My mother-in-law would often ask me: So did they cut it off? WTF!

Spookiesmom · February 2016

Yes, my mom. It's their generation, and just weird thoughts. My mom wasn't mean, just ...........weird. Her back hurt, so we went to her PCP. She says, I know why it hurts. Oh, why? Because I fell down the creek bank when I was little. I have to give him credit for not laughing in her face. She was about 80 then.

My DH would tell me just to humor her when she'd pop off like that. And that was HARD. Visit grandma once more, see if you can agree with her. If not, no more. If you look around on BCO, there are lots if threads about finding out who your true friends and good relatives are. And how some are toxic, and need to be out if your life.

Hugs😍😍.

Spookiesmom · February 2016

Ask grandma when did she get her MD?

marijen · February 2016

Who lets someone get away with that for 47 years. Your dad should put a stop to it.

LisaAlissa · February 2016

Hi StaceySue!

So sorry your grandmother is treating you this way. I suspect you've wondered (with sadness, anger & disappointment?) why she would say such things.

Has she always been this way? Or has she changed to become this woman who has given you and your aunt so much grief? If it represents a change in her behavior, it might be a health issue, even if it isn't dementia.

Given that she's in assisted living, she probably has some health issues. Has she had a full gerontology evaluation? The kind that takes at least all day and involves multidisciplinary professionals?

If this is not the woman she was in her young and mid-life, you might want to suggest such an evaluation, if "they" don't know what's caused it. There are lots of medical issues that can result in behavior changes--including some that are rare/bizarre, and some not, like small strokes. Not a medical professional, so I can't be exhaustive here.

But whatever, you need to just do what you need to do to get through your treatment. I'd suggest strongly not discussing it with her (if you decide to visit her). Make a mental list of things to talk about, and have something you need to get to that will limit your time with her.

Even consider if you want to tell her "she was right." Then, ever-after, if she brings it up, say something like "why would we want to talk about that," "I don't want to talk about that (then bring up one of the topics from your list)." If she persists, leave. Right then. you will, essentially be training her not to bring it up, if you are perfectly consistent in your response. Come up with your own words, but she should learn that the first is a warning to change the subject...and that if she persists, you will leave.

If/when you lose hair during chemo or show other physical symptoms, you can still ignore them...and treat them as another topic you won't discuss.

Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from someone who you should be able to look to for support.

My very best to you. And HTH,

LisaAlissa

StaceySue2U · February 2016

I guess she's probably always been this way, which explains why my dad is so passive and puts up with abuse and expects others to put up with it too. I remember when my sister was 18 and the school told her it was time for her to get her first pap smear. Grandma said pap smears were for "sluts," and accused my sister of sleeping around. I was raised to be nice to everybody no matter how mean they are to me, and that led to a lot of pain in my life. I absolutely will not engage in relationships with abusive people who kick others when they're down.

Getting cancer does very quickly illuminate who our true loved ones are and which relationships are only illusions.

LisaAlissa · February 2016

One more thing, StaceySue. If you decide to go with the "I don't have it" approach for your grandmother, warn your family & friends. Discuss it with the caregivers at the assisted living facility.

Essentially you would be accommodating her illness (whatever it is). Helping her to avoid what's beginning to look like obsessive behavior that's making her unhappy.

Best wishes!

LisaAlissa

StaceySue2U · February 2016

It does make me wonder what happened in her life to make her that way but I've had some really terrible things happen in my life and I have sworn not to ever treat others the way I've been treated. Grandma has had plenty of time to learn how to treat others with kindness and decency. She has seven children, who all treat her very well. If this refusal to acknowledge cancer is some sort of generational thing and I'm misunderstanding the reasons behind her behavior, then I'm willing to see her again.

The "I don't have it" approach is a good suggestion, and if she had treated others kindly in the past and there was any chance at all of having a loving and productive relationship with her, I would definitely consider it. If this was new behavior for her, I would try to work it out for her. I think it's just opening my eyes to the sort of person she is. She's really never been "there" for me but I always thought it was because there was something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, besides cancer. She has a bigger problem than I do.

StaceySue2U · February 2016

Thank you, Jo-5 and God bless you!

Hopeful82014 · February 2016

Stacey, you've received lots of good advice which I'm sure you'll put together to find your own best way of dealing with this. One more suggestion - since visiting her is not good for you (and probably doesn't do her much good, either) perhaps you could send a pretty card with a very brief note on a regular basis. (You don't have to say anything of substance, either.)

Sometimes people in that situation respond better to something they can show OTHER people (such as staff, other visitors & residents) although they'll never thank you in person, of course.

That way you can get your dad off your back a bit, maybe make her happier AND know in your heart that you are the bigger soul - without exposing yourself to the pain of an actual visit.

I'm in no way suggesting that you should do this - just adding to your collection of tools for processing this very difficult situation when you already have so much to deal with.

All my best, to you and your family.

StaceySue2U · February 2016

I like that idea, Hopeful. Why didn't I think of that?

"There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have that."

Comments

Categories